So they say.

Would you mind if I still loved you? Would you mind if things don't last? Would you mind if I hold onto You so that I won't crash? Morning light, I'm at your door One last time, and no one's there (Nobody, nobody, nobody, no...) Drove all night, just to beat you home Would you mind if I waited? Would you mind if I wait right here? And I really, really, wanna love you And I'm really only yours Even if it don't last forever, I wanna let you know We really had something special, it's hard tryna let it go I'm just being honest, I'm still in the moment Would you mind if I still loved you? Would you mind if things don't last? Would you mind if I hold onto You so that I won't crash? Up all night, can't let go Won't stop trying, need you to know It's worth the fight, if I get back come Hope you don't mind I waited Would you mind if I wait right here? And I really, really, wanna love you And I'm r...

I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.  Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.  I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the...

So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).  So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.  Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy h...

After 10 days (including the day I met my shrink), I finally decided to send her a note. A very long one. It included details of my normal rants, and my stories and my thoughts which are actually saved in my phone now. It also includes things I haven't told anyone, and I think she has to know.  Everything is slowing my mind down, but at the same time, riling up too. See the contradiction right there? Yeah. I know. A living contradiction.  This is currently my main issue. But a lot of other concerns has been piling up.  People say I am over reacting on everything, but I guess it's just hard to explain what you are going through when you can't understand it yourself.  2:56PM Broke down an hour ago, and still figuring out why. Now I know what's making my mind slow down, but I am riling up too. Same reason why I have been trying to make a journal of my life. Because I am in denial of what is happening to me. It hasn't sank in completely that I am sick and that...

I realized over the past few days that I get glimpses and flashbacks and nightmares of my exes every now and then. That is why I thought of actually making this post. Maybe by posting this. I can somehow release a lot of things I never actually said or did. Or maybe I did but forgot I did.  This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.  To my grade school crush/bestfriend , you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us...

I have so many things running in my head ever since I went to see a shrink a few days ago. I feel I am so close to going crazy and about to lose myself. There are moments I feel like crying, like now. And maybe a little later on I will laugh my heart out. Earlier today, I was actually laughing with my boss because of something quite work related/non-work related. I need a breather. I need a place where I can talk and no one will judge, no one can bite my thoughts. Because currently, I really feel I need a caring hug. I need a sanctuary. I need a moment of silence and I need someone to just make me feel secured and safe.  I finally went to counselling a few weeks ago and it was okay. I didn't feel like this, going twisted and crazy, after the session, though I was referred to a shrink. Yes, you read that right. A psychiatrist in some layman's terms. I was very hesitant, but I feel I could not control myself anymore, so I am trying as much as possible to psych myself that I nee...