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Showing posts from 2015

Tipping point.

Everything just went downhill. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday. I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt. I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place. All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me. I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daugh

Relationship Goals.

Find me here at Your feet again Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender Come sweep me up in your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever


Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about. April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 ye

City of Smiles

I've been meaning to post something here, but instead of writing it down and whatnot, everything is staying in my head. Literally and figuratively. Hello from the City of Smiles. I just got back from dinner and coffee and dessert with a high school friend I haven't seen in forever and her husband. It's nice to see people from my old life every now and then, and reminds me of good times and how life used to be back then. I really appreciated the effort she and her husband did to accommodate me even in such a short notice. And they're a really lovely couple. We did eat at Bob's, had dinner with their friends here in Bacolod, as there is an event here so some of their friends are actually performers for that event, had one of the best desserts there too, and good lechon, and then had good coffee and talk after that in a hotel nearby. It's amazing how my out of the office work goes. I don't get a lot of down time since I have a schedule to meet, but, it is


I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things in his l

My innermost thoughts.

I am not sure if someone still reads this blog of mine, but it's kind of odd posting about this thing I wanted to write about, looking at my last post. (ha!) But, as odd as it sounds, I might as well shed a light to myself by writing what I wanted to write.  If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.  I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day,

This is it.

I have been talking to someone for months how I have been wanting to do something that will test me to my limit, and this Monday, I found an opportunity to do so. As one of my good friends/mentors mentioned, it can work both ways for me. It can help me regain something, or, it can make me go downward spiral and go back possibly somewhere behind I am now, or worse. As I type this, my mind is really going nuts. I have a huge headache, my heartbeat is faster every time that thought comes, and my heart may not be ready for what Monday is about to bring me. I call the heavens and the stars, and I pray to God that Monday will take me somewhere good. I will try not to think about it too much, but I am worried this weekend might bring me more nightmares than usual. Dear God, I don't ask for much. But today, I really pray that Monday will be okay. I do not want to end up somewhere I have never experienced, or something I did and would never want to go back ever.

The past two months that led up to this.

One of the things I hate besides betrayal/lying is feeling being used by someone, for reasons very obvious. This is why whenever I get into any kind of relationship, I assess and ask what is it that I really want or the other person wants from the relationship. And I make it sure and clear. I am very bad at trusting people, but once I do trust, anything lesser than that is disappointing and betrayal, still. This time, it makes me feel worse. Not that I was just betrayed, but I was even used. And when I say used, yes, physically used. And fuck that shit. Seriously, I don't think I can ever forget that. Up until I type this, there is a bit of hope that it isn't the case, but time and time again, I see it is just that. So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hang

Lost in translation.

Looking outside the hospital windows and corridors, I see the people, streets with and without anything, the view, the sky, the houses, and I stare at them blankly. I look into the horizon and I see nothing. I try to arrange thoughts, but all that happens would be tears building up in my eyes. I am not sure what is in the back of my head, but I am sure they are not happy thoughts. I find myself lost in my own world again, standing alone, and feeling shaded by everything around me. Sky outside is gloomy, and maybe as gloomy as how I feel at the moment. I tell myself everything is gonna be okay. And I believe it. I am just not sure if I will be okay. Emotions have been very erratic, thoughts have gone up and down, and I am not sure if this is the break that I need. I don’t think this is the break that I need. Everything is so chaotic, and all my thoughts are locked up somewhere in my head. I keep figuring out how to let them out, I even thought of calling people, but when I do, I fe

Happy Valentine's Day!

Okay, so everyone knows that I DO NOT CELEBRATE Valentine's. Not that I hate it or whatsoever, but I just feel like I don't need Valentine's to show how much I care for the person. I can do that any way (not that I am expressive or whatsoever, just sayin'). Anyway, this year, I decided to do something different and celebrate Valentine's day, in a different way. Someone asked me out for Valentine's, I said no flatly. I was starting to get convinced, but still, I couldn't bend my rules for the person so yeah, ended up a no. Then there's this sorta conniving plan my friend made and I am an accomplice, so that's that. But the real deal? I spent that day with people that maybe I needed to spend time with. A week before that day, I already told my half brother I did not have a date, not I wished to have one, and told him I wanted him to take me out instead. Yes, pinilit ko talaga siya ng solid. And I like that he didn't refuse and tried to make tim

The cool breeze, the waves, and very little company, or lack thereof.

I am sitting at a place that gives me quite a bit of inspiration. I found this place through friends and the buzz, and tonight, I have been working for an hour here already. Staying here just for one night lights up my mood today, given the circumstances I am in at the moment. So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way. Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well,

Fuck you.

Unfortunately, this maybe hormones, my irritability with everything and feeling very uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like I should really put this out here. For months, I wonder what could have been, might have been. I wonder whether my choices with regards to you, us, has been right. But now.. all I can say is fuck you.  I know that we started out wrong on so many levels, and you woke my inner sense, telling me that I was going downward spiral. You were the one who told me to try to put down my walls even a bit, to try to trust, to believe in you when you said all those things to me. You were getting close, while I wasn't. You were really really close. I think you went in, eventually. I do not know when, how or why, but eventually you did. I mourned for you, cried for you. I did tell a couple of people that I think I actually fell in love with you at some point. I knew you were never completely in, but you went in at some point. I don't know why, but hearing what I

How was 2014? Oh hello, 2015 too.

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin