So they say.

Find me here at Your feet again Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender Come sweep me up in your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever

Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about. April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 ye...

I am not sure if someone still reads this blog of mine, but it's kind of odd posting about this thing I wanted to write about, looking at my last post. (ha!) But, as odd as it sounds, I might as well shed a light to myself by writing what I wanted to write.  If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.  I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day,...

Okay, so everyone knows that I DO NOT CELEBRATE Valentine's. Not that I hate it or whatsoever, but I just feel like I don't need Valentine's to show how much I care for the person. I can do that any way (not that I am expressive or whatsoever, just sayin'). Anyway, this year, I decided to do something different and celebrate Valentine's day, in a different way. Someone asked me out for Valentine's, I said no flatly. I was starting to get convinced, but still, I couldn't bend my rules for the person so yeah, ended up a no. Then there's this sorta conniving plan my friend made and I am an accomplice, so that's that. But the real deal? I spent that day with people that maybe I needed to spend time with. A week before that day, I already told my half brother I did not have a date, not I wished to have one, and told him I wanted him to take me out instead. Yes, pinilit ko talaga siya ng solid. And I like that he didn't refuse and tried to make tim...

Unfortunately, this maybe hormones, my irritability with everything and feeling very uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like I should really put this out here. For months, I wonder what could have been, might have been. I wonder whether my choices with regards to you, us, has been right. But now.. all I can say is fuck you.  I know that we started out wrong on so many levels, and you woke my inner sense, telling me that I was going downward spiral. You were the one who told me to try to put down my walls even a bit, to try to trust, to believe in you when you said all those things to me. You were getting close, while I wasn't. You were really really close. I think you went in, eventually. I do not know when, how or why, but eventually you did. I mourned for you, cried for you. I did tell a couple of people that I think I actually fell in love with you at some point. I knew you were never completely in, but you went in at some point. I don't know why, but hearing what I...

One summer, there is a girl who joined a widely known organization. She was 13 then, and was just dragged by her cousin and mom to attend this event. The girl was known to be quite outspoken, but has been sheltered by her family. She has been used to her own little world and doesn’t know what outside entails. After joining this org, she met a lot of people, good and bad. Just barely a month or two after joining, she finds herself in love situations. She thought she fell in love with a boy whom she was good friends with, but turns out, the boy was just all talk. She thought her heart was broken. She felt her heart was broken. She thought she was in love. It turns out, she was misled. It wasn’t really love. Then, someone came. He was one year older than her, someone who was friends with her since she joined. They were both new to the organization. They were in a group together with other newbies and some veterans in the organization. While she was trying to nurse her “broken” he...

I have so many things running in my head ever since I went to see a shrink a few days ago. I feel I am so close to going crazy and about to lose myself. There are moments I feel like crying, like now. And maybe a little later on I will laugh my heart out. Earlier today, I was actually laughing with my boss because of something quite work related/non-work related. I need a breather. I need a place where I can talk and no one will judge, no one can bite my thoughts. Because currently, I really feel I need a caring hug. I need a sanctuary. I need a moment of silence and I need someone to just make me feel secured and safe.  I finally went to counselling a few weeks ago and it was okay. I didn't feel like this, going twisted and crazy, after the session, though I was referred to a shrink. Yes, you read that right. A psychiatrist in some layman's terms. I was very hesitant, but I feel I could not control myself anymore, so I am trying as much as possible to psych myself that I nee...

니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 평소완 다른 말투, 심장이 시큰해 난 니가 낯설었고 비가 내릴 듯 하늘은 시커메 반복된 실망과 다툼 속 서로는 지쳤고, 넌 아마도 오늘 여기서 내게 꼭 이별을 말할 것 같아 순간 가슴에 불지른 듯 나도 모르게 소리쳤지 밀치고 부딪히고 널 보며 진저리 쳤지 너 왜 그렇게 슬픈 눈을 하고서 날 쳐다보고만 있어 항상 그랬지. 난 모질고 넌 지겹게 착해 빠졌어 니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 혼자 아닌 둘이라 넌 더 외롭다 했어 슬픈 표정으로 넌 물었지 내 말 이해 할 수 있어? 난 귀찮고 바쁘단 핑계로 널 짐처럼 취급했지 믿음은 플라스틱처럼 부러져 니 의심 지긋지긋했지 그리고 너희 집 앞 바래다준 마지막에 어김없이 폭탄 터졌지 참 더럽게도 징하게 서로를 밀쳤고 욕을 뱉고 우린 미쳤고 now we can’t go back 누군가 그랬지 계절은 이별을 데리고 오네 계속 그렇게 거친 말을 해 다신 안볼 듯 상처를 내봐 어차피 끝낼 맘이면 좀 더 제대로 나쁜 척해봐 너 짜증나게 굴지마 누굴 만나든 잘 살테니까 뒤 늦게 다시 날 찾을 때 난 절대로 거기 없으니까 그냥 꺼지라 했지 울먹이는 니 모습 지겨워서 바보같이 아파하는 그 꼴 봐주기 힘겨워서 미안해 할 것 없어 주저하지 말고 말해 어서 이별의 순간 난 여전히 못났고 넌 끝까지 착해빠졌어 헤어지잔 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 싫어졌다는 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 잡아달란 말이야 안아달란 말이야 ...

Tatakbo at gagalaw Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw Kulang na lang, atakihin Ang pag-hinga'y nabibitin Ang dahilang alam mo na Kahit ano pang sabihin nila Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam Ngunit ako ngayo'y naguguluhan Makikinig ba ako Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo? O iindak na lamang Sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko na lamang na Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw Habang nanonood siya...  Paalis at pabalik May baong yakap at suklian ng halik Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto Ngunit pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Ako...

Had a very short conversation with Pau earlier.  I don't really share much about what's going on in my life at the moment, not even to a single soul. But today, I suddenly told her how I felt about the current status of my lovelife.  "Hindi ko alam. Malapit na ata ako maging single." This was my exact words.  It was nice that she mentioned about work and about effort. Because I feel I totally lost it. She told me how both parties should put in effort, and I told her how I felt that we are already two completely different people. This was the first time I fought the urge to cry. And I successfully did. I felt a bit better. Because I felt that in case my partner decides to leave, I know that I will understand. How I wish I have one more chance to at least spend a day with her, just being together in the flesh. Because maybe, just maybe, it is the only thing that could save the relationship. But I am doubtful that it will still happen. Last week, I was e...

Like I said before, when you gather a thousand pieces of cranes, your love will come true.. You found 5 today and I gave you one last time.. but that was gone because it got wet.. Including that one, 994 cranes, I'll make them for you. I think I'll hide them in harder places next time.. I'll be good for 994 days. - Kim Hyung Joong ♥ His smiles and the things that can make me smile.. I think those are the most important.. and the hardest things.. If you have those two..Why would people break up or fight? - Hwang Bo ♥ Both lines were mentioned in this Korean show I am watching, which features Kim Hyun Joong and Hwang Bo as a married couple. These 2 lines made my day. It just says a lot about life, and love. :) Episode 21 :) Quoted from this blog : "i've been watching this show, "we got marrie d", la te ly. it features make believe wedded couples in their everyday adventures with life. with every show, y o u can't help but have favorites. this is qu...