I am sitting at a place that gives me quite a bit of inspiration. I found this place through friends and the buzz, and tonight, I have been working for an hour here already. Staying here just for one night lights up my mood today, given the circumstances I am in at the moment.
So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way.
Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well, smiling, cried as well today. I tried to share my feelings with someone whom I know would understand, a single mother with two kids. I'm pretty sure she can understand most of the feels I have. I did tell her not everything, I mean all these thoughts and feelings, but more or less I get the grasp or at least I did try to compartmentalize bit by bit my thoughts, and what I would like to feel or what my innermost thoughts are. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try to do what my therapist asked me to do, to actually try to figure things out, breathe, and give time for myself to figure things out. To assess everything, to really give time to myself, and to just let everything come into terms.
My psychiatrist mentioned that I should be very very careful, but this is the thing that I am deeply concerned about. Because I have been careless as hell, and of course, there are consequences. I am sincerely praying for something better, something good, and I am sincerely praying that God listened to my prayer last Sunday, though I know I do not deserve to ask for anything from Him. This time, I am putting all my guts and asking him these things, because I would like to try to keep myself sane and intact and put together into still familiar pieces. She has also mentioned to take things really slow, in everything. No boyfriend, of course. But also, not to the extent of walking away always, but she wants me to take in everything really slowly. Because of the mixed state, I am at risk with so many things. Yes, my swing has changed already, and not for the good. To be honest, I actually think I am Bipolar I, but, since I have never had hallucinations, that is why I am classified as Bipolar II. Anyway, the swing gives me so much worse than what I already have. I keep on feeling happy when my body says otherwise, or my body just wants to lock myself up, or my mind telling me blank thoughts when I have the physical ability to work my ass off in wee hours of the day. Or me having rapid thoughts, while the depression just wipes everything out. Imagine how irritating that is. Seriously. But at the moment, I think I feel a bit lighter for crying it out, for telling someone somehow my feelings, for telling someone how painful everything is. Because it is extremely painful.
How painful am I feeling at the moment?
I feel like my heart is breaking every single day, close to being powder already. Seeing my dad, remembering Nanay, thinking about my mom, my dad trying all these things to compensate for lost time, me having to try to have a relationship with half siblings who are reaching out, me, being a one man team for a month already, me somehow being pressured by people to date, me trying not give in every single time to the loneliness I feel and wishing I had that someone every now and then, me having all these appetite, yes I do call it appetite, for sex, and alcohol and yosi, and even drugs, me trying to lock myself in every chance I get or the opposite, wasting my life away by getting all drunk and cray cray, and probably I may add more to this list. I have been doing all these things to avoid all my feelings, because to be honest, it does fucking suck to be me at the moment, because you know, I am being forced to take all these things in with my shady thoughts and feelings. I do though, have to take everything in, one at a time, but my depression is making everything very slow to progress since my depression wipes everything out. Everything is just making my heart break. I think I've been trying to runaway and not talk about all of these because I feel like my heart is about to explode, while breaking, which is so contradicting on so many levels. Or idek. But right now, I just want my heart to stop breaking. Everyone has broken my heart, almost every one I felt close to me broke it already. So I feel like right now, I don't want to feel anything any further.
I don't know which is more painful. My dad reaching out, my mom who never did anything when I got raped, my rapist who is living a normal life, me trying to make things work in a lot of ways, me wasting my life away, or me having to live this complex life because everything that has happened contributed to where I am. I wish I can pin point which one is worse, or which one is more painful, so I know what to address first and probably figure out a way how. But this is the part I cannot rush. I am extremely impatient already, because I want to go figure everything out already and just let everything fall into place as I go along. But at this moment, I need to be effin patient. I need to actually take things really slow, I need to assess everything one by one, and address them as well. But everything is already so much to bear and I can't breathe anymore. I have a lot of anxiety attacks, especially during therapy, because everything is all bottled up. As much as I would love to express everything, to tell people my story, my thoughts and my feelings, I am really scared. Scared that the people I would make kwento with, the people who are extremely important to me at the moment, might leave, or I might push them away, or they may never accept me and flaws and all. This includes family, friends, possible partner/boyfriend, everyone whom I would want to talk to about things. These will just be very few people, of course, but still, they're like the few people I would like to trust with all these thoughts, feelings and secrets. But yeah, I figured if at least one of the few people sees this, they might be a little off and surprised with how incoherent this is, and how odd and twisted I am at the moment.
Okay, I've talked about the pains of whatever, and my sadness and whatever, I also know for a fact that I am manic. I am hypersexual (and yes, let us not get into details on how I effin deal with this because, JUST CAUSE), I want thrill, I can stay awake for two straight days with just coffee, I barely sleep sometimes, even with that dosage of meds, I drink, I smoke when I drink, I go out a lot, I stay out a lot, I stay up a lot for so many reasons, and seriously, not even one thing I mentioned there is allowed. I do not know how to control it, hence my undying irritability with everything. But after therapy last Saturday, and now my sorta dilemma which I am extremely praying for, actually a couple of dilemmas, I realize I need to slow down, I really need control, I need also to remove toxic things and people in my life. I really need to find people who will stick with me, who will remind me of my worth, and that I deserve so much better despite that tiny thing which I call nowadays my value, my worth. I feel very little of myself nowadays, one of the reasons to with all these choices. To just waste everything away, because I feel like there's nothing to lose anymore because I have to live with the bad experience every single day. I would like to try to live my life as normal as possible though, that's why I decided to go to therapy, but sometimes, it feels really hopeless.
Anyway, I am trying. It looks like I am not, but I am really really trying to make things work, to pull things through, to actually try and see if a thing or two can work. But right now, things seem to be a little rough for me. I can't seem to stop from all the hyperactivity, at the same time, I am feeling extremely low and sad. I was recommended for admission already. I am quite out of control, plus my attacks have been quite persistent, both panic and anxiety.. I also have been under a lot of extreme stress and yet I have never or barely said a word as to how extreme everything is. But, I insisted on pushing through here in North Luzon, because I need to breathe fresh air, literally, and also, I need to have time without a lot of people around me. I need to reassess everything, even the reason why I wanted my job badly, because I have started to really lack interest and have been thinking of taking time off and quitting my job which I really enjoy. Today, through fieldwork, I was reminded of why I liked this job, why this job, despite little pay, made me a better person, made me go into therapy, because there might be people experiencing worse than me. I know I am in a really bad shape at the moment, but I also would like to think that everything happens for a reason. Despite most days nowadays that I think there is no hope, there is tonight that I am trying to hold on to whatever little faith I have, to whatever words a few people has mentioned, to that little hope I have in my heart at the moment. I will try to find more "me" time while I'm here, but I really hope that this trip does me good.
So I have been pretty jittery abut the thought that I might be plus one, but I don't think God will allow it at this point in my life that everything is just too shady and sketchy. Anyway, it's 9:48PM, I got here around 830pm, really tired from visiting 22 households. I really tried to smile and put on a brave face, but I know there were instances my loneliness and sadness are evident. I know life has been quite shitty these days, but I try to find comfort in myself and the thought that maybe I still can do it, even if currently, almost everything is just not going my way.
Today was quite okay, compared to the past weeks. Apart from my jitters about the thing, I am feeling quite okay. Breathing well, smiling, cried as well today. I tried to share my feelings with someone whom I know would understand, a single mother with two kids. I'm pretty sure she can understand most of the feels I have. I did tell her not everything, I mean all these thoughts and feelings, but more or less I get the grasp or at least I did try to compartmentalize bit by bit my thoughts, and what I would like to feel or what my innermost thoughts are. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try to do what my therapist asked me to do, to actually try to figure things out, breathe, and give time for myself to figure things out. To assess everything, to really give time to myself, and to just let everything come into terms.
My psychiatrist mentioned that I should be very very careful, but this is the thing that I am deeply concerned about. Because I have been careless as hell, and of course, there are consequences. I am sincerely praying for something better, something good, and I am sincerely praying that God listened to my prayer last Sunday, though I know I do not deserve to ask for anything from Him. This time, I am putting all my guts and asking him these things, because I would like to try to keep myself sane and intact and put together into still familiar pieces. She has also mentioned to take things really slow, in everything. No boyfriend, of course. But also, not to the extent of walking away always, but she wants me to take in everything really slowly. Because of the mixed state, I am at risk with so many things. Yes, my swing has changed already, and not for the good. To be honest, I actually think I am Bipolar I, but, since I have never had hallucinations, that is why I am classified as Bipolar II. Anyway, the swing gives me so much worse than what I already have. I keep on feeling happy when my body says otherwise, or my body just wants to lock myself up, or my mind telling me blank thoughts when I have the physical ability to work my ass off in wee hours of the day. Or me having rapid thoughts, while the depression just wipes everything out. Imagine how irritating that is. Seriously. But at the moment, I think I feel a bit lighter for crying it out, for telling someone somehow my feelings, for telling someone how painful everything is. Because it is extremely painful.
How painful am I feeling at the moment?
I feel like my heart is breaking every single day, close to being powder already. Seeing my dad, remembering Nanay, thinking about my mom, my dad trying all these things to compensate for lost time, me having to try to have a relationship with half siblings who are reaching out, me, being a one man team for a month already, me somehow being pressured by people to date, me trying not give in every single time to the loneliness I feel and wishing I had that someone every now and then, me having all these appetite, yes I do call it appetite, for sex, and alcohol and yosi, and even drugs, me trying to lock myself in every chance I get or the opposite, wasting my life away by getting all drunk and cray cray, and probably I may add more to this list. I have been doing all these things to avoid all my feelings, because to be honest, it does fucking suck to be me at the moment, because you know, I am being forced to take all these things in with my shady thoughts and feelings. I do though, have to take everything in, one at a time, but my depression is making everything very slow to progress since my depression wipes everything out. Everything is just making my heart break. I think I've been trying to runaway and not talk about all of these because I feel like my heart is about to explode, while breaking, which is so contradicting on so many levels. Or idek. But right now, I just want my heart to stop breaking. Everyone has broken my heart, almost every one I felt close to me broke it already. So I feel like right now, I don't want to feel anything any further.
I don't know which is more painful. My dad reaching out, my mom who never did anything when I got raped, my rapist who is living a normal life, me trying to make things work in a lot of ways, me wasting my life away, or me having to live this complex life because everything that has happened contributed to where I am. I wish I can pin point which one is worse, or which one is more painful, so I know what to address first and probably figure out a way how. But this is the part I cannot rush. I am extremely impatient already, because I want to go figure everything out already and just let everything fall into place as I go along. But at this moment, I need to be effin patient. I need to actually take things really slow, I need to assess everything one by one, and address them as well. But everything is already so much to bear and I can't breathe anymore. I have a lot of anxiety attacks, especially during therapy, because everything is all bottled up. As much as I would love to express everything, to tell people my story, my thoughts and my feelings, I am really scared. Scared that the people I would make kwento with, the people who are extremely important to me at the moment, might leave, or I might push them away, or they may never accept me and flaws and all. This includes family, friends, possible partner/boyfriend, everyone whom I would want to talk to about things. These will just be very few people, of course, but still, they're like the few people I would like to trust with all these thoughts, feelings and secrets. But yeah, I figured if at least one of the few people sees this, they might be a little off and surprised with how incoherent this is, and how odd and twisted I am at the moment.
Okay, I've talked about the pains of whatever, and my sadness and whatever, I also know for a fact that I am manic. I am hypersexual (and yes, let us not get into details on how I effin deal with this because, JUST CAUSE), I want thrill, I can stay awake for two straight days with just coffee, I barely sleep sometimes, even with that dosage of meds, I drink, I smoke when I drink, I go out a lot, I stay out a lot, I stay up a lot for so many reasons, and seriously, not even one thing I mentioned there is allowed. I do not know how to control it, hence my undying irritability with everything. But after therapy last Saturday, and now my sorta dilemma which I am extremely praying for, actually a couple of dilemmas, I realize I need to slow down, I really need control, I need also to remove toxic things and people in my life. I really need to find people who will stick with me, who will remind me of my worth, and that I deserve so much better despite that tiny thing which I call nowadays my value, my worth. I feel very little of myself nowadays, one of the reasons to with all these choices. To just waste everything away, because I feel like there's nothing to lose anymore because I have to live with the bad experience every single day. I would like to try to live my life as normal as possible though, that's why I decided to go to therapy, but sometimes, it feels really hopeless.
Anyway, I am trying. It looks like I am not, but I am really really trying to make things work, to pull things through, to actually try and see if a thing or two can work. But right now, things seem to be a little rough for me. I can't seem to stop from all the hyperactivity, at the same time, I am feeling extremely low and sad. I was recommended for admission already. I am quite out of control, plus my attacks have been quite persistent, both panic and anxiety.. I also have been under a lot of extreme stress and yet I have never or barely said a word as to how extreme everything is. But, I insisted on pushing through here in North Luzon, because I need to breathe fresh air, literally, and also, I need to have time without a lot of people around me. I need to reassess everything, even the reason why I wanted my job badly, because I have started to really lack interest and have been thinking of taking time off and quitting my job which I really enjoy. Today, through fieldwork, I was reminded of why I liked this job, why this job, despite little pay, made me a better person, made me go into therapy, because there might be people experiencing worse than me. I know I am in a really bad shape at the moment, but I also would like to think that everything happens for a reason. Despite most days nowadays that I think there is no hope, there is tonight that I am trying to hold on to whatever little faith I have, to whatever words a few people has mentioned, to that little hope I have in my heart at the moment. I will try to find more "me" time while I'm here, but I really hope that this trip does me good.
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