The past month has been nothing but smooth sailing. I have been drugged for a month (yeah, like really. lol), and I think it works somehow. Over the past week and a half, I do have so many feelings, and maybe, possibly sinking into a different episode. Anyway, I am trying to deal with everything as much as possible, but I am very close to falling into a trap I cannot probably get out of at the moment.
So over the past few days, a few things happened I am not open to divulge in this post, but probably has seen by very few people that follow me on twitter. One other thing happened today which I haven't told anyone. But I did share a bit to someone over whatsapp. Been in a state of gloominess, except for last night, when I saw a friend happy and in love. Do not get me wrong. I still am very firm about my stand on happily ever afters, but, if people find it, I am very open to it and happy for them too. Seeing that coworker last night, I forgot my blues at once and smiled and laughed with him and another coworker as he shares his stories about him and his significant one in his life. He found someone who accepts him for who he is, and doesn't have to pretend. He told me this himself a couple of days prior. He wasn't looking for it, and she came.
"By The Grace Of God"
Anyway, last night, I found this Katy Perry song, which was about her divorce. Since I think I am in an episode, I have been listening to heartbreak sappy sad songs or rock heartbreak songs, so I was drawn to listen to this. I am very surprised that I ended up crying while in the shower. I was crying hard and was talking to myself, Was trying to be silent every now and then, trying to think that God was talking to me while I was wallowing in crying. I guess he did in a way, because I felt relieved that I cried and realized I am not okay about a lot of things in my life right now. The song was how I actually depicted myself months ago when someone left. I was broken and shattered and I couldn't accept the break up. There were days I lock myself while sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. There were instances I skyped with my bestfriends and just cried my heart and eyeballs out. There were days I wished that God takes me away so the pain will stop. So far, I guess that would be the most heart wrenching break up I had. But the song also speaks to me on how everything that has coiled up in my life led me to depression and eventually thoughts of suicide.
Over the past week, I have been lied to, but I have regained a friend, I lost one person, but got back one. I also am pretending to know nothing about lying and to just stay as normal as possible. Because I don't want to be on the losing end, and realize that everything I think and feel changed, because I know the only thing I am hurt was or is the lying part and not anything else.
I know life will never be the same, and that I chose a different path from everyone else, but I also chose the high road for myself and for the people around me, even though it wasn't my choice to make. I chose to be the bigger person and walk away. I chose to be the better person and try to make the right decisions. I chose to try to live life as normal as possible even though I may be on medicines forever, but I also know that things may get better. That things may be as steady as it can be.
So over the past few days, a few things happened I am not open to divulge in this post, but probably has seen by very few people that follow me on twitter. One other thing happened today which I haven't told anyone. But I did share a bit to someone over whatsapp. Been in a state of gloominess, except for last night, when I saw a friend happy and in love. Do not get me wrong. I still am very firm about my stand on happily ever afters, but, if people find it, I am very open to it and happy for them too. Seeing that coworker last night, I forgot my blues at once and smiled and laughed with him and another coworker as he shares his stories about him and his significant one in his life. He found someone who accepts him for who he is, and doesn't have to pretend. He told me this himself a couple of days prior. He wasn't looking for it, and she came.
"By The Grace Of God"
Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,
No, that way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up
By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,
No, that way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up
By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way
Anyway, last night, I found this Katy Perry song, which was about her divorce. Since I think I am in an episode, I have been listening to heartbreak sappy sad songs or rock heartbreak songs, so I was drawn to listen to this. I am very surprised that I ended up crying while in the shower. I was crying hard and was talking to myself, Was trying to be silent every now and then, trying to think that God was talking to me while I was wallowing in crying. I guess he did in a way, because I felt relieved that I cried and realized I am not okay about a lot of things in my life right now. The song was how I actually depicted myself months ago when someone left. I was broken and shattered and I couldn't accept the break up. There were days I lock myself while sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. There were instances I skyped with my bestfriends and just cried my heart and eyeballs out. There were days I wished that God takes me away so the pain will stop. So far, I guess that would be the most heart wrenching break up I had. But the song also speaks to me on how everything that has coiled up in my life led me to depression and eventually thoughts of suicide.
Over the past week, I have been lied to, but I have regained a friend, I lost one person, but got back one. I also am pretending to know nothing about lying and to just stay as normal as possible. Because I don't want to be on the losing end, and realize that everything I think and feel changed, because I know the only thing I am hurt was or is the lying part and not anything else.
I know life will never be the same, and that I chose a different path from everyone else, but I also chose the high road for myself and for the people around me, even though it wasn't my choice to make. I chose to be the bigger person and walk away. I chose to be the better person and try to make the right decisions. I chose to try to live life as normal as possible even though I may be on medicines forever, but I also know that things may get better. That things may be as steady as it can be.
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