So they say.

So I am trying to just write it out here. Whether I cry or smile or whatnot. Just for today, I would like to just keep writing what I think and feel. This won't be the last, but I am hopeful that this will help. Today, I found out that I got an A rating for my performance last year. I felt really proud for myself and for a moment I forgot I was lonely. And then I was about to pick up my phone and call. I realized, I don't have anyone anymore to share those with. I lost my bestfriend. So yeah. Felt really sad again. But I can't do anything about it. I finished two reports this week, very breezy. Not that I did not encounter any problems or issues. One I had to return to the field group team for validations, the other is still for review. I also made a questionnaire and a research design, and to be honest I should feel relieved and should feel good about myself. But not having to turn to or talk to, your person, it really makes a difference. A lot of good things or okay...

This is the 7th day I am stuck at home, and it has been both stressful and chill at the same time. That;s a bit weird. But here's the thing, while I am getting enough rest, it might be too much, and I am worried about a lot of things, especially yung wala na akong sweldo next payday and too much work piling. HAHA. Anyway, what happened that led me to 7 days stuck at home? I got hit by a car, well, my right foot did. And somehow, thanking God that it was only my right foot forward. If not for that, I may be in so much more trouble than it is at the moment.  It was Wednesday, July 5, around 9AM, I just timed in for work, and I was supposed to cross the street to get food from Ate Glo, when a car suddenly hit my foot. I remember trying to cross and didn't actually see a car. But to be fair, I did not hear a hard horn beep from the car, the driver just went straight hitting my foot. Then everything just suddenly stopped for me. I was in complete shock because it was supposed...

I am just so unhappy and sad.

I'm here again. I want to put out my thoughts and feelings, but seems that nothing does come out of me anymore. Since I left Kai's area yesterday, I barely spoke a word, or even talked to anyone. I have a massive headache I've been trying to nurse for a week, but no luck in it going away. I took the day off to rest, but all I ended up is crying over this series which is so close to my heart. I really wish I could make someone understand of what people with mental illness are going through, but, unfortunately I can't, because I don't fully understand it myself either. All anyone could ever do is try. And I guess that is what I have been looking for all this time. For someone to care enough or to stay enough despite waves and flashfloods and landslides coming. I wish someone does not give up on me or what I could offer. I wish someone did not decide to leave just because she couldn't handle things. Despite me being unable to extend my gratitude well, I absolutel...

This Is Me Finally Closing The Chapter Of Us I read this a few days ago and it clearly spoke to me. This sums up how my current relationship/friendship is with someone. I know I am not ready to let go. But I am trying to make all the excuses to myself so that I could either hold on or let go already. But who knows? Maybe the right time has come. That no matter how much you care about the person, maybe now is not the right time. Or maybe now isn't what its supposed to be. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow, but somewhere along the way I feel it would happen. Sucks, I know. I am still in the midst of thinking about it, but let's see. Hope you enjoy reading the article as much as I did. A little sad, but I realized sometimes our realities can be sad. We just have to choose how to live with it, or die with it. Click on the link above.

I just thought of making one post for you, pouring it out here and after this, will start to move on already. Meeting you was a surprise, and getting to know you even was much more unexpected. It has been 2 years since I lost Val, and I was still trying to move on from our break up. Weeks before meeting you, Val and I talked, and even if we decided that it was for the best. I think I wouldn't lose her completely because she knew she was still existing in my dreams. But then, I met you and everything changed. Gradually. I still miss her, from time to time, but having you with me and hugging me when I have a bad day, I know it was the right choice of standing by you all these months. It was never easy, opening up to you, getting to know you, meeting you in secret and then going out in dating you. I had to make a lot of choices, I made mistakes, but in the end, I chose to be with you because you made me happy. Despite all the circumstances we keep on going through, I can still say t...

Everything just went downhill. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday. I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt. I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place. All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me. I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daugh...

Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about. April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 ye...

I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things ...

I have been talking to someone for months how I have been wanting to do something that will test me to my limit, and this Monday, I found an opportunity to do so. As one of my good friends/mentors mentioned, it can work both ways for me. It can help me regain something, or, it can make me go downward spiral and go back possibly somewhere behind I am now, or worse. As I type this, my mind is really going nuts. I have a huge headache, my heartbeat is faster every time that thought comes, and my heart may not be ready for what Monday is about to bring me. I call the heavens and the stars, and I pray to God that Monday will take me somewhere good. I will try not to think about it too much, but I am worried this weekend might bring me more nightmares than usual. Dear God, I don't ask for much. But today, I really pray that Monday will be okay. I do not want to end up somewhere I have never experienced, or something I did and would never want to go back ever.

One of the things I hate besides betrayal/lying is feeling being used by someone, for reasons very obvious. This is why whenever I get into any kind of relationship, I assess and ask what is it that I really want or the other person wants from the relationship. And I make it sure and clear. I am very bad at trusting people, but once I do trust, anything lesser than that is disappointing and betrayal, still. This time, it makes me feel worse. Not that I was just betrayed, but I was even used. And when I say used, yes, physically used. And fuck that shit. Seriously, I don't think I can ever forget that. Up until I type this, there is a bit of hope that it isn't the case, but time and time again, I see it is just that. So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hang...

Okay, so everyone knows that I DO NOT CELEBRATE Valentine's. Not that I hate it or whatsoever, but I just feel like I don't need Valentine's to show how much I care for the person. I can do that any way (not that I am expressive or whatsoever, just sayin'). Anyway, this year, I decided to do something different and celebrate Valentine's day, in a different way. Someone asked me out for Valentine's, I said no flatly. I was starting to get convinced, but still, I couldn't bend my rules for the person so yeah, ended up a no. Then there's this sorta conniving plan my friend made and I am an accomplice, so that's that. But the real deal? I spent that day with people that maybe I needed to spend time with. A week before that day, I already told my half brother I did not have a date, not I wished to have one, and told him I wanted him to take me out instead. Yes, pinilit ko talaga siya ng solid. And I like that he didn't refuse and tried to make tim...

I am sitting at a place that gives me quite a bit of inspiration. I found this place through friends and the buzz, and tonight, I have been working for an hour here already. Staying here just for one night lights up my mood today, given the circumstances I am in at the moment. So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way. Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well, ...

Unfortunately, this maybe hormones, my irritability with everything and feeling very uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like I should really put this out here. For months, I wonder what could have been, might have been. I wonder whether my choices with regards to you, us, has been right. But now.. all I can say is fuck you.  I know that we started out wrong on so many levels, and you woke my inner sense, telling me that I was going downward spiral. You were the one who told me to try to put down my walls even a bit, to try to trust, to believe in you when you said all those things to me. You were getting close, while I wasn't. You were really really close. I think you went in, eventually. I do not know when, how or why, but eventually you did. I mourned for you, cried for you. I did tell a couple of people that I think I actually fell in love with you at some point. I knew you were never completely in, but you went in at some point. I don't know why, but hearing what I...

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin...

My face above the water My feet can't touch the ground Touch the ground, and it feels like I can see the sands on the horizon everytime (everytime) You are not around I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away) Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream I wish I could make it easy Easy to love me Love me But still I reach, to find a way I'm stuck here in between I'm looking for the right words to say (to say) I'm slowly drifting, drifting away Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream Okay, this is nothing about any dramatic love story. It's just that the song is now my current LSS and is the story of my life at the moment in general. I am currently drifting away, losing touch of reality, and ...

I hate the feelings you keep on leaving me. PS I need to put something here to remind me of who am I talking about here. Yes, you. posted from Bloggeroid

This is the first time I am talking about you anywhere in a very long time. I have been thinking about this post since this morning, but ended up writing 3 or 4 sentences in my journal and nothing about you. Think of this post as long overdue, and something maybe timely, or something that maybe can be just called a brain fart. How have you been ever since 1996? That was the last time I saw you up close, with a little kid too. I remember that little kid was probably between 1-3 years old of age back then, and found out he was another sibling I had. I'm sure my sister had never remembered that incident, because she barely remembers you too. The last time I actually saw you, was 2007. I was with Tita Sylvia, she was visiting Manila, and we met her  because she and I have a special bonding since we used to write letters and send cards to each other back then. She was the only relative on your side of the family I really had connection with. We we're on our way out, when we saw ...

Will I look for you and tell you, "You mean a lot to me, so please stay with me."? These are the two things I usually ask myself nowadays. People come and go. And sometimes, I am very uncertain, or all the time I am very uncertain of what I feel towards someone. May it be a friend, family, or someone that can be potentially special to me. I have a hard time figuring out and realizing if this person is someone I want to keep in my life or not. So it always ends up, me leaving, or the other person leaving because of my doing.  Will I still be able to have those two questions answered by a yes?  That may be answered in time.. maybe not. 

I realized over the past few days that I get glimpses and flashbacks and nightmares of my exes every now and then. That is why I thought of actually making this post. Maybe by posting this. I can somehow release a lot of things I never actually said or did. Or maybe I did but forgot I did.  This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.  To my grade school crush/bestfriend , you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us...