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It's been a while, dear self.

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes.

Today started out okay.

Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore.

Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things. It's almost September, it has been one year since I lost the love of my life back then, and changed the dynamics of my life in a flash. It's been one year since I accepted life after her, since I thought forever was with her already. Things happen for a reason, and I believe I am somehow in a better place compared to where I was a year ago. A year ago, I never thought meeting any one else was possible. I never thought that there is life after Val, that I will survive all those crying days and nights, that my heart and mind will never heal, that life would stop right that moment.

I never thought I would decide to go for therapy, I would be officially diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. I always knew I was different, but I never thought I would have the courage to take that step and see a shrink. I still remember that day a couple of months ago, my first counseling session. I was crying for an hour, trying to deal with all these thoughts and emotions, and was referred to a psychiatrist. After the session, became crazy and rode a bus, had a 10 hour trip to CWC, and met up with a friend who was wakeboarding there.

I never thought I will lose weight and try to maintain it as much as I can. I remember going to Singapore last year, after my birthday, weeks before my last of work in my old job, feeling shitty about myself, blabbing over the girl who broke my heart and shed me to pieces, crawling up to my bestfriend at 7 or 8 in the morning and will just cry while hugging her tight. That time, I realized, I wanted to change, I wanted change, I want to stop my heat from hurting that bad, and I felt that trip reminded me of my worth, that I had time to think, relax, and actually reassess about how my life was. Tried running after that trip, because my head was consumed with too much Val thoughts. It was hard at first, but months after I started, here I am, I feel kind of lighter, literally and figuratively. Now, I live on smaller meals, random whatever diet, oatmeal, occasional yoga, jogging when there's time, not lazy and good weather, random cheats, tipid forever, coffee and tea. From just trying to get over a heartbreak, running became a part of me. I sometimes look for it especially when I haven't done anything for weeks, months.. Most of the time, my eating habits are the worst, but still, I try my best to stay safe and okay whenever, wherever. I get a lot of setbacks, but nonetheless, I somehow manage to pull back.

I also never thought I would sink in too deep, getting over a bad break up, trying to let loose and let go by actually seeing a lot of guys, sleeping around, having a certain pattern with guys, no commitments, less friends, barely reaching out, and holding everything in. I never thought I would meet someone who actually wanted something more than just casual dates and random shenanigans. Never thought I would be more scared than ever in reaching out to people, opening up and letting people in. But sadly, I never expected to let myself be out there and be unsafe. All the time. I stopped caring about myself, and just did any thing I wanted, not thinking about consequences. Did drugs, smoked, drank, walwal forever, gone out a lot. I was such in a bad place. I still go there sometimes, but somehow, I manage, with the help of some people, we manage to pull myself out of the pit and try to be healthy, stay healthy, stay sane, stay alive.

I never thought this year would be a year of changes. Started the year with a new job, new set of people to deal with, struggles at home, surviving talking to a lot of people, work with a lot of meetings, deal with strategies, learn to manage people and be managed and listen to a boss who listens to you as well. I never thought I would be able to survive life without Val, but I think, I am managing myself pretty well on my own. A lot of changes, every day, that I am trying to get used to. Learning a lot of things about my job, my self, and life. I know, most of them entail going out of my comfort and safe zone and risking, but you know, sometimes, it isn't really such a bad thing. Someone very important to me, I call her my soul sister, told me that we need boring, stagnant, stable, constant in our lives. These are the things we are not used to, because we always get bored easily, we like sudden rush, adrenaline overload, that we fail to notice that the things I mentioned, are actually signs of being normal. And normal is what I need in my life. Normal means there will be stagnant days, boring ones, something constant, people too, which may come along with change, being constant too. Contradicting, but makes a lot of sense.

Today, as I write this, I am trying to juggle working, studying, and thinking about life choices, and short term plans too. As I type this, I try to keep an open mind and an open heart. Pushing myself far to the limit, pushing myself to try something new, to work, to look at things on a different perspective, and to actually try and see things through. I'm trying to brace myself for a possible choice of actually sticking, long term, or choosing to be boring, normal, stagnant, with no rush, whatsoever. Choosing to be actually sane than always high or low. Choosing good people to be with, choosing to just be with everyone, embracing everyone's uniqueness, and being more open to others. Not saying I am not scared, because hell I am, badly, but you know, as they say, taking the first step can change something, anything. Even if it is just a baby step.

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