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I do not want to rant.

Had a very short conversation with Pau earlier. 

I don't really share much about what's going on in my life at the moment, not even to a single soul. But today, I suddenly told her how I felt about the current status of my lovelife. 

"Hindi ko alam. Malapit na ata ako maging single."

This was my exact words. 

It was nice that she mentioned about work and about effort. Because I feel I totally lost it. She told me how both parties should put in effort, and I told her how I felt that we are already two completely different people. This was the first time I fought the urge to cry. And I successfully did.

I felt a bit better. Because I felt that in case my partner decides to leave, I know that I will understand. How I wish I have one more chance to at least spend a day with her, just being together in the flesh. Because maybe, just maybe, it is the only thing that could save the relationship. But I am doubtful that it will still happen. Last week, I was even telling her that I don't want ever us to lose each other, that I don't want us to fall apart even though we lose the "romantic" relationship status. Today, I felt that I am about to lose her. I am scared. But at the same time there's this voice inside me telling me to let her go if she pleases. Because that's how I can prove that I do care for her, for us, for her present and future. Because that's how I can save whatever we have. 

Do not get me wrong. If I had a choice, beside her and beside me is where I want us to be. 

But if this isn't what's meant to be, I know, in my heart, that she will always be there. 
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