So they say.

I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things ...

So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).  So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.  Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy h...

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes. Today started out okay. Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore. Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things. ...

I have so many things running in my head ever since I went to see a shrink a few days ago. I feel I am so close to going crazy and about to lose myself. There are moments I feel like crying, like now. And maybe a little later on I will laugh my heart out. Earlier today, I was actually laughing with my boss because of something quite work related/non-work related. I need a breather. I need a place where I can talk and no one will judge, no one can bite my thoughts. Because currently, I really feel I need a caring hug. I need a sanctuary. I need a moment of silence and I need someone to just make me feel secured and safe.  I finally went to counselling a few weeks ago and it was okay. I didn't feel like this, going twisted and crazy, after the session, though I was referred to a shrink. Yes, you read that right. A psychiatrist in some layman's terms. I was very hesitant, but I feel I could not control myself anymore, so I am trying as much as possible to psych myself that I nee...