So they say.

Everything just went downhill. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday. I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt. I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place. All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me. I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daugh...

One of the things I hate besides betrayal/lying is feeling being used by someone, for reasons very obvious. This is why whenever I get into any kind of relationship, I assess and ask what is it that I really want or the other person wants from the relationship. And I make it sure and clear. I am very bad at trusting people, but once I do trust, anything lesser than that is disappointing and betrayal, still. This time, it makes me feel worse. Not that I was just betrayed, but I was even used. And when I say used, yes, physically used. And fuck that shit. Seriously, I don't think I can ever forget that. Up until I type this, there is a bit of hope that it isn't the case, but time and time again, I see it is just that. So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hang...

Unfortunately, this maybe hormones, my irritability with everything and feeling very uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like I should really put this out here. For months, I wonder what could have been, might have been. I wonder whether my choices with regards to you, us, has been right. But now.. all I can say is fuck you.  I know that we started out wrong on so many levels, and you woke my inner sense, telling me that I was going downward spiral. You were the one who told me to try to put down my walls even a bit, to try to trust, to believe in you when you said all those things to me. You were getting close, while I wasn't. You were really really close. I think you went in, eventually. I do not know when, how or why, but eventually you did. I mourned for you, cried for you. I did tell a couple of people that I think I actually fell in love with you at some point. I knew you were never completely in, but you went in at some point. I don't know why, but hearing what I...