So they say.

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin...

I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.  Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.  I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the...

I can't hold it in anymore. I can't keep it together. I want to runaway. I want an escape. I want to get away from everything surrounding me. I need to breathe. I'm suffocated. I'm lost. I want to wander somewhere unknown, be with people I am familiar with. Familiarity is something I need right now, along with a getaway. I had a quite long weekend, unexpectedly, and things started to change. Or I thought it would. I thought it would be for the better, but here I am typing like a cynic and is about to lose myself from the delusions of my life and the pains of every event that had happened. I really want to let go everything already, bit by bit and slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I feel that as much as I want to let go everything already, it's hard. Loneliness and pain have been my friends ever since I can remember. Let me tell you first about my weekend since I actually thought it was my break through already. So Last Thursday, let's start with...

This is the first time I am talking about you anywhere in a very long time. I have been thinking about this post since this morning, but ended up writing 3 or 4 sentences in my journal and nothing about you. Think of this post as long overdue, and something maybe timely, or something that maybe can be just called a brain fart. How have you been ever since 1996? That was the last time I saw you up close, with a little kid too. I remember that little kid was probably between 1-3 years old of age back then, and found out he was another sibling I had. I'm sure my sister had never remembered that incident, because she barely remembers you too. The last time I actually saw you, was 2007. I was with Tita Sylvia, she was visiting Manila, and we met her  because she and I have a special bonding since we used to write letters and send cards to each other back then. She was the only relative on your side of the family I really had connection with. We we're on our way out, when we saw ...