I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.
Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.
I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the time. Everything is catching up on me, and I am not sure how to handle things. I didn't say a word about how uncomfortable I am at home, about how seeing my ex in Singapore made me realize how much I gave up to do the right thing, not necessarily what I want. How I have been thinking or dreaming or having nightmares about that bad guy, what we had, what he did to me, and my family. I am haunted by him and been asking myself lately if I did deserve it. If I did something for it to happen to me. If it was a punishment for all the bad things I did in my life. But my therapist shot all those thoughts down and told me he was a sociopath.
For weeks I have been trying to ignore these thoughts, these voices I hear, the steps I hear when I'm alone, like someone's there to try to attack me or do something bad to me. I still get scared at times, but most of the time I say a short prayer. Scratch that. I say a short prayer all the time, but I still am scared most of the time. I guess it's hard to put your guard down when not everything is settled and is put to rest.
For months, I have been trying to figure out how to deal with our financial issues at home, and I am not sure if I can even do something about it. Also, being with my mom puts so much pressure on me in terms of just showing and saying what she wants to see and hear. I am having a hard time dealing with her and everything about my family at the moment. But I can't runaway from it. So yeah.
During therapy, all I did was cry and breakdown and talk about all my thoughts and feelings which I haven't mentioned to anyone at all. It was relieving because finally I did say it out loud, but after that it felt so painful, going through all of these things. There were a lot of observations made by my therapist, which I really wanted to know, and the patterns I have, and how we can address them one by one. She also talked about letting people in. Also about my desires, wants and needs that somewhere along the way needs to be fulfilled. She says she thinks I have been making the right judgement, but she thinks I need to work on my walls and learn how to put them down to key people in my life. They may surprise me, she said.We talked about what happened to me six years ago, details and all that. She says that I choose to steer away from that topic, maybe because it's too painful. But somewhere along the way, I have to talk about it.
My mind has been thinking about a lot of things since therapy ended. But for now, I'll let it brew in my head. Maybe things can make more sense.
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