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Just another sad day

I'm here again. I want to put out my thoughts and feelings, but seems that nothing does come out of me anymore. Since I left Kai's area yesterday, I barely spoke a word, or even talked to anyone. I have a massive headache I've been trying to nurse for a week, but no luck in it going away.

I took the day off to rest, but all I ended up is crying over this series which is so close to my heart. I really wish I could make someone understand of what people with mental illness are going through, but, unfortunately I can't, because I don't fully understand it myself either. All anyone could ever do is try. And I guess that is what I have been looking for all this time. For someone to care enough or to stay enough despite waves and flashfloods and landslides coming. I wish someone does not give up on me or what I could offer. I wish someone did not decide to leave just because she couldn't handle things. Despite me being unable to extend my gratitude well, I absolutely have high respect for people I have in my life. Because they decided to stay. Not managed, decided. Because being with someone who has a mental illness, it is a decision. That when the going gets tough, they stay. They try.

But that one person I wished wouldn't, just did. And we did officially part ways yesterday. And I barely slept well last night. I was eager to run and cry it out early this morning, but I ended up finishing a series which I don't know is safe for my sanity, but I guess was what I just needed to see and hear. That despite her leaving me, I am not alone in this fight. This fight with this illness I have, I am not alone. To be honest, its hard to remind myself that, because I just lost someone dear to me. But I understand I just have to live with it. I feel so lost and alone now, but I am trying to think that it will get better. That there's hope even if I feel that I could not survive this anymore.

She was the only person I had been running to these past two years, and now that she is gone, I do not know anymore. I can't talk about it because I feel there's nothing anymore to talk about. But I hope one day I wake up and the pain stops. The pain goes away or somehow is more manageable than it is now. But for now, let me wallow in my pain and sorrow. Over the next few days, weeks and months, let me wallow in self pity and anger and all, until I come to terms with myself. Just give me more time.

For now, just let me be.

PS I just saw the song attached to my blog. It's a bit sad hearing it now. But you still are my home. Sucks that I lost you in a snap.


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