Skip to main content


Showing posts from February, 2015

The past two months that led up to this.

One of the things I hate besides betrayal/lying is feeling being used by someone, for reasons very obvious. This is why whenever I get into any kind of relationship, I assess and ask what is it that I really want or the other person wants from the relationship. And I make it sure and clear. I am very bad at trusting people, but once I do trust, anything lesser than that is disappointing and betrayal, still. This time, it makes me feel worse. Not that I was just betrayed, but I was even used. And when I say used, yes, physically used. And fuck that shit. Seriously, I don't think I can ever forget that. Up until I type this, there is a bit of hope that it isn't the case, but time and time again, I see it is just that. So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hang

Lost in translation.

Looking outside the hospital windows and corridors, I see the people, streets with and without anything, the view, the sky, the houses, and I stare at them blankly. I look into the horizon and I see nothing. I try to arrange thoughts, but all that happens would be tears building up in my eyes. I am not sure what is in the back of my head, but I am sure they are not happy thoughts. I find myself lost in my own world again, standing alone, and feeling shaded by everything around me. Sky outside is gloomy, and maybe as gloomy as how I feel at the moment. I tell myself everything is gonna be okay. And I believe it. I am just not sure if I will be okay. Emotions have been very erratic, thoughts have gone up and down, and I am not sure if this is the break that I need. I don’t think this is the break that I need. Everything is so chaotic, and all my thoughts are locked up somewhere in my head. I keep figuring out how to let them out, I even thought of calling people, but when I do, I fe

Happy Valentine's Day!

Okay, so everyone knows that I DO NOT CELEBRATE Valentine's. Not that I hate it or whatsoever, but I just feel like I don't need Valentine's to show how much I care for the person. I can do that any way (not that I am expressive or whatsoever, just sayin'). Anyway, this year, I decided to do something different and celebrate Valentine's day, in a different way. Someone asked me out for Valentine's, I said no flatly. I was starting to get convinced, but still, I couldn't bend my rules for the person so yeah, ended up a no. Then there's this sorta conniving plan my friend made and I am an accomplice, so that's that. But the real deal? I spent that day with people that maybe I needed to spend time with. A week before that day, I already told my half brother I did not have a date, not I wished to have one, and told him I wanted him to take me out instead. Yes, pinilit ko talaga siya ng solid. And I like that he didn't refuse and tried to make tim

The cool breeze, the waves, and very little company, or lack thereof.

I am sitting at a place that gives me quite a bit of inspiration. I found this place through friends and the buzz, and tonight, I have been working for an hour here already. Staying here just for one night lights up my mood today, given the circumstances I am in at the moment. So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way. Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well,