So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).
So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.
Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy hour for an hour so by that time we were at Cable car, we were kind of drunk and sloppy already. But everyone let loose, got so drunk and I realized how I;m such a party girl and how much I love being drunk with people who are also like that but still looks out for one another. It was such a cray cray night. But I sincerely loved it. Was dancing the night away. Was crazy with friends, Saw lexi make out with at least 2 guys, and just you know party. Hard. Gone home with Menard since he lives in Maginhawa area, and then went home. Was home probably around 3am. And... I had theraoy at 9. My initial thought was: "Great. How will I e able to be sane and actually talk at 9 am? Moreso, will I be up by that time? Oh Marge. Fuck you and your prioroties." But guess what? I managed to actually be at therapy minutes early, and psyched myself despite being hung over.
Sorry, I know I had to actually be sane, so decided to order coffee at Starbucks and savor it so I can say something to my counselor and not pay for a dime which I wasted. So I was surprised I talked about my mom the whole hour. My therapy was at 9 by the way, so imagine how awesome it was to be there physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. But this time, I got sermons, I got learnings, I was there to understand the situations that are wrapped in my life. I still don't know how will I have solutions to my money problems, but I know that I am trying my best to figure things out bit by bit. I learned about being able to be selfish every now and then, and how I have felt being responsible for everything that's why I am probably trying to manipulate everything, do everything on my own, and be accountable for everything. I have to think more for myself, and just be accountable for me. I have to learn to not handle everything and be more carefree.
After that, I had to go to work. Bahaha. I had lunch and had my favorite Xiao Long Bao, lunch alone by the way. I wasn't feeling well so just had a few bites and left. I still liked my me time though. Was canvassing a phone since my phone was broken. Anyway, after that, went to work. Was there 1230, and felt I was too early until I realized that they had a reorientation at 1pm, so I wasn't really early for work. By this time, I was still feeling woozy, but I did try my best to be present, explained a couple of things as well, and it was indeed a very good day. By the time I was home, I really was ready to just fall asleep and just be there. And then I did. Slept for a good 8 hours before waking up. And slept another 2 hours. I was feeling kinda weird since my friend has been actually MIA during weekends, but to be honest, I'm starting not to care as much as I used to. He has probably been doing it for a month or so. So I'm kind of sanay. Plus, I should stop caring about it since he doesn't an obligation to tell me of his whereabouts.
So this morning, I also got a message from an odd number, which apparently was this guy I sort of dated/hung out with earlier this year. I knew it was him, but I hate how he plays mind games with me. I was very surprised that he sent this very old song about if it was easy to forget a person. HAHA. Oh the irony. Anyway, we chatted a bit and I was more surprised about how forthcoming I was by telling him that the only time he messages me would be:
1. He was bored.
2. He needed something.
3. If he has a problem and thought about sharing it with me.
4. He has this weird spotify song he would be sending me.
He was very surprised and told me I was feeling bad, but soon after, he actually apologized. Simultaneously, I was actually messaging mike and was also forthcoming about how I feel he needed me just for sex. And he was like I was fucking mean to him and shit. I'm like dude. That's what you talk about all the time and I fucking understand why, but what the hell. You know what I went through and you should know sex is a very sensitive topic to me. So he gets mad and doesn't reply. But what the fuck. Oh well. At least now everything is being being clearer day by day.
Lastly, my morning ended with me and my bestfriend actually talking about my therapy yesterday, and my learning and realizations. And I felt how happy and proud she was that I am trying to get through and be better. We talked about my mom, my sister, my half brother, and how my counselor says I'm so used to taking responsibility that I should stop doing all those things, and she agrees. She feels I should treat myself more with respect and love. And I became forthcoming with her when I started telling her how I felt about her hooking me up with the Singaporean guy, and she was, "Bessy, you should have been telling me all these things, you should be very open about all of these, not worry because whatever you say I will hear them out and listen." It was very comforting to hear that. I realized that she always has my back and that she has always look out for me. I realized that there are only 2 people I am very comfortable and could be myself with. My bestfriends: Kara and Marian. I am so thankful for having people like them in my life who would love me and care for me and would look out for me even though they are miles away. Also, we talked about the Singaporean guy and now I understand more why she wanted me to meet him and why she was hooking me up with him. She told me she hates it when there are people belittling me because she knows I am such a good person and that I deserve to be treated with respect and I should be loved and cared for genuinely. That's why she kind of hates or Ian annoys the shit out of her because his comment, Kara felt, was a clear indication of who he was as a person. She felt that Ian doesn't know me enough to actually know me as a person and it was too insensitive of him to say something like that. I told Kara I walked out on him when he said that and Kara was very surprised I did that. I told Kara I let it go, but she says I shouldn't have. I told her it also gave me a perspective about Ian, like hers, and that is the reason why I don't expound on my very private personal life with him, except the superficial ones or a couple of personal ones, but not in detail.
Sooooooo, she decided to give me an early present.. A ticket to see her! Hahaha. That is why I am elated. I don't know how to pull everything through, but she has been offering me this gift, so that we can spend time together, and she thinks I need this trip. Maybe it's the stars and the universe conspiring and listening to my heart's desires. I know I am trying to be thrifty and managing finances as much as possible, but I hope God makes this happen.
God has a reason for everything, but I know, even if I most of the time forget, that I don't have to know, I just need to believe and try my best to live my life in a way He wants me to be. Learn from my mistakes, accept, heal and move on.
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