I haven't had the chance to write anything in a really long time.
I guess I'm putting it out here, so that I can let things out of my head.
I'm very good at play pretend and showing that things are okay even though I am hanging on to dear life and things are just bad.
I don't have the patience with anything nowadays and I'm really mad. Like dead mad all the time. I can always scream and shout if I can. But I choose not to talk to people and in the end I tend to be very annoyed and angry and sometimes or most of the time I just sound cranky and a bit to people.
I also don't have the patience nowadays. I don't like waiting, and I am irritated all the time.
I have a lot of things to be angry and annoyed about but I will try not to say anything because after all this is an open blog.
Anyway. How have I been? My therapist asked me this last Saturday. To be honest. I haven't been okay. I am not okay. I just want to burst out crying. I want to stay home already and not go out. But I have to work. I have to make my mind do something or put it into good use, I have to earn money as well, and I just need to pretend I would like to survive in this cold, vicious place called earth. I don't want to be where I am at the moment, and I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I am so close to breaking down, lashing out if I haven't been yet, and I am so close to just stopping. I just try to keep in mind, that I am trying to fix everything especially my finances before I decide to stop living in this world. I don't want to be a burden to my family and to anyone if I die. I'll probably just want to leave and be far without anyone noticing. That's what I have always wanted and have been planning.
Sometimes, I can't help but get attached and be close to people, my mom, my closest friends, and sometimes, when someone special comes along. But then, I will be ticked by any of the things that annoy me and suddenly hate them or be mad and upset to them like now. And then, I will remember what I have been planning all this time and remind myself to stick to it. Less close relationships, the better. Less hurt especially for my heart and my mind. I have to keep my head in the game. Not lose focus so that eventually, in time, I reach my goal. That goal to be far away and long gone, leave this world in peace and without anyone noticing.
You may ask as to why this is the case? This would also probably be the first time that I will spell this one out here.
I don't like waiting. I feel like when people make me wait it means I am not worth the time and effort for a single text or whatnot letting me know of anything. I don't like holding on or hanging on without anything or any reason to be left behind or stay. It attacks my heart so bad. And my ego as well. That I am not worthy of anything. That I am not someone worth anything. That's why when people make me wait, or when people ignore me. I just choose to up and go. This may be just a text, a message, an email, a phone call or whatever. I really get worked up on these things. I know, I know. I also have this bad habit of making people wait, and I sincerely apologize for that. To be honest, I feel bad when I make people wait, that's why I usually end up treating people, or apologizing or being quiet. But when people do this to me, they pretend that everything is okay and what not. So alas, I would like them to feel the taste of their own medicine. To be honest, before, I think I may be hard headed and mainitin ang ulo at times, but I can be very patient. I can be left somewhere without a care in the world and I will be fine. Used to wait for 4 hours. But now, even for 5 minutes I can't wait. Maybe this is also because of the anxiety and the panic it brings me. And I can't worry because I get all worked up again, and that I get mad and annoyed and shit. So yeah.
For sometime, or for the longest time I can recall, I don't feel like living already. I don't feel anything. I don't see or need to live anymore. I cannot find that motivation to survive. Probably because my heart and my whole being has been stomped on, has been stepped on, shattered, broken, lashed on, and my whole self almost died, due to a series of unfortunate events in my life. Or probably because I don't feel I deserve anything anymore in my life. People have called me so many names in my lifetime. People have broken my heart and my trust so many times, people have just torn me apart and have lost their respect towards me that they could have done so many bad things or said so many worst things to me that I don't have the courage to live one more day anymore.
My mom - she has just time and time again belittled me. When it was her time to treat me a bit better, I can never see it that way anymore. I end up having tantrums with her already, because I cannot see past through all the things she is trying to do because of the hardships I had to go through because of her. All those lashing out, spanking, those cussing, and all those belittling and bad choices I have done in my life. I never felt I was a daughter to her. I never felt I meant something more to her or same as my sister. I was always the inferior one. Always.
My dad - The absentee one who never fails to disappoint me. Who never forgets to abandon me and who never fails to remind me that he isn't around to help me move on from this, from everything life has thrown at me.
Younger years -- child, teen, adolescent - all those bullying I had to go through because I wasn't the popular one, because I wasn't the liked one and the friendliest one. All the mocking I had to go through because of everything people called me. I was the slut, the bitch, the maldita, and then the slut again, the malandi, the one who'll be the first one to get pregnant before graduating high school, and take note. Even closest friends, or family even called me that. Why would I want to live in a world that people have called me so many names. Just because they didn't like me or how I have lived my life.
Singapore ex - I thought we would be together for a long time. But my relationship with this person became so abusive I lost myself. I lost my belief in myself and lost faith in myself. He didn't respect me and my wishes. He respected me for a bit, earned my trust, and it because abusive. Verbally, then physically. At some point, I had to also be like that to him. I had to fight. It even came to a point he didn't care anymore whether anyone sees or hear us, I got dragged from the second floor and thrown outside his house because he was upset with me. He held scissors to my throat and told me that I should shut my mouth or he'll do something to me. I cared for him deeply. But I realized late how bad and toxic our relationship was. Even if I cared for him deeply and was willing to risk a lot of things, I realized I cannot be with someone who treated me that way. I just can't.
--- - To this guy who ruined a lot of my hopes and dreams of falling in love and being a normal person. My life went 360 degrees at least 10 times because of all of the stunts he has pulled. Not just to be but to my family. Until now, my family had to pay for it. He never felt sorry or remorse for all the bad things he did. Maybe I deserved to get sexually abused, but my family, my family never had to suffer because of his ego that would never win towards me. Up until today, I live with those years of horror because of what he did to me and to my family. Okay na sana yung ako nalang. Or not. But my family having all these problems because of what he did to us? No can do. It ripped me and my family apart.
LDR - I never thought that I will get into this because I don't like relationships, but I tried my best. But I realized how broken and shattered I was. I could never keep the pieces together. And I thought she helped me. But I realized she loved me because she hoped I would be that person she wanted me to be, and not because she accepted me for who I am. I didn't realize up until a year after she left, that she broke me more than I thought she did. I lost more, and I lost a whole lot more of self trust, and gained more doubt in my life. Maybe that's why wala ako bilib sa sarili ko. Because she was the last piece to that hanging broken piece in me. I cared for her a lot, and was willing to let go of everything I had, but she reliazed she didn't love me for me, but she loved me for who I could be and maybe I can be when everything is settled and I have become better. When in the case, I won't get better, and I am just trying to help myself be normal, or try to be normal.
That guy two years ago - I didn't think I would stoop down low and become someone's slut. But then, I realized that while I thought I was using you, at the same time, you used me for your ego. Maybe you care about me, maybe you didn't, but all I know was that I tried somehow to see the better of myself and you in the hopes of having a normal relationship. But clearly, I was being used to boost someone's ego. And until now, I am haunted by you because I trusted.
I keep on trusting people and humanity, in the hopes that there is good in it, but I can't.
A lot of people have passed in my life, maybe I have passed on already something good, because after that two years ago, I can never just let go and be happy and be free of everything. I am always locked in my shell, I am scared for my life already. I get anxious all the time, I get too close, I breakdown and lose myself. I don't want to trust and believe in goodness anymore because I don't believe it exists. I have my values and now, I know myself better but I can't go out anymore and believing in something. Because everyone has took away everything I believed in.
That's why I decided to just keep on running away. Because someday, people won't notice I'm gone. Someday, people won't realize I'm long gone.
Sorry for the long post. I just need to get everything out. One day, this will happen. Just a little more time. I'll say my subtle good byes, and just be gone. I'll save myself and everyone else the trouble of getting hurt by me and because of me, or hurting myself because of them.
I guess I'm putting it out here, so that I can let things out of my head.
I'm very good at play pretend and showing that things are okay even though I am hanging on to dear life and things are just bad.
I don't have the patience with anything nowadays and I'm really mad. Like dead mad all the time. I can always scream and shout if I can. But I choose not to talk to people and in the end I tend to be very annoyed and angry and sometimes or most of the time I just sound cranky and a bit to people.
I also don't have the patience nowadays. I don't like waiting, and I am irritated all the time.
I have a lot of things to be angry and annoyed about but I will try not to say anything because after all this is an open blog.
Anyway. How have I been? My therapist asked me this last Saturday. To be honest. I haven't been okay. I am not okay. I just want to burst out crying. I want to stay home already and not go out. But I have to work. I have to make my mind do something or put it into good use, I have to earn money as well, and I just need to pretend I would like to survive in this cold, vicious place called earth. I don't want to be where I am at the moment, and I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I am so close to breaking down, lashing out if I haven't been yet, and I am so close to just stopping. I just try to keep in mind, that I am trying to fix everything especially my finances before I decide to stop living in this world. I don't want to be a burden to my family and to anyone if I die. I'll probably just want to leave and be far without anyone noticing. That's what I have always wanted and have been planning.
Sometimes, I can't help but get attached and be close to people, my mom, my closest friends, and sometimes, when someone special comes along. But then, I will be ticked by any of the things that annoy me and suddenly hate them or be mad and upset to them like now. And then, I will remember what I have been planning all this time and remind myself to stick to it. Less close relationships, the better. Less hurt especially for my heart and my mind. I have to keep my head in the game. Not lose focus so that eventually, in time, I reach my goal. That goal to be far away and long gone, leave this world in peace and without anyone noticing.
You may ask as to why this is the case? This would also probably be the first time that I will spell this one out here.
I don't like waiting. I feel like when people make me wait it means I am not worth the time and effort for a single text or whatnot letting me know of anything. I don't like holding on or hanging on without anything or any reason to be left behind or stay. It attacks my heart so bad. And my ego as well. That I am not worthy of anything. That I am not someone worth anything. That's why when people make me wait, or when people ignore me. I just choose to up and go. This may be just a text, a message, an email, a phone call or whatever. I really get worked up on these things. I know, I know. I also have this bad habit of making people wait, and I sincerely apologize for that. To be honest, I feel bad when I make people wait, that's why I usually end up treating people, or apologizing or being quiet. But when people do this to me, they pretend that everything is okay and what not. So alas, I would like them to feel the taste of their own medicine. To be honest, before, I think I may be hard headed and mainitin ang ulo at times, but I can be very patient. I can be left somewhere without a care in the world and I will be fine. Used to wait for 4 hours. But now, even for 5 minutes I can't wait. Maybe this is also because of the anxiety and the panic it brings me. And I can't worry because I get all worked up again, and that I get mad and annoyed and shit. So yeah.
For sometime, or for the longest time I can recall, I don't feel like living already. I don't feel anything. I don't see or need to live anymore. I cannot find that motivation to survive. Probably because my heart and my whole being has been stomped on, has been stepped on, shattered, broken, lashed on, and my whole self almost died, due to a series of unfortunate events in my life. Or probably because I don't feel I deserve anything anymore in my life. People have called me so many names in my lifetime. People have broken my heart and my trust so many times, people have just torn me apart and have lost their respect towards me that they could have done so many bad things or said so many worst things to me that I don't have the courage to live one more day anymore.
My mom - she has just time and time again belittled me. When it was her time to treat me a bit better, I can never see it that way anymore. I end up having tantrums with her already, because I cannot see past through all the things she is trying to do because of the hardships I had to go through because of her. All those lashing out, spanking, those cussing, and all those belittling and bad choices I have done in my life. I never felt I was a daughter to her. I never felt I meant something more to her or same as my sister. I was always the inferior one. Always.
My dad - The absentee one who never fails to disappoint me. Who never forgets to abandon me and who never fails to remind me that he isn't around to help me move on from this, from everything life has thrown at me.
Younger years -- child, teen, adolescent - all those bullying I had to go through because I wasn't the popular one, because I wasn't the liked one and the friendliest one. All the mocking I had to go through because of everything people called me. I was the slut, the bitch, the maldita, and then the slut again, the malandi, the one who'll be the first one to get pregnant before graduating high school, and take note. Even closest friends, or family even called me that. Why would I want to live in a world that people have called me so many names. Just because they didn't like me or how I have lived my life.
Singapore ex - I thought we would be together for a long time. But my relationship with this person became so abusive I lost myself. I lost my belief in myself and lost faith in myself. He didn't respect me and my wishes. He respected me for a bit, earned my trust, and it because abusive. Verbally, then physically. At some point, I had to also be like that to him. I had to fight. It even came to a point he didn't care anymore whether anyone sees or hear us, I got dragged from the second floor and thrown outside his house because he was upset with me. He held scissors to my throat and told me that I should shut my mouth or he'll do something to me. I cared for him deeply. But I realized late how bad and toxic our relationship was. Even if I cared for him deeply and was willing to risk a lot of things, I realized I cannot be with someone who treated me that way. I just can't.
--- - To this guy who ruined a lot of my hopes and dreams of falling in love and being a normal person. My life went 360 degrees at least 10 times because of all of the stunts he has pulled. Not just to be but to my family. Until now, my family had to pay for it. He never felt sorry or remorse for all the bad things he did. Maybe I deserved to get sexually abused, but my family, my family never had to suffer because of his ego that would never win towards me. Up until today, I live with those years of horror because of what he did to me and to my family. Okay na sana yung ako nalang. Or not. But my family having all these problems because of what he did to us? No can do. It ripped me and my family apart.
LDR - I never thought that I will get into this because I don't like relationships, but I tried my best. But I realized how broken and shattered I was. I could never keep the pieces together. And I thought she helped me. But I realized she loved me because she hoped I would be that person she wanted me to be, and not because she accepted me for who I am. I didn't realize up until a year after she left, that she broke me more than I thought she did. I lost more, and I lost a whole lot more of self trust, and gained more doubt in my life. Maybe that's why wala ako bilib sa sarili ko. Because she was the last piece to that hanging broken piece in me. I cared for her a lot, and was willing to let go of everything I had, but she reliazed she didn't love me for me, but she loved me for who I could be and maybe I can be when everything is settled and I have become better. When in the case, I won't get better, and I am just trying to help myself be normal, or try to be normal.
That guy two years ago - I didn't think I would stoop down low and become someone's slut. But then, I realized that while I thought I was using you, at the same time, you used me for your ego. Maybe you care about me, maybe you didn't, but all I know was that I tried somehow to see the better of myself and you in the hopes of having a normal relationship. But clearly, I was being used to boost someone's ego. And until now, I am haunted by you because I trusted.
I keep on trusting people and humanity, in the hopes that there is good in it, but I can't.
A lot of people have passed in my life, maybe I have passed on already something good, because after that two years ago, I can never just let go and be happy and be free of everything. I am always locked in my shell, I am scared for my life already. I get anxious all the time, I get too close, I breakdown and lose myself. I don't want to trust and believe in goodness anymore because I don't believe it exists. I have my values and now, I know myself better but I can't go out anymore and believing in something. Because everyone has took away everything I believed in.
That's why I decided to just keep on running away. Because someday, people won't notice I'm gone. Someday, people won't realize I'm long gone.
Sorry for the long post. I just need to get everything out. One day, this will happen. Just a little more time. I'll say my subtle good byes, and just be gone. I'll save myself and everyone else the trouble of getting hurt by me and because of me, or hurting myself because of them.
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