So they say.

I am not sure if someone still reads this blog of mine, but it's kind of odd posting about this thing I wanted to write about, looking at my last post. (ha!) But, as odd as it sounds, I might as well shed a light to myself by writing what I wanted to write.  If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.  I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day,...

Homily today was something I never expected to hear today. Gospel talks about loving your neighbor the way you love yourself. But that’s the thing, I don’t even know if I love myself enough. I have been blaming myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, and feeling that I deserved all of it. I thought, after all these years of protecting myself, of walking away from a lot of things, from not getting myself get hurt, I thought I was loving myself more. I realized today that it was how I loved myself, but it wasn’t enough. I have lived all these years in fear. Fear that all those bad things happening again. Getting hurt by the one you love, feeling my heart breaking every time, feeling the pain by every hit someone I care about says to me, or getting shattered by every blow a threat or a punch or anything physical was shown to me by the people I love and care for. I play the victim, because by definition, I am. But I also realized that going to therapy, I am trying ...

One summer, there is a girl who joined a widely known organization. She was 13 then, and was just dragged by her cousin and mom to attend this event. The girl was known to be quite outspoken, but has been sheltered by her family. She has been used to her own little world and doesn’t know what outside entails. After joining this org, she met a lot of people, good and bad. Just barely a month or two after joining, she finds herself in love situations. She thought she fell in love with a boy whom she was good friends with, but turns out, the boy was just all talk. She thought her heart was broken. She felt her heart was broken. She thought she was in love. It turns out, she was misled. It wasn’t really love. Then, someone came. He was one year older than her, someone who was friends with her since she joined. They were both new to the organization. They were in a group together with other newbies and some veterans in the organization. While she was trying to nurse her “broken” he...

So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).  So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.  Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy h...

This is the first time I am talking about you anywhere in a very long time. I have been thinking about this post since this morning, but ended up writing 3 or 4 sentences in my journal and nothing about you. Think of this post as long overdue, and something maybe timely, or something that maybe can be just called a brain fart. How have you been ever since 1996? That was the last time I saw you up close, with a little kid too. I remember that little kid was probably between 1-3 years old of age back then, and found out he was another sibling I had. I'm sure my sister had never remembered that incident, because she barely remembers you too. The last time I actually saw you, was 2007. I was with Tita Sylvia, she was visiting Manila, and we met her  because she and I have a special bonding since we used to write letters and send cards to each other back then. She was the only relative on your side of the family I really had connection with. We we're on our way out, when we saw ...

I just realized.. while back reading earlier today.. why I am so emotional. Apparently, three years ago, was the day when Val was on a plane going here. It was such a dream come true, for me to see her. To be honest.. when she was here. I wanted to tell her to not go home and stay here for good. I didn't have the guts because I am unsure how to support the both of us. So I had to let her go.. and never did I thought that that was the last time I will see her, while we are in a relationship. That 5 weeks was pretty awesome. I never thought I was that patient and was that caring. It was never a dull moment with her. I still vividly remember how we sleep, how we wake up at 3 in the morning.. not realizing it was probably jetlag. I also remember how our first few days were us settling here in the PH together. Walking wearing sleeping clothes, eating take outs and drinking whatever. I could remember clearly how I hugged her and how she cried when she saw me because I was an hour lat...