I just realized.. while back reading earlier today.. why I am so emotional.
Apparently, three years ago, was the day when Val was on a plane going here. It was such a dream come true, for me to see her. To be honest.. when she was here. I wanted to tell her to not go home and stay here for good. I didn't have the guts because I am unsure how to support the both of us. So I had to let her go.. and never did I thought that that was the last time I will see her, while we are in a relationship.
That 5 weeks was pretty awesome. I never thought I was that patient and was that caring. It was never a dull moment with her. I still vividly remember how we sleep, how we wake up at 3 in the morning.. not realizing it was probably jetlag. I also remember how our first few days were us settling here in the PH together. Walking wearing sleeping clothes, eating take outs and drinking whatever. I could remember clearly how I hugged her and how she cried when she saw me because I was an hour late from picking her up. There was never an awkward moment.. There was no silent moments. If there was, it would probably moments where we lie down next to each other. Sleeping. Or just savouring each second together, or watching the sunrise and sunset together. Each day for that 5 weeks was definitely one for the books. Even until now, to be honest, I can never ever compare the 5 weeks to any of my vacations or experiences. It is by far the most memorable thing that happened in my life.
I have so many things to be thankful for, but I have a few to be sad about. God has plans for each and everyone of us. I have to remind myself everyday that it may not be what I wanted, but I am pretty sure that God had a reason why.
I remember clearly that day I picked her up. We unpacked all her stuff the whole day to pick out the pasalubongs, and to check what needs to be unpacked. That first night, we decided to just hang out and eat take out. We slept very little and talked and hugged each other. That unfateful moment we realized she was completely broke and unsure why she doesnt have money. That moment where we woke up 3am the next day checking her bank account. Oh, the memories.
I remember asking her to eat everything I have been eating and we fight because there are things she doesn't eat and I want her to eat. We went to Sunday markets, Saturday night and morning markets. We went to Kpop con, we spazzed, ate our heart out every meal we spent together, we walked hand in hand, commuted together, laughed and cried together. We even got sick together. How freakingly awesome is that. LOL.
Today, I reminisce with tears in my eyes. I miss them. The memories. I miss her. Even though we are not together anymore, I know that I will never forget her and all our good memories together. With her, I have always felt the safest. Emotionally and physically. She may not be here with me physically, but I never felt threatened of her love. With her, it has always been safe and sound. I love her, deeply. But probably, God wanted us to be where we are right now because it is best for the both of us. To be honest, I am not sure how she is right now. How her heart is. But I can tell you mine. My heart is in pain. Because I miss her. A lot. I miss how she takes care of me. I miss how she reminds me that despite distance I have her to run to. I am not sure if I want us to be together, but I know that I am in pain because I long for her comfort and security. She makes me feel safe all the time. I see God in her. She is God's reminder to me never to give up and never to lose faith. At those moments wherein I am ready to lose my life, she was there to listen and to talk and to remind me that I still have someone to lean on to. I am not really sad, I think. I am more of just longing for someone. To be honest, nowadays, when I think of her, I am not really sad, I just wish I can spend a little time with her. I guess.
I don't think we will be back together.. and to be honest, I think I am okay with it. I mean yeah, I am not prepared to see her with someone new yet. But if it happens, whether I am prepared or not, I am sure to understand. Like how I tried to accept and now understand why she had to leave, why she chose to give up on me.
I mean it makes me sad at times thinking it happened, and I guess it is normal.. But, I see her now, and I see the Val I used to love, and my heart becomes at ease. At least now, I can love her from afar, like how I always wanted to instead of us being together. I will be there for her even though she may not be for me. I will shower her with love even though she won't, and I will remind her every day that I will always be there for her, even if I decide to leave this world, intentional or not.
Life has so many twists and turns, and this is one of them. I will be better, in time. For now, let me be a bit emotional today.
This was the last song she tagged me with, 6 months ago. http://valteng.tumblr.com/post/49002764083
Listening to this, I get emotional. But I end up smiling because we don't really have so many bad memories. :)
Apparently, three years ago, was the day when Val was on a plane going here. It was such a dream come true, for me to see her. To be honest.. when she was here. I wanted to tell her to not go home and stay here for good. I didn't have the guts because I am unsure how to support the both of us. So I had to let her go.. and never did I thought that that was the last time I will see her, while we are in a relationship.
That 5 weeks was pretty awesome. I never thought I was that patient and was that caring. It was never a dull moment with her. I still vividly remember how we sleep, how we wake up at 3 in the morning.. not realizing it was probably jetlag. I also remember how our first few days were us settling here in the PH together. Walking wearing sleeping clothes, eating take outs and drinking whatever. I could remember clearly how I hugged her and how she cried when she saw me because I was an hour late from picking her up. There was never an awkward moment.. There was no silent moments. If there was, it would probably moments where we lie down next to each other. Sleeping. Or just savouring each second together, or watching the sunrise and sunset together. Each day for that 5 weeks was definitely one for the books. Even until now, to be honest, I can never ever compare the 5 weeks to any of my vacations or experiences. It is by far the most memorable thing that happened in my life.
I have so many things to be thankful for, but I have a few to be sad about. God has plans for each and everyone of us. I have to remind myself everyday that it may not be what I wanted, but I am pretty sure that God had a reason why.
I remember clearly that day I picked her up. We unpacked all her stuff the whole day to pick out the pasalubongs, and to check what needs to be unpacked. That first night, we decided to just hang out and eat take out. We slept very little and talked and hugged each other. That unfateful moment we realized she was completely broke and unsure why she doesnt have money. That moment where we woke up 3am the next day checking her bank account. Oh, the memories.
I remember asking her to eat everything I have been eating and we fight because there are things she doesn't eat and I want her to eat. We went to Sunday markets, Saturday night and morning markets. We went to Kpop con, we spazzed, ate our heart out every meal we spent together, we walked hand in hand, commuted together, laughed and cried together. We even got sick together. How freakingly awesome is that. LOL.
Today, I reminisce with tears in my eyes. I miss them. The memories. I miss her. Even though we are not together anymore, I know that I will never forget her and all our good memories together. With her, I have always felt the safest. Emotionally and physically. She may not be here with me physically, but I never felt threatened of her love. With her, it has always been safe and sound. I love her, deeply. But probably, God wanted us to be where we are right now because it is best for the both of us. To be honest, I am not sure how she is right now. How her heart is. But I can tell you mine. My heart is in pain. Because I miss her. A lot. I miss how she takes care of me. I miss how she reminds me that despite distance I have her to run to. I am not sure if I want us to be together, but I know that I am in pain because I long for her comfort and security. She makes me feel safe all the time. I see God in her. She is God's reminder to me never to give up and never to lose faith. At those moments wherein I am ready to lose my life, she was there to listen and to talk and to remind me that I still have someone to lean on to. I am not really sad, I think. I am more of just longing for someone. To be honest, nowadays, when I think of her, I am not really sad, I just wish I can spend a little time with her. I guess.
I don't think we will be back together.. and to be honest, I think I am okay with it. I mean yeah, I am not prepared to see her with someone new yet. But if it happens, whether I am prepared or not, I am sure to understand. Like how I tried to accept and now understand why she had to leave, why she chose to give up on me.
I mean it makes me sad at times thinking it happened, and I guess it is normal.. But, I see her now, and I see the Val I used to love, and my heart becomes at ease. At least now, I can love her from afar, like how I always wanted to instead of us being together. I will be there for her even though she may not be for me. I will shower her with love even though she won't, and I will remind her every day that I will always be there for her, even if I decide to leave this world, intentional or not.
Life has so many twists and turns, and this is one of them. I will be better, in time. For now, let me be a bit emotional today.
This was the last song she tagged me with, 6 months ago. http://valteng.tumblr.com/post/49002764083
Listening to this, I get emotional. But I end up smiling because we don't really have so many bad memories. :)
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