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Showing posts from August, 2014

It's been a while, dear self.

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes. Today started out okay. Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore. Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things.

Come home.

Well, hello there world. Nice to be here again.  I catch myself crying in tears since probably 10 minutes ago.  I don't know why. But I feel so much pain again. I wish therapy wasn't cancelled today, and that I can actually talk to someone. My heart is being pierced, my mind is spinning. I think about a lot of things that has happened to me and where I am. I am lost, I do not know where I am, how am I and how am I going to pick myself up from the mess that I am in.  I want to just say everything. I want to be mad with the world. I want to scream and shout and tell the world how painful it is to live my life for the past couple of years. I want to come home and sleep soundly, I want to be able to be myself and not watch my back all the time. I want to be able to feel something, anything. Not just to be mediocre, or numb or nonchalant.