Hello,
I'm just writing down to put my thoughts and feelings into words, and like I say sometimes, when things come out, it becomes real. I guess, this time, this become real. I'm very very sad. It has been months since I have gone to therapy, and I have been in my saddest for quite some time. There are days I felt like giving up, days wherein day and night, all I think about is how I should die, or how to end my life, everything that is hard and hurting, and there are days I feel like I can do anything in this world, fearless and unstoppable.
Yesterday was once again a deal breaker. I felt stuffed and hurt, I felt I was not someone to be proud of, and I felt abandoned. Like I said, maybe it is for the best. I don't intend to win you over again, but I do intend to watch you from afar and just be there for you in case you need someone. I really want to be your friend, I really want to be in your life, whatever way or form. I feel like you're one of the few people who can understand me, and who I can be myself around with, because despite me having a lot of close friends, there are some things I still can't talk to them about, but with you, I could. You have been my best friend. And a partner rolled in to one. There wasn't anything I could wish for in whatever it was that we had, except the acceptance of your family. And to me, that matters a lot. Because I really want us to be present in each others' lives. And I didn't want to be disapproved by your family because I don't want you to keep seeing me without their knowledge. That matters to you, and I respect that. I also respect your family so much, that I guess I am just giving in with what they want.
I guess you know everything I wanted to say, because I really try my best to tell you everything. You are my best friend, maybe that's the reason why I am still hurting. Because even if I knew that yesterday or at some point losing you would come, it is still the hardest, because that happened to me before. In an instant, I just lost you and you just gave up on me. It reminded me of how Val left and how after that she never tried gaining me back anymore. She never tried being my friend again, and she never tried fixing what we had.
You see, Val was my person back then. She was everything I wished to have and everything I wanted her to be, in the exact moment in time. She pursued me even if she was 7, 000+ miles away, and she always did up until she just let me know she can't do it anymore. Even in days I was the hardest to love, she loved me and reminded me she was just there and I could always talk to her. It was hard opening up to her, my heart and my mind. But when I did, it was too late. She already had forgotten our love, and she already had forgotten our dream of being together and living together physically. Some would say I still haven't gotten over her, and maybe, sometimes I think that way, but more often the not, I just wish that she could still have been my friend. We weren't really friends to begin with, but we became friends along the way. She always took care of me. But when she was here, I took care of her every single day. When she was sick while she was with me, I took care of her, helped her poop, helped her take care of herself when she was unable to. Despite all our fights, I think she held on to our relationship, because she say=w that side if me she never saw while we were apart. After her trip, it was so hard to go back to our usual. We craved more for each others' touch because we experienced it already,. She was planning to move here to study, and I told her that would be hard if we cannot afford it. We ended up with a plan that she would ask her family's help here, as she had some affluent relatives here who could maybe help her get started and eventually helped her get a living here. I somehow was hesitant but I agreed to it. Little did she know, I was preparing myself mentally and emotionally to move to the states to be with her. I wanted her to know that I prefer her being with her family and that I wanted to be with her in a land with less rejections. That time, she was already ex-communicated from Jehovah, and lost almost all the people in her life. Maybe that was also a reason, why I was always hesitant with us. Because she lost her family because of me. And that's how much I loved her, that I was willing to let her go so she could gain her family back. She loved them so I respect them so much. But she lost 3 years of her life with her family because of me. That's why whenever people get mad when they think about her and what she did to me towards the end, I don't say anything and tell them that I also have my faults too. Know that I really tried to give her my everything. But I guess she realized I would never be good enough for us, and that I will always be lacking and I could only love her the way I know.
Maybe that's why I was drawn to you, because we were so alike. I could see myself in you, and now, for 2 months, we became steady, stagnant, simple. And to be honest, despite my tendencies to look for the rush and sometimes I feel so bored with us, is the fact that I liked how constant we were. I liked how simple things are. That we loved each other, we saw each other weekly, we eat, or watch movies or sometimes try to do something different like arcade. But now, we are going separate ways, I would like to wish that you find someone not like me. Someone better, and someone who will be able to give you happiness and love that I could never give or have, even for myself. I wish you find what would make you happy. For yourself. Don't think of pleasing other people. Sometimes, you can be selfish and pick what would make you feel good or feel happy. Hindi masama maging madamot, especially if it meant saving yourself from the things that hurt you. I really do pray that someday, you find that. All I wanted was for you to be happy and to be beside me. But I know I couldn't anymore. Salamat. Salamat dun mahigit isang taon. Kung alam mo lang, ang saya saya ko over the past few months. If not for my debts, I couldn't ask anything from the Lord anymore. Because I have my family, my friends and you. I could not wish for anything more because God gave me everything I needed and wanted in my life.
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