So they say.

I realized that I have not written anything here in forever, and it has been three years since my last note.  I couldn't believe that time flew by fast and that I have drank a cumulative amount of a whole bottle of wine today starting from lunch. I used to dislike wine, but here I am. I have officially drank 4 bottles of wine since May 23, 2020, a bottle of which I think I consumed that same night. Right now, I only have one and a half bottles left of wine, which means I either conserve wine or get myself two more bottles. Go figure what my choice would be.  So how am I? I think I'm better than where I was three years ago, but in some aspects, probably far worse. I have experienced so much the last three years, an emotional and verbal abusive relationship with the last relationship I posted here, started a good relationship with wine also, slowed down in terms of drinking habits, moved jobs, hated my dad more, missed him sometimes as well, lost both grandparents in my dad's...

I'm here again. I want to put out my thoughts and feelings, but seems that nothing does come out of me anymore. Since I left Kai's area yesterday, I barely spoke a word, or even talked to anyone. I have a massive headache I've been trying to nurse for a week, but no luck in it going away. I took the day off to rest, but all I ended up is crying over this series which is so close to my heart. I really wish I could make someone understand of what people with mental illness are going through, but, unfortunately I can't, because I don't fully understand it myself either. All anyone could ever do is try. And I guess that is what I have been looking for all this time. For someone to care enough or to stay enough despite waves and flashfloods and landslides coming. I wish someone does not give up on me or what I could offer. I wish someone did not decide to leave just because she couldn't handle things. Despite me being unable to extend my gratitude well, I absolutel...

To my bestfriend, my partner, my confidant, my love, Today marks the last day of us being together. I have to say good bye to you because I believe this will be the best for the both of us. I am leaving without regrets, but just tears in my eyes and sadness. It breaks my heart that I am not just losing a loved one, but a best friend too. The past year and three months, you made me feel less alone. You made me feel I always have someone to call my own, and I have someone who had my back, even if you weren’t so sure how to take care of me and be there for me in my difficult days. The past month has been the happiest and most content I felt since five months ago, but I cant stay because we both know I wish there was something more. I don’t know if it was just me or I was expecting too much, but I felt that the time I gave you was more than enough to rethink our current situation. I have to admit, Im used to no labels. But I guess sometimes, age tends to tell you that certainty in...

I just thought of making one post for you, pouring it out here and after this, will start to move on already. Meeting you was a surprise, and getting to know you even was much more unexpected. It has been 2 years since I lost Val, and I was still trying to move on from our break up. Weeks before meeting you, Val and I talked, and even if we decided that it was for the best. I think I wouldn't lose her completely because she knew she was still existing in my dreams. But then, I met you and everything changed. Gradually. I still miss her, from time to time, but having you with me and hugging me when I have a bad day, I know it was the right choice of standing by you all these months. It was never easy, opening up to you, getting to know you, meeting you in secret and then going out in dating you. I had to make a lot of choices, I made mistakes, but in the end, I chose to be with you because you made me happy. Despite all the circumstances we keep on going through, I can still say t...

❤

I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things ...

I am sitting at a place that gives me quite a bit of inspiration. I found this place through friends and the buzz, and tonight, I have been working for an hour here already. Staying here just for one night lights up my mood today, given the circumstances I am in at the moment. So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way. Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well, ...

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin...

I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.  Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.  I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the...

Homily today was something I never expected to hear today. Gospel talks about loving your neighbor the way you love yourself. But that’s the thing, I don’t even know if I love myself enough. I have been blaming myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, and feeling that I deserved all of it. I thought, after all these years of protecting myself, of walking away from a lot of things, from not getting myself get hurt, I thought I was loving myself more. I realized today that it was how I loved myself, but it wasn’t enough. I have lived all these years in fear. Fear that all those bad things happening again. Getting hurt by the one you love, feeling my heart breaking every time, feeling the pain by every hit someone I care about says to me, or getting shattered by every blow a threat or a punch or anything physical was shown to me by the people I love and care for. I play the victim, because by definition, I am. But I also realized that going to therapy, I am trying ...

I hate the feelings you keep on leaving me. PS I need to put something here to remind me of who am I talking about here. Yes, you. posted from Bloggeroid

So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).  So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.  Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy h...

A few weeks ago, my bestfriend Kara and I were talking about the past and I mentioned that I think this guy I dated was "the one that got away". She said she doesn't think it was that guy. I wasn't sure. But tonight, I know now who was/is my "one that got away".  Back in 2005. I had a guy bestfriend. He was one of the nicest and kindest guys I have ever met. I don't have bad things to say about him because he has always been caring and kind and lastly, a gentleman. A year after, I started dating him. It was short. Roughly 2 months. It was chaotic that time, and I was impatient. I wasn't understanding, and I couldn't understand why things had to be that way. Will spare you the details since I might have forgotten some of it, or that person might encounter this post.  Three years after, we suddenly saw each other and started hanging out again. After a couple of hang outs, he wanted something more. I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell him my ...

Dear Habit, hate the fact that you always force me to break you. Too many times this year. I just wish we can have this sense of connection and consistency with each other, that I don't have to just drop you whenever you feel and whenever you want me to. I don't want to be led on anymore though. I just wish you and I can have signs when we have to distance away from each other, or when we have to break away. I wonder now what came about the sudden break again. I wonder how come when I was prepared to embrace you and accept you in my life, you suddenly left, and suddenly lost touch with me. The last time I had to break up with you, I knew it was solid. I didn't want to feel used and wasted and abused again. The time before that, I had to because that habit was so hard to break already and it was breaking me even if I was with you already. That time, I was so into you that I still can't be away from you til now. But this time, I am trying to do it gently, and tryi...

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes. Today started out okay. Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore. Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things. ...

Will I look for you and tell you, "You mean a lot to me, so please stay with me."? These are the two things I usually ask myself nowadays. People come and go. And sometimes, I am very uncertain, or all the time I am very uncertain of what I feel towards someone. May it be a friend, family, or someone that can be potentially special to me. I have a hard time figuring out and realizing if this person is someone I want to keep in my life or not. So it always ends up, me leaving, or the other person leaving because of my doing.  Will I still be able to have those two questions answered by a yes?  That may be answered in time.. maybe not. 

The past month has been nothing but smooth sailing. I have been drugged for a month (yeah, like really. lol), and I think it works somehow. Over the past week and a half, I do have so many feelings, and maybe, possibly sinking into a different episode. Anyway, I am trying to deal with everything as much as possible, but I am very close to falling into a trap I cannot probably get out of at the moment.  So over the past few days, a few things happened I am not open to divulge in this post, but probably has seen by very few people that follow me on twitter. One other thing happened today which I haven't told anyone. But I did share a bit to someone over whatsapp. Been in a state of gloominess, except for last night, when I saw a friend happy and in love. Do not get me wrong. I still am very firm about my stand on happily ever afters, but, if people find it, I am very open to it and happy for them too. Seeing that coworker last night, I forgot my b...

I realized over the past few days that I get glimpses and flashbacks and nightmares of my exes every now and then. That is why I thought of actually making this post. Maybe by posting this. I can somehow release a lot of things I never actually said or did. Or maybe I did but forgot I did.  This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.  To my grade school crush/bestfriend , you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us...