I realized over the past few days that I get glimpses and flashbacks and nightmares of my exes every now and then. That is why I thought of actually making this post. Maybe by posting this. I can somehow release a lot of things I never actually said or did. Or maybe I did but forgot I did.
This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.
To my grade school crush/bestfriend, you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us graduate and we never cared. Thank you because it was a good memory I always keep.
To my high school crush, the one I have always liked in class. Thank you for being my friend. I always knew you liked your katukayo. But I never cared. Haha. But high school was fun because we were friends, we were even in the same barkada. Your crazy antics back in high school made me attracted to you. I do wish you a happily ever after with your husband.
To B/C, both of you were good motivations in high school. I get giddy when I see you. To C, I am happy I was your friend back then even though I had the biggest crush on you. I am not sure if you found out, but yeah. I admired you because you're smart and funny. B, you were my cousin's ex. And it was a good memory for her, and me too. Haha. Oh high school days.
To my first official boyfriend/one week boyfriend, how dare you leave me after one week when I said yes to you. I was very hesitant having a boyfriend because I wasn't allowed to have one. And you were good friends with my YFC friends, but I did say yes because I thought you were cool. But apparently, you're an ass. Now, you even ask favors from me which I am very surprised because it feels like you never remembered what you did to me. Sorry, won't do you any favors. Also, please do not act like we are friends now. Because we are not. We used to be, but now it isn't the case.
To my first real love (I can say this because it lasted for a long time, like a really long time, YOU KNOW THIS), I owe you a lot of my impressions on love and relationships. I never thought I would date you, but when we were together, I have actually thought that we will be together for a very long time. I know, my mom didn't like you for me, and we were too young back then. But I have always regarded highly of you until now. You know this already, but it saddened me for us to have ended that way, and made each other believe we never meant much to each other after we broke up. But to me, you have always been a real love, a love I am proud to say I had at 13. Even when we reconnected years after, there was still a spark, even though you actually ranted about your ex who left you for my ex. (This is sincerely a funny story I would like to tell my kids if I would have them.) You always do know there's a spark, but we never acted on it that time we felt we were getting to close again, because you already had trust issues and LDR was hard back then, not much technology unlike now. I barely hear from you nowadays, and I do hope you're okay. I never had bad blood for you, because you have always been the honest, sincere, gentleman I knew back then. My blog username, and my forever username will always remind me of you. Good times. I wish you the best in school and in your lovelife. Cheers!
To the girl I dated for two weeks. I am sorry I hurt you. I knew you were a rebound, but I was been fond of you back then. I am sorry I never reciprocated the same way you did, but thank for always looking out for me back then. I still could not forget the time I got mad because you opened my letter. Ha!
To the girl whom I always write letters to when I was in 4th year and you were a freshman, what's up? Haha.
To the only girl I ever courted. As much as now it weirds me out that I did, I am glad we are very good friends. I used to teach you math back then, and you had a huge gigantic crush on one or two teachers in senior year. Hahaha. Memories, memories we keep coming back to because now we can laugh about it and say.. "grabe ano ba yan ginawa ko ba yan?" Hahaha. Having lunch with you and our other friend the other day reminded me of good things and good things alone. You will always be part of my high school memories. :)
To the longest boyfriend I have had, my dearest yogi bear/elmo, to be honest I don't think I should write something for you here. I kid. But really. Wow. From Senior year in HS to 3rd year college. You are the reason why my mom allowed me to date. You courted me at home, picked me up from school, asked for my mom's permission to go out on dates, until I decided to say yes to you in a very odd way, after a fight. I have learned so much from the three year relationship we had. We had our ups, and our downs. I never thought it would get to that point that we had to hurt each other physically.. the humiliation I did get from you doing it in front of your family. I would never forget the pain it left in my heart. I knew you changed for the worse back then, and to be honest so did I. I became a worse version of myself because we could't settle all out issues, jealousy has always been one of them, and the ego and the dominance we wanted to have in the relationship. Don't get me wrong. I knew I really loved you because I did consider spending my eternity with you, though back then I never realized that I was still stained by the pain you have given me, both physically and emotionally. I thank you for sharing your life with me, being proud of me, taking care of me, siding with me all the time, and even considering marrying me as well. Thank you for sticking with me even though you knew you were waiting for nothing. I realized that the reason I never gotten back with you officially was because I didn't want to go back to the way things were, plus I knew I was the girl you will never like for who I am now. My dominance in my life is much stronger and I do think that it will come to a point again that physical pain might be necessary to show dominance in our relationship in case we did go back together. I have always loved you, and maybe I always will, but I chose the high road for us, yes, I know I did choose for us because if it were you, you would have chosen a different one. But I am glad that my choice did us both good. You once told me you don't like what you see right now, because I am rigid, I am cruel and mean, and I don't have a very affectionate bone in my body, plus the fact I don't trust people anymore.
I would like you to know that I never blamed you for what happened to me ever. Though I do know now that you are part of where I am now, I never did think us deciding to go separate ways was a reason for that to happen to me. I never deserved what happened to me, and I do think, which I knew you told me, that if you knew that it would happen to me, you would have never left and changed and you would just have stayed by my side. Trusting is one of our good qualities back then, because we were in an organization that trust, faith and understanding were the main principles we live in. I am sorry I never told you everything. I am sorry I didn't become completely honest with you over the last few years, because I felt you didn't have to know. I now know we were never meant for forever, but it was okay. It is okay. We are where we should be. I wish you all the best in the new chapter of your life, getting married and being with your forever. You are always in my prayers.
To the 2 month boyfriend, but a lost love I have had.. I don't really know what to say. Our story was something I never expected, but I learned how patient and understanding love is because of you. Though now, I know I don't believe in it and happily ever after, back then, I learned things because of you. I am sorry about what happened, and I never meant to hurt you if I did. I wish you could have fought for me more since I had the blessing of your parents back then, and people thought we would end up together. You were really weak back then, but I do hope that now you found the strength to live life without being overshadowed by the pain caused by other people (though I am currently living that way now, in a different angle). I wish you're doing well wherever you are and if I see you around, I will have a smile on my face as I recall how loving and patient and kind you are not just to me but to everyone. I hope you stayed that way. I never went back to you after you asked me a couple of years after because it was so wrong on so many levels and that I know that I needed to make sure I really wanted to, and not because I just missed us.
I am not sure if I should write something to you. But here it goes. I never thought that you would do what you have done to me. Whatever it is that I did, I know, I cheated on you. Broke up with you because you were a lowlife person who just leeches off people back then, and never really wanted to go far. Yes. I am mad. I am very angry and I hate you for doing that to me. You changed my life in a way I never thought it would, my life was turned 180. I am now a very different person, full of fear, hatred and pain. I know now that it wasn't just you who contributed to what I am going through right now. But, I know for a fact that you were the deal breaker for everything. I am now scared to trust, to commit, even to like, and love. I am scared to put down my walls and I am scared to live my life to the fullest. I could not even say yes to anyone. You ruined my chances of happily ever after. I never thought we will be together forever. That's the truth. I never loved you like I loved my 1st love and my longest boyfriend because I saw you for who you are when I decided to date you. For the record, I never cheated on you with a girl. We decided to go separate ways when I agreed to date her. You could just not accept that I date girls and the next person I dated was a girl. I kept everything you did to me because I was scared to tell my mom the wrong things I did, because I was scared that I or you would hurt them, my family. But I did anyway, because I had to go through the pain alone for a year. I did experience physical and emotional pain, more than what my longest boyfriend did. I would probably move on from this, and I am seeking help, but I will never forget what you did to me. NEVER. I will always see you for what you did to me and my family. Di ka pa nakuntento. Pati pamilya ko, hayop ka. Hayop ka talaga. Alam mo ba kung gaano kalaking tiwala ang binigay nila sayo? Kung ano ang sakripisyong kinailangan para mabuo ang pangarap na yun, pero anong ginawa mo? Ano ang nasayang ng pamilya ko dahil nagtiwala sila sayo, oras, pera, panahon, tiwala. Napakawalang kwenta mong hayop ka. Di ka na nadala na may ginawa ka sakin, sinaktan mo pa din pamilya ko, dahil di matanggap ng bayag mo na harapin ako araw araw ng wala ka nadidinig sakin. Punyemas ka. Nakita ko facebook mo, pero takot pa din ako. Hanggang ngayon. I know that wala ka na magagawa, di ka makakalapit kasi pinablotter ka namin. Pero, still, I can't believe you can live with yourself everyday. Does your wife/girlfriend even know you sexually abused me? Because if she does, how brazen of her to trust you with her life. If not, karma's a bitch, asshole. May araw ka din, lintik ka. I may have done nothing to put you in jail, but I am sure in time, you will ask me and my family for forgiveness. I can't wait for that day. Because I know that if I decide to completely move on from everything, it will only be you who is left in the dark, guilty for all the shit you did to me and my family. You were wrong in saying that no one will accept me, and no one will love me. And no, I didn't enjoy anything that we did. Nakakadiri ka. Nakakadiri na naassociate ako sayo. You will never be able to bring back what you took from me, and maybe no one will. And you will forever be the cause of it. I still pray for you though, that one day, tamaan ka ng kidlat and marealize mo lahat ng ginawa mo.
To the girl I dated for a year. I hope you're doing well. I realized after that it wasn't really love love as it is, it was more of companionship and the giddiness and excitement dating you were. Because it was me who liked you first and it was a challenge for me to have you. I am sorry for everything. But thank you for everything as well.
To my crush of three or four years. You have been such a good inspiration to me so thank you. For being my crush and a friend. Though we barely talk, it has always been fun hanging out with you and chatting every now and then. I wish you well always and I hope what you and your girlfriend have is forever. :) Both of you are good people and deserve to be happy and deserve each other.
To the longest girl I have dated, three and a half years.. wow. I never thought it would have gotten that far. I never thought that I would be with you, even in a long distance relationship. Thank you for the trust you have given me, for pampering me, for taking care of me even if your thousands of miles away, you never failed to show me you loved me. Thank you for waiting and for being very patient with me even though I hated myself and even though you knew my heart wasn't completely yours back then. Even though I was at my worst, even though I was in a very bad place when you met me, you still loved and cared for me in a way I don't think no one would ever would. My 23rd birthday is so far the best birthday so far, because you flew 7000+ miles away to be with me on my special day. I am not sure what were my feelings for you, I think it was love, or infatuation in a different level. I do think I loved you, but not as much, or maybe I did, but now, I can smile and say that I can probably live life without us being together. We all had our ups and downs. I could never forget your trip here, as we watch the sunrise and sunset together, as you went into my world and experienced it. I knew when you went back that us would be very different, but I didn't realize that it started back then that everything slipped away. We have always wanted us together, and even thought of getting married and me moving, but, it never happened, because I wasn't ready. For the record, you have always been my safe place, my sanctuary, my security and I feel that when I need those, I will always, always, come crawling back to you because you never hurt me physically.. but I will always be scared of you scarring my heart again. You broke my heart into pieces, shattered and stepped on, and left without a word. I never really understood back then when you left, but after our talk last January, I decided to let everything go and let God take the pain of losing you. I don't think I have gotten over the pain, because I am still scared, but, I want you to know that it takes two to tango and that it was never solely my fault, what happened to us. It would always be you and me. I am sorry I cheated on you, but it wasn't because you were not good enough, but it was because I am twisted and that I did that probably because of lust and that mind thing I have of just.. idk. I will still figure everything out in time why I did what I did. Anyway, know that you will always, always have a special place in my heart. Never forget what we have reminds me of a safe place I never had. That thinking of you takes me to a place safe and sound and hoped that it was where I could be.
To that person, yes, I am including you here. Because I do like you. There is an attraction, well maybe it used to be for you, but idk. Because Idk where we are at this point. Thank you. Thank you for taking me to a place I never thought I would be - THERAPY. What happened to us that day we met pushed me to my limit. You actually made me think that I can sleep around. You actually made me think that I can be what guys like you used to do, play around and sleep around. I am not sure in what stage of your life you are now, because I don't want to ask and never thought of asking, but, I do hope that somewhere along the road of meeting me, I did do something good to you. I hope that I did make even a very small impact in your life. Because you definitely did. And actually still do. I will never forget what has happened, because it taught me so much. You made me realize (of course with the words of my bestfriends too) that I need to face everything already, and that I cannot be forever overshadowed by things in my past. I know it can take a long grueling journey to get there, but I am happy I did try to do step 1. And I actually did Step 1. I am sorry that I am still scared of you in a way, because I still think you are a stranger despite all the stories we have shared, and despite what I have shared with you. You are getting too close to me and I am still trying to put up more walls and I am scared I might like you the way I used to like or even love someone. I know I am not ready for anything nor I want it, so I am trying my best to stay away from feeling it, in any way possible. I on the other hand, have never tried to go that close to you so I beg to disagree that I am getting too close to you. I don't know if my honesty became a dealbreaker for us to not be talking, but if it is, I still have no regrets because I won't have what if about you.. and because first and foremost I conquered my norm of keeping everything in and just staying as is. I need a lot of honesty and decency in my life and I guess telling or sending those to you is a huge step to my recovery. I think you are a male counterpart of my bestfriend, Kara, and that I also think that if it was in a different way, different world, I would probably keep you close to me as a friend or idk. I can't say for sure. But thank you. For everything. Whatever life takes you, I wish you well. I don't know what God has in store for you or me, but I do hope we do find our happy place. Maybe together, maybe not. It doesn't matter, as long as we get there to the happy place you and I wished for, whatever that is.
I know I may have missed a few people here. I may have forgotten, or decided not to include you here because maybe I don't have anything to say, or maybe because I am not sure. Anyway. It feels nice to type this out. I just hope I don't regret this.
This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.
To my grade school crush/bestfriend, you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us graduate and we never cared. Thank you because it was a good memory I always keep.
To my high school crush, the one I have always liked in class. Thank you for being my friend. I always knew you liked your katukayo. But I never cared. Haha. But high school was fun because we were friends, we were even in the same barkada. Your crazy antics back in high school made me attracted to you. I do wish you a happily ever after with your husband.
To B/C, both of you were good motivations in high school. I get giddy when I see you. To C, I am happy I was your friend back then even though I had the biggest crush on you. I am not sure if you found out, but yeah. I admired you because you're smart and funny. B, you were my cousin's ex. And it was a good memory for her, and me too. Haha. Oh high school days.
To my first official boyfriend/one week boyfriend, how dare you leave me after one week when I said yes to you. I was very hesitant having a boyfriend because I wasn't allowed to have one. And you were good friends with my YFC friends, but I did say yes because I thought you were cool. But apparently, you're an ass. Now, you even ask favors from me which I am very surprised because it feels like you never remembered what you did to me. Sorry, won't do you any favors. Also, please do not act like we are friends now. Because we are not. We used to be, but now it isn't the case.
To my first real love (I can say this because it lasted for a long time, like a really long time, YOU KNOW THIS), I owe you a lot of my impressions on love and relationships. I never thought I would date you, but when we were together, I have actually thought that we will be together for a very long time. I know, my mom didn't like you for me, and we were too young back then. But I have always regarded highly of you until now. You know this already, but it saddened me for us to have ended that way, and made each other believe we never meant much to each other after we broke up. But to me, you have always been a real love, a love I am proud to say I had at 13. Even when we reconnected years after, there was still a spark, even though you actually ranted about your ex who left you for my ex. (This is sincerely a funny story I would like to tell my kids if I would have them.) You always do know there's a spark, but we never acted on it that time we felt we were getting to close again, because you already had trust issues and LDR was hard back then, not much technology unlike now. I barely hear from you nowadays, and I do hope you're okay. I never had bad blood for you, because you have always been the honest, sincere, gentleman I knew back then. My blog username, and my forever username will always remind me of you. Good times. I wish you the best in school and in your lovelife. Cheers!
To the girl I dated for two weeks. I am sorry I hurt you. I knew you were a rebound, but I was been fond of you back then. I am sorry I never reciprocated the same way you did, but thank for always looking out for me back then. I still could not forget the time I got mad because you opened my letter. Ha!
To the girl whom I always write letters to when I was in 4th year and you were a freshman, what's up? Haha.
To the only girl I ever courted. As much as now it weirds me out that I did, I am glad we are very good friends. I used to teach you math back then, and you had a huge gigantic crush on one or two teachers in senior year. Hahaha. Memories, memories we keep coming back to because now we can laugh about it and say.. "grabe ano ba yan ginawa ko ba yan?" Hahaha. Having lunch with you and our other friend the other day reminded me of good things and good things alone. You will always be part of my high school memories. :)
To the longest boyfriend I have had, my dearest yogi bear/elmo, to be honest I don't think I should write something for you here. I kid. But really. Wow. From Senior year in HS to 3rd year college. You are the reason why my mom allowed me to date. You courted me at home, picked me up from school, asked for my mom's permission to go out on dates, until I decided to say yes to you in a very odd way, after a fight. I have learned so much from the three year relationship we had. We had our ups, and our downs. I never thought it would get to that point that we had to hurt each other physically.. the humiliation I did get from you doing it in front of your family. I would never forget the pain it left in my heart. I knew you changed for the worse back then, and to be honest so did I. I became a worse version of myself because we could't settle all out issues, jealousy has always been one of them, and the ego and the dominance we wanted to have in the relationship. Don't get me wrong. I knew I really loved you because I did consider spending my eternity with you, though back then I never realized that I was still stained by the pain you have given me, both physically and emotionally. I thank you for sharing your life with me, being proud of me, taking care of me, siding with me all the time, and even considering marrying me as well. Thank you for sticking with me even though you knew you were waiting for nothing. I realized that the reason I never gotten back with you officially was because I didn't want to go back to the way things were, plus I knew I was the girl you will never like for who I am now. My dominance in my life is much stronger and I do think that it will come to a point again that physical pain might be necessary to show dominance in our relationship in case we did go back together. I have always loved you, and maybe I always will, but I chose the high road for us, yes, I know I did choose for us because if it were you, you would have chosen a different one. But I am glad that my choice did us both good. You once told me you don't like what you see right now, because I am rigid, I am cruel and mean, and I don't have a very affectionate bone in my body, plus the fact I don't trust people anymore.
I would like you to know that I never blamed you for what happened to me ever. Though I do know now that you are part of where I am now, I never did think us deciding to go separate ways was a reason for that to happen to me. I never deserved what happened to me, and I do think, which I knew you told me, that if you knew that it would happen to me, you would have never left and changed and you would just have stayed by my side. Trusting is one of our good qualities back then, because we were in an organization that trust, faith and understanding were the main principles we live in. I am sorry I never told you everything. I am sorry I didn't become completely honest with you over the last few years, because I felt you didn't have to know. I now know we were never meant for forever, but it was okay. It is okay. We are where we should be. I wish you all the best in the new chapter of your life, getting married and being with your forever. You are always in my prayers.
To the 2 month boyfriend, but a lost love I have had.. I don't really know what to say. Our story was something I never expected, but I learned how patient and understanding love is because of you. Though now, I know I don't believe in it and happily ever after, back then, I learned things because of you. I am sorry about what happened, and I never meant to hurt you if I did. I wish you could have fought for me more since I had the blessing of your parents back then, and people thought we would end up together. You were really weak back then, but I do hope that now you found the strength to live life without being overshadowed by the pain caused by other people (though I am currently living that way now, in a different angle). I wish you're doing well wherever you are and if I see you around, I will have a smile on my face as I recall how loving and patient and kind you are not just to me but to everyone. I hope you stayed that way. I never went back to you after you asked me a couple of years after because it was so wrong on so many levels and that I know that I needed to make sure I really wanted to, and not because I just missed us.
To the girl I dated for a year. I hope you're doing well. I realized after that it wasn't really love love as it is, it was more of companionship and the giddiness and excitement dating you were. Because it was me who liked you first and it was a challenge for me to have you. I am sorry for everything. But thank you for everything as well.
To my crush of three or four years. You have been such a good inspiration to me so thank you. For being my crush and a friend. Though we barely talk, it has always been fun hanging out with you and chatting every now and then. I wish you well always and I hope what you and your girlfriend have is forever. :) Both of you are good people and deserve to be happy and deserve each other.
To the longest girl I have dated, three and a half years.. wow. I never thought it would have gotten that far. I never thought that I would be with you, even in a long distance relationship. Thank you for the trust you have given me, for pampering me, for taking care of me even if your thousands of miles away, you never failed to show me you loved me. Thank you for waiting and for being very patient with me even though I hated myself and even though you knew my heart wasn't completely yours back then. Even though I was at my worst, even though I was in a very bad place when you met me, you still loved and cared for me in a way I don't think no one would ever would. My 23rd birthday is so far the best birthday so far, because you flew 7000+ miles away to be with me on my special day. I am not sure what were my feelings for you, I think it was love, or infatuation in a different level. I do think I loved you, but not as much, or maybe I did, but now, I can smile and say that I can probably live life without us being together. We all had our ups and downs. I could never forget your trip here, as we watch the sunrise and sunset together, as you went into my world and experienced it. I knew when you went back that us would be very different, but I didn't realize that it started back then that everything slipped away. We have always wanted us together, and even thought of getting married and me moving, but, it never happened, because I wasn't ready. For the record, you have always been my safe place, my sanctuary, my security and I feel that when I need those, I will always, always, come crawling back to you because you never hurt me physically.. but I will always be scared of you scarring my heart again. You broke my heart into pieces, shattered and stepped on, and left without a word. I never really understood back then when you left, but after our talk last January, I decided to let everything go and let God take the pain of losing you. I don't think I have gotten over the pain, because I am still scared, but, I want you to know that it takes two to tango and that it was never solely my fault, what happened to us. It would always be you and me. I am sorry I cheated on you, but it wasn't because you were not good enough, but it was because I am twisted and that I did that probably because of lust and that mind thing I have of just.. idk. I will still figure everything out in time why I did what I did. Anyway, know that you will always, always have a special place in my heart. Never forget what we have reminds me of a safe place I never had. That thinking of you takes me to a place safe and sound and hoped that it was where I could be.
To that person, yes, I am including you here. Because I do like you. There is an attraction, well maybe it used to be for you, but idk. Because Idk where we are at this point. Thank you. Thank you for taking me to a place I never thought I would be - THERAPY. What happened to us that day we met pushed me to my limit. You actually made me think that I can sleep around. You actually made me think that I can be what guys like you used to do, play around and sleep around. I am not sure in what stage of your life you are now, because I don't want to ask and never thought of asking, but, I do hope that somewhere along the road of meeting me, I did do something good to you. I hope that I did make even a very small impact in your life. Because you definitely did. And actually still do. I will never forget what has happened, because it taught me so much. You made me realize (of course with the words of my bestfriends too) that I need to face everything already, and that I cannot be forever overshadowed by things in my past. I know it can take a long grueling journey to get there, but I am happy I did try to do step 1. And I actually did Step 1. I am sorry that I am still scared of you in a way, because I still think you are a stranger despite all the stories we have shared, and despite what I have shared with you. You are getting too close to me and I am still trying to put up more walls and I am scared I might like you the way I used to like or even love someone. I know I am not ready for anything nor I want it, so I am trying my best to stay away from feeling it, in any way possible. I on the other hand, have never tried to go that close to you so I beg to disagree that I am getting too close to you. I don't know if my honesty became a dealbreaker for us to not be talking, but if it is, I still have no regrets because I won't have what if about you.. and because first and foremost I conquered my norm of keeping everything in and just staying as is. I need a lot of honesty and decency in my life and I guess telling or sending those to you is a huge step to my recovery. I think you are a male counterpart of my bestfriend, Kara, and that I also think that if it was in a different way, different world, I would probably keep you close to me as a friend or idk. I can't say for sure. But thank you. For everything. Whatever life takes you, I wish you well. I don't know what God has in store for you or me, but I do hope we do find our happy place. Maybe together, maybe not. It doesn't matter, as long as we get there to the happy place you and I wished for, whatever that is.
I know I may have missed a few people here. I may have forgotten, or decided not to include you here because maybe I don't have anything to say, or maybe because I am not sure. Anyway. It feels nice to type this out. I just hope I don't regret this.
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