So they say.

I realized that I have not written anything here in forever, and it has been three years since my last note.  I couldn't believe that time flew by fast and that I have drank a cumulative amount of a whole bottle of wine today starting from lunch. I used to dislike wine, but here I am. I have officially drank 4 bottles of wine since May 23, 2020, a bottle of which I think I consumed that same night. Right now, I only have one and a half bottles left of wine, which means I either conserve wine or get myself two more bottles. Go figure what my choice would be.  So how am I? I think I'm better than where I was three years ago, but in some aspects, probably far worse. I have experienced so much the last three years, an emotional and verbal abusive relationship with the last relationship I posted here, started a good relationship with wine also, slowed down in terms of drinking habits, moved jobs, hated my dad more, missed him sometimes as well, lost both grandparents in my dad's...

I'm here again. I want to put out my thoughts and feelings, but seems that nothing does come out of me anymore. Since I left Kai's area yesterday, I barely spoke a word, or even talked to anyone. I have a massive headache I've been trying to nurse for a week, but no luck in it going away. I took the day off to rest, but all I ended up is crying over this series which is so close to my heart. I really wish I could make someone understand of what people with mental illness are going through, but, unfortunately I can't, because I don't fully understand it myself either. All anyone could ever do is try. And I guess that is what I have been looking for all this time. For someone to care enough or to stay enough despite waves and flashfloods and landslides coming. I wish someone does not give up on me or what I could offer. I wish someone did not decide to leave just because she couldn't handle things. Despite me being unable to extend my gratitude well, I absolutel...

To my bestfriend, my partner, my confidant, my love, Today marks the last day of us being together. I have to say good bye to you because I believe this will be the best for the both of us. I am leaving without regrets, but just tears in my eyes and sadness. It breaks my heart that I am not just losing a loved one, but a best friend too. The past year and three months, you made me feel less alone. You made me feel I always have someone to call my own, and I have someone who had my back, even if you weren’t so sure how to take care of me and be there for me in my difficult days. The past month has been the happiest and most content I felt since five months ago, but I cant stay because we both know I wish there was something more. I don’t know if it was just me or I was expecting too much, but I felt that the time I gave you was more than enough to rethink our current situation. I have to admit, Im used to no labels. But I guess sometimes, age tends to tell you that certainty in...

This Is Me Finally Closing The Chapter Of Us I read this a few days ago and it clearly spoke to me. This sums up how my current relationship/friendship is with someone. I know I am not ready to let go. But I am trying to make all the excuses to myself so that I could either hold on or let go already. But who knows? Maybe the right time has come. That no matter how much you care about the person, maybe now is not the right time. Or maybe now isn't what its supposed to be. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow, but somewhere along the way I feel it would happen. Sucks, I know. I am still in the midst of thinking about it, but let's see. Hope you enjoy reading the article as much as I did. A little sad, but I realized sometimes our realities can be sad. We just have to choose how to live with it, or die with it. Click on the link above.

Home by Reese Lansangan Verse I:  Oh my love  Did they tell you  Just how long a time  It took for me to get to you  And when the world  Said it's impossible  Said it's improbable  The chances of me finding you  Pre-chorus:  But nobody knows  How we go  When we're alone  It's like we're home  Chorus:  My bones are safe  And my heart can rest  Knowing it belongs to you  My world is changed  And it's cradled by  The comfort that is you  Ooh  Verse II:  Oh my love  My head is reeling  And I am running out of air  I need to breathe in  I didn't know  That it was possible  To put all that I am  In the palm of your hand  Now we're unstoppable  Pre-chorus:  But nobody knows  How we go  When we're alone  It's like we're home  Bridge:  But nobody knows...

I just thought of making one post for you, pouring it out here and after this, will start to move on already. Meeting you was a surprise, and getting to know you even was much more unexpected. It has been 2 years since I lost Val, and I was still trying to move on from our break up. Weeks before meeting you, Val and I talked, and even if we decided that it was for the best. I think I wouldn't lose her completely because she knew she was still existing in my dreams. But then, I met you and everything changed. Gradually. I still miss her, from time to time, but having you with me and hugging me when I have a bad day, I know it was the right choice of standing by you all these months. It was never easy, opening up to you, getting to know you, meeting you in secret and then going out in dating you. I had to make a lot of choices, I made mistakes, but in the end, I chose to be with you because you made me happy. Despite all the circumstances we keep on going through, I can still say t...

I haven't had the chance to write anything in a really long time.  I guess I'm putting it out here, so that I can let things out of my head.  I'm very good at play pretend and showing that things are okay even though I am hanging on to dear life and things are just bad.  I don't have the patience with anything nowadays and I'm really mad. Like dead mad all the time. I can always scream and shout if I can. But I choose not to talk to people and in the end I tend to be very annoyed and angry and sometimes or most of the time I just sound cranky and a bit to people.  I also don't have the patience nowadays. I don't like waiting, and I am irritated all the time.  I have a lot of things to be angry and annoyed about but I will try not to say anything because after all this is an open blog.  Anyway. How have I been? My therapist asked me this last Saturday. To be honest. I haven't been okay. I am not okay. I just want to burst out crying. I want t...

Find me here at Your feet again Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender Come sweep me up in your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever

Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about. April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 ye...

I've been meaning to post something here, but instead of writing it down and whatnot, everything is staying in my head. Literally and figuratively. Hello from the City of Smiles. I just got back from dinner and coffee and dessert with a high school friend I haven't seen in forever and her husband. It's nice to see people from my old life every now and then, and reminds me of good times and how life used to be back then. I really appreciated the effort she and her husband did to accommodate me even in such a short notice. And they're a really lovely couple. We did eat at Bob's, had dinner with their friends here in Bacolod, as there is an event here so some of their friends are actually performers for that event, had one of the best desserts there too, and good lechon, and then had good coffee and talk after that in a hotel nearby. It's amazing how my out of the office work goes. I don't get a lot of down time since I have a schedule to meet, but, it is...

I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things ...

I am not sure if someone still reads this blog of mine, but it's kind of odd posting about this thing I wanted to write about, looking at my last post. (ha!) But, as odd as it sounds, I might as well shed a light to myself by writing what I wanted to write.  If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.  I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day,...

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin...

My face above the water My feet can't touch the ground Touch the ground, and it feels like I can see the sands on the horizon everytime (everytime) You are not around I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away) Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream I wish I could make it easy Easy to love me Love me But still I reach, to find a way I'm stuck here in between I'm looking for the right words to say (to say) I'm slowly drifting, drifting away Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream Okay, this is nothing about any dramatic love story. It's just that the song is now my current LSS and is the story of my life at the moment in general. I am currently drifting away, losing touch of reality, and ...