Stars

Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about.

April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 years, my number actually doubled or tripled already in a span of 1 year. I’m not putting it into words because I am proud, but because after a month of contemplating and everything else, I choose to write it all down, finally. For months, everything has been a roller coaster ride, and I am not sure if I am stopping or not, if I am enjoying the thrill or not. I just felt I couldn’t stop, or I don’t want to stop, because when I do, it feels like I am settling for something less, or settling. Period. I felt in control of my life the past year, fuck it to everyone who has ever judged or said something behind my back with the choices I had made in my life for that year. Being in control was something I couldn’t have back then. Maybe because I was always scared. Scared of my mom, scared of losing friends, scared of arguments with someone I’m dating, scared to be judged. But last year, I decided to let my inhibitions go and not care about anything or anyone. I decided to do what guys can – sleeping around. Casual sex, no commitments, no expectations. I never said it was right. I never claimed that it was right, or it was the best thing for me. I did it, because I had to feel control, not being powerless. That full year, I was calling the shots. Who to see, not to see. I decide who to sleep with, and how it would go about. I had the opportunity to be drunk a lot, smoke, do shitty stuff, hanging out, being crazy, smoke, and everything else I never did imagine I would do in a heartbeat. I just felt in control over everything. I could do anything or everything. Little by little, I didn’t realized I lost my core, I lost myself in the process. I became the worst version of myself. My recent ex girlfriend even avoided me because she hates what I’ve become. It became that bad. I was neglecting my closest friends’ request on being careful. I ended up being worried over pregnancy scare – twice. Mind you. It was that bad, it was the worst year. I felt alive and felt in control, but I became the worst version of myself. I thought I was loving myself by being in control. But I realized I ended up hurting myself more, and probably people around me who genuinely cared for me and love me. A lot has happened over the past year. But  April 9, it was different. Something I never expected. I once again got scared for my life and became powerless, not in control and just blank. It reminded me that night it happened, that night that I have been trying to forget and move on from.

Also, I realized that this past year, I fell in love. Not rock solid, but I knew he had my heart, I gave it away to him without realizing, and I’m now learning to live my life without him. These days I miss him, the silence our friendship/relationship brought. He was the most inconsistent person, which he openly admitted, but one thing was for sure when I was hanging out with him, that behind the silence, behind the inconsistency, he was there. Breathing. Existing when I need him to and when he knows I need him to. We don’t talk very often, and we don’t talk much. ;) But. He was there, he came at a time I needed someone. He made me wanted to think of a future, being with someone. He made me think of how I can break my walls so someone can come in and sweep me off my feet. But I was the one who gave it all up. Because I wasn’t ready, because I knew that my life won’t be so much to him because he will walk away once he realizes what a mess I was. Once he sees everything behind the mask, I knew he won’t like it. I am scared of what the future for us will bring, so I walked away. For months, he tried. I saw how he did. I was just too coward to see it point blank. But that last time I saw him, I felt it. I felt that he cared; I felt that somehow he wished things were different. But once again, I decided to let him go and told him to do the right thing. He did follow, he did listen. That moment, I knew I loved him. I was willing to do the right thing for him, for us. I didn’t want us to be the wrong people, the wrong relationship. Everything started out wrong, and I would not know how to make things right with him. Instead, I chose to be the bigger person and walk away. I miss him, every day. I wish he messages me even once. I look at his profile every now and then to check how he is, and he has been with my prayers all the time. I also pray, that one day, I stop missing him and my heart stops beating for him. That he becomes a memory, a past that is worth remembering because despite all the wrong things between us, there were right ones that made everything okay.

After April 9, I decided to clean up my act. The night before that, I smoked, drank, and hung out with the people I like and just enjoyed myself. The day after was laidback, but the night became horrible. Me and my stupid decisions. Anyway, after April 9, everything changed. I look at my calendar now and for the past month, I only drank once. I know I was really drunk, but wasn’t drunk enough to make mistakes. I slept it off, and ended up losing a friend. But at least I knew it. At least, I saw it with my own eyes. It wasn’t worth keeping. I lost trust, and it might not be easy to let it go. All I have been doing were dinners outside, and work. I also became very sick the past month, probably because of the weather, stress and allergies I didn’t realize it was bad until I got sick, until now. Stress at work was taking over, and found myself smoking so much, and then allergies, and then I had asthma. Now I am having withdrawals with smoking. I noticed physical effects on me. I haven’t had coffee as well since April 29, since I had really bad stomachaches during field work. Now, I am still nursing slight fever, a cold and a cough. I’m under full medication. The best drinking that I have at the moment is a glass or two of wine a day, but not every day. No smoking since I got sick, it has been a week since. I don’t feel as bad as I used to, and I feel like this is the place I want to be, where I should be at the moment. Right now, I want this to stick. I want me to stick. I want to give myself more space to breathe, more time to think things over, more opportunity to fix and keep my shit together and just have time for myself and the things I want to do, need to do, and hopefully I can be the person I want to be or God has planned me to be.

Let’s go back to yesterday. Because yesterday triggered me to write this all down. As I said, my mom triggered my annoyance and my anger with everything. I don’t want to go into details, but I did feel belittled by her again. And then, one of my closest friends wanted me to do something for her when I just mentioned I wasn’t in the mood for anything and I was sick and couldn’t even go to work. But it felt like she didn’t read that well enough for it to send a message I won’t do anything for anyone, not even work because I really want a break from everything. And I did yesterday. I cooked, swept the floor a bit, except for my room, washed a couple of clothes, ate well. Drank my meds. I also got very pissed with another friend, for reasons I don’t want to get into details here. Even though I write everything here, details here makes my life too public, and I still would like to keep some privacy as I have been doing since 2008. Anyway, I really felt that my private life was being invaded by that friend and that friend is also pushing it too far, by wanting me to open up as much as I do with people who have been with me for years, even before I shifted to this new version of myself. I don’t say better, I just say new. I’m not sure if this is the better version. After being very pissed with all of them, everything just felt very irritating, including being sick. I slept the whole afternoon, and did my chores at night. Everything became too much, my anger and annoyance that I wanted to talk to someone, not with anyone involved. I didn’t want to be confrontational, but with friend number 2 in the story, I quite did. I’m still tempted to tell him how I feel, but I choose to be in silence interim. Then, Friend number 3, the one I would like to call, seen zoned me and thought of calling someone.. my half-brother. I called him, hoping he would pick up. He did surprisingly, and I just ended up crying. Completely broke down and was crying and no talking for at least 15 mins or so. Then, I started talking. Telling how my day was, why I wanted to cry badly. How people made me feel worthless that day, how I’ve been feeling pretty worthless to everyone. Told him that I wish I can be gone, in any way or form, because I would like to see if someone would notice when I am gone, if someone would care. I was crying and told him all the pains I have been feeling, why I don’t open up, why I keep a very private and low key life, why I have all these walls around me. I told him those instances I felt powerless, and while we were talking, I was just crying. He wasn’t saying anything. He was just there listening. I even asked him if he fell asleep, because he wasn’t saying anything and there was complete silence. And he just said that he doesn’t have anything to say, because he feels the only thing he can do and should do is to listen. He felt I needed just an ear. Then I cried much more. I realized almost everything that I had written above and told him that, I told him that everything hurts nowadays. I told him about what happened that 9^th of April, I told him everything. Not everything, everything. But for the most part, those were the things I would never just open up. Not even to Friend Number 2.

I know that I keep my stories filtered to everyone, even to my closest friends. I feel that there are some things I keep to myself, and this is something I don’t want to change about myself for now. I like to anonymity, the mystery, the unknown be kept unknown. I don’t want people meddling too much, or telling me that I am the bad person, or I am worse than ever. I know all of those already. I just want people to be with me in silence as they make their presence felt, and that at the end of the day, when all else fails and everyone left, I want those people to stick with me, hug me and remind me I will never feel alone anymore. I will never be alone, I will never feel unwanted or unworthy or worthless. I will always mean a tad bit to someone, may it be friends or family or a special someone. I am starting to love myself a bit more, by actually listening to the doctor now and taking care of myself, figuring out when to slow down, take a break or push myself harder than ever.

I kept crying, and then I noticed that there were so many stars, so decided to do star gazing at the other garage, got two chairs and sort of laid down there while looking at the stars, talking and still crying everything out. I talked so much I didn’t realize I shared a part of me he never saw, because he felt and saw how distant I have been. Then he just said a couple of things. I couldn’t remember his exact words, but I would like to try writing it here.

“Speech is silver but silence is gold.”

He said something about not pleasing everyone, and I won’t be able to please everyone. He shared a story, or maybe made it all up, I’m not sure. But when he said it, that story of the couple and the donkey, it sounded so comforting.

He also said a story about a clown, depressed and looking for happiness, and did everything, until the shrink told him to meet someone that he is sure that will make him happy – his self.

One of the most striking things he said.. but let me remind you he barely said much those 2+ hours we talked over the phone.. that maybe, I could not see how I mean to people. Maybe I look at it differently, perceptions and the like. Different point of views. But he says he is sure that I am worth something to someone, to people, I just could not see it. He could not give the reasons why I couldn’t see.. but he wants me to keep an open mind about this. That I may not see it, but I mean something. I am not worthless to everyone.

The night felt better. The stars made it much better too. Stargazing while I was with him over the phone felt comforting. His silence felt comforting. I missed the guy I fell in love with, and one of my two best friends. Both of them give the silence that is so comforting I wish I can have most of the time. Presence is there, but silence is there as well. Sometimes, you don’t need words. Sometimes the silence tells so much, sometimes all I need is the silence. And the presence. I know what I have been doing with my life, I know what is right and wrong. I don’t like choosing because I like keeping all possible options open, and all possible solutions to the problems. I don’t need people to nag me on what to do sometimes, I want someone to be with me when all else fails and I am at my lowest. Last night, I was reminded that it can happen. That there would be someone, silently looking out and will catch me when I fall. That will be there when all else fails, silent or not.

After our talk he sent me his usual text message every after long talk or hang out we had. I cried because he realized that I was human after all, that behind the distance, the anonymity, the mystery, are stories masked, that I get hurt and angry, and that I am someone who has feelings. It was very comforting but triggered the crying again. Last night, was epic. Not in the cray cray party mode kinda thing, but epic because I finally did open up to one person I should be opening up to, because after all, he is family. And like what he told me. I should remind myself that I will never lose him, because I am family. That I will always have him whatever happens. Last night, I unintentionally put my guard down, broken down, and completely became myself. It was one thing to open up, but last night, it was like everything was hit with one stone. I was myself. No masks, no guards, no anything. Just me and myself, broken down into pieces. Hurt, torn, broken, and trying to keep myself together. Trying to fix my life after a year of wasting it all away, after a year of endless rants, or endless make beliefs. It felt really great. Being able to show someone a side of me I won’t ever want people to see.

I choose to write here today, so that I will be reminded of the day I decided to change things, the day I decided to try to be better and fix everything, bit by bit. Take my life seriously, starting fresh, starting new, leaving everything behind. Like what Friend Number 2 said to me that day I also got annoyed with him because I realized he doesn’t trust and believe me..

“Let’s start new. Leave the old cycle behind.”

I think this was his exact words. At that moment, I was still annoyed because he told me that I need to do it, change, before he actually believes it. I was hurt because he didn’t believe me, trust me. But after that he said that line I quoted above, somehow it felt comforting. He may not know this, but even before we talked, I knew he would say that he doesn’t believe me. Because I feel it every single day since I don’t know when. That is also I guess the reason why I couldn’t trust him fully too. But I know in my heart I wanted to change, not for others but for myself. I wanted things to be okay, bearable, to just be me and myself and everything else in between. I want my life to be okay. I want to free myself from what everyone has seen, and show the few people I keep that version of myself that is more real.. It may be broken and torn, but more real than ever. I would like to be human again, try to have emotions even though my guards would always be up. I would also like to see if I can let it down, bit by bit, one step at a time.

I am scared, I am anxious, because I don’t know if opening up was the right thing to do. But, today, I would like to be reminded that there will at least be one person who would think I am not worthless. That I worth something to someone. Even just this moment, in time. Last night, the stars aligned for me. For me to become the person I am. To be that person somehow I used to be. To be there. Present. To leave my worries behind and be my self.