Skip to main content

How do you say goodbye?

To my bestfriend, my partner, my confidant, my love,

Today marks the last day of us being together. I have to say good bye to you because I believe this will be the best for the both of us. I am leaving without regrets, but just tears in my eyes and sadness. It breaks my heart that I am not just losing a loved one, but a best friend too.
The past year and three months, you made me feel less alone. You made me feel I always have someone to call my own, and I have someone who had my back, even if you weren’t so sure how to take care of me and be there for me in my difficult days. The past month has been the happiest and most content I felt since five months ago, but I cant stay because we both know I wish there was something more. I don’t know if it was just me or I was expecting too much, but I felt that the time I gave you was more than enough to rethink our current situation.
I have to admit, Im used to no labels. But I guess sometimes, age tends to tell you that certainty in life is something we need for us to stay on out feet, and for us to feel safe and secure. I want that. The security and the safe place. I want to come home to someone at the end of the night and I can say I am home. I used to think of you as my home. And I still am. But that uncertainty that you made me live with, made my home less and less safe. You still are that home I wish for, but I’m leaving home to be independent and learn to find home in a different place. I still pray that I still find home in you someday, but for now. I will learn to be independent. I will learn to travel to places again and be on my own.
Right now, more than anything I fear to be alone again. I fear to be left alone again and not have a person. But I guess I just have to suck it up and try. I’m sad I lost someone dear to me, but I am more sad I don’t have my bestfriend with me anymore. We used to do the most boring things and the craziest things together. To laugh with the silliest stuff and to just be together and eat spicy tuna salad when things are bad. We ate simple to a little bit expensive dinners from time to time, and you hugged me on bad days and vice versa. You tried to ride with my mood swings and hold my ears when you wanted to show your affection. And I saw everything. I saw what life we could have. And to be honest. I realized it wasn’t so bad. It was boring and simple. Yet it was quiet and calm and soothing like a massage or a hug.

I want to say thank you for everything. I want to say my utmost gratitude for being my friend for the past year or so. Thank you for trying to not let me down and for not leaving me alone. I am thankful you stood by me on trying times and even you always wanted to give up, you stayed with me in the most crucial moments of my life for a couple of times, even if you never knew about them. Thank you for trying to save me each time I get suicidal or I get distant. Thank you for being there for me everyday. For reminding me that I have you in the least way and that I will never lose you. I thank you for saving my life all the time. You never knew what those simple good morning texts has done for me, those calls at night when Im on my way home, and those making sure I got home safe. I will miss those because those were the moments you showed you care and loved me.
Im sorry that I wasn’t enough. That my love and me being there wasn’t enough for you to stay and try. Im sorry that I wasn’t perfect or that I wasn’t well most of the time when you were with me. Im sorry I have a condition which I could never get away with. And Im sorry that you had to stay longer than you should have.

I wish you well. Ireally wish I could still be around. But we must do this. We must part ways. You and I, we have to stick to our decisions and just move forward in our lives separately. I still wish for someday. Until then that I get over us, I will still wish for someday. But for now, I am sorry. I am sorry for everything and I always wish you well. 

I love you and I miss you. Always. You always have a part of me. 


Popular posts from this blog

Indak - Up Dharma Down

Tatakbo at gagalaw Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw Kulang na lang, atakihin Ang pag-hinga'y nabibitin Ang dahilang alam mo na Kahit ano pang sabihin nila Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam Ngunit ako ngayo'y naguguluhan Makikinig ba ako Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo? O iindak na lamang Sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko na lamang na Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw Habang nanonood siya...  Paalis at pabalik May baong yakap at suklian ng halik Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto Ngunit pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Ako&#

Looking back 2009. I read my blog (the link above) when I got back this morning from a hella crazy night. Reading my past blog, I know I had to blog once again. It's been a while since I blogged anything. Haha. This year, was g enerally so so. Had my highs and lows as well. And I want to share it in detail. Seriously, in detail. I ended 2008 breaking u p with Kat. For thos of you who don't know, I had an almost 1 year official relationship with a girl AGAIN. And of course, after the break-up, we were still in contact so technically, we werent completely over each other. I started 2009 with high hopes o f us getting back together, and us fixing things. But instead, we separated ways after a few months. We celebrated our anniversary yes, but after that, I guess it was not meant to be. As of now, we still talk sometimes, but nonetheless, a lot has changed, for her and for me. She's moving to a different department, a department I highly recom

Epekto ng pagkajologs at walang tulog.

I have to admit, when I saw the trailers in ABS, I knew it would be such a craze, a big hit, and a good one. It started late nights, then when I was about to watch, was moved before 6PM. Cruel, right? Very much indeed. I tried my best to get hold of a DVD copy of the Korean version with subtitles in English, ALAS, I did. Thanks to my ever loving bestfriend. We did find a very good copy. I was so eager to watch, because I have missed a lot. And, after watching for 1 and a half days. Literally, from 11:30PM of Saturday, July 11, to July 13, 2009 at 5:30AM, with only 4 hour sleep. The break I had was peeing and bath. Rather than that, nothing. I ditched all my plans for Sunday. I just wanted to cut myself some slack and just do nothing. I wanted to separate myself, even for at least just this weekend. For me to rethink, reorganize, and reflect on everything. Apologies to my dearest God, because I didn't attend mass and missed the practice for Lord's day. I can't help it, the B