So they say.

So what's up everyone?  Merry Christmas to everyone. Just had the craziest month in a while. From last few weeks at work, to a vacation, to last few days at work, to a new job, to wrapping gifts and spending time with family.  It's surprising that the month just passed without me realizing it and now I think I should post and prepare my year end post already. 2013 was just a lot to handle for me.  How has everything been? Finally! Pushed my Singapore trip through already. It was 6 days of pure bliss and craziness,  realizations and good times. A few annoying moments but nonetheless everything was all good. Saw my crush with her girlfriend, and told him I was reallt happy for him. :) shopped Christmas gifts for everyone, well, family, and got a gift from friends too. Chocolates galoreeeee. Got to taste my fave chocolate again. Too happy ♡ Singapore is indeed a happy place, but my ex doesn't really like that place as it reminds her of so many bad memories, I...

What a title. LOL. But really. Today feels so bittersweet. I usually do look forward for birthdays for the sole reason that I kind of like to see who greets me first and remembers my birthday. I know there are only a few people who do, so I don't expect so much. For the past three years, I am guaranteed that at least one person would send me a very heartfelt message that could probably lift up my mood for the whole day. For the first time in four years, I am not guaranteed of having that. So this is how it feels like. A bit empty, sad, but still, thankful to God. But today, my wish isn't really for myself. My wish would be for the people I truly care about. I am sparing my personal wishes for today and giving personal wishes a break just for today. So many feels, especially for someone who turns a year older. Today, marks the start of my 26th year of existence on earth. To be honest, I never thought I would live this long. For someone who has tendencies, I always ...

니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 평소완 다른 말투, 심장이 시큰해 난 니가 낯설었고 비가 내릴 듯 하늘은 시커메 반복된 실망과 다툼 속 서로는 지쳤고, 넌 아마도 오늘 여기서 내게 꼭 이별을 말할 것 같아 순간 가슴에 불지른 듯 나도 모르게 소리쳤지 밀치고 부딪히고 널 보며 진저리 쳤지 너 왜 그렇게 슬픈 눈을 하고서 날 쳐다보고만 있어 항상 그랬지. 난 모질고 넌 지겹게 착해 빠졌어 니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 혼자 아닌 둘이라 넌 더 외롭다 했어 슬픈 표정으로 넌 물었지 내 말 이해 할 수 있어? 난 귀찮고 바쁘단 핑계로 널 짐처럼 취급했지 믿음은 플라스틱처럼 부러져 니 의심 지긋지긋했지 그리고 너희 집 앞 바래다준 마지막에 어김없이 폭탄 터졌지 참 더럽게도 징하게 서로를 밀쳤고 욕을 뱉고 우린 미쳤고 now we can’t go back 누군가 그랬지 계절은 이별을 데리고 오네 계속 그렇게 거친 말을 해 다신 안볼 듯 상처를 내봐 어차피 끝낼 맘이면 좀 더 제대로 나쁜 척해봐 너 짜증나게 굴지마 누굴 만나든 잘 살테니까 뒤 늦게 다시 날 찾을 때 난 절대로 거기 없으니까 그냥 꺼지라 했지 울먹이는 니 모습 지겨워서 바보같이 아파하는 그 꼴 봐주기 힘겨워서 미안해 할 것 없어 주저하지 말고 말해 어서 이별의 순간 난 여전히 못났고 넌 끝까지 착해빠졌어 헤어지잔 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 싫어졌다는 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 잡아달란 말이야 안아달란 말이야 ...

I mean, it kinda sucks that there isn't anyone that could really read this, but it is also a consolation that no one does, because it kinda gives me the freedom to say what I want to say. I have all these notes on my phone of what I want to tell people. Like how much they have hurt me. Or how much I dislike what they do. But I don't have the courage to post still even though no one can read them. I have been trying to have the guts to post what I want to say to that person who recently broke my heart. But I guess, it'll have to wait.. I'll wait until it doesn't hurt as much so when I post, I won't regret it. Since I started my weekday mass habit, or novena, or whatever you call it, I find comfort in going to church whenever I don't feel good about anything. Probably because I can cry at church and no one would really judge, because no one would come to you and ask if you're okay. To be honest, I feel pathetic to feel bad recently because I know a l...

I just realized.. while back reading earlier today.. why I am so emotional. Apparently, three years ago, was the day when Val was on a plane going here. It was such a dream come true, for me to see her. To be honest.. when she was here. I wanted to tell her to not go home and stay here for good. I didn't have the guts because I am unsure how to support the both of us. So I had to let her go.. and never did I thought that that was the last time I will see her, while we are in a relationship. That 5 weeks was pretty awesome. I never thought I was that patient and was that caring. It was never a dull moment with her. I still vividly remember how we sleep, how we wake up at 3 in the morning.. not realizing it was probably jetlag. I also remember how our first few days were us settling here in the PH together. Walking wearing sleeping clothes, eating take outs and drinking whatever. I could remember clearly how I hugged her and how she cried when she saw me because I was an hour lat...

No, not the Backstreet Boys song. And yes, it's the Justin Bieber song. I have a hard time thinking of titles for blogs since this is my to go to blog when I have thoughts, mostly bothering and depressing. So apologies for this. Random. I was watching The Voice when I heard this song in the Battles round. And Efff. Their rendition is just too good to ignore. Anyway, moving on. Words that I would really like to try doing and practice. I am trying. It is so hard to break away from a three and a half year habit. And I swear, each day passing is like a knife cutting my wrist. Sometimes, it could be a scratch. Sometime, it could be long enough to bleed a bit, or sometimes, too deep that I might lose myself in the process. Every day isn't the same. But every day, there is pain. Went to church again earlier. Apparently, it is becoming a habit that when I feel uneasy, I try going to church.. better if there will be someone with me in case I lose myself and cry or collapse. ...

-Popoy to Basha, One More Chance

I have been thinking a lot about what to do to make my life less complicated. Right now, my mind is in a state of gaze. God has been very good to me for the past 2 weeks and I feel very unsure and scared. Don't get me wrong. I am very thankful that despite my flaws and despite me turning away, He still decided to remain with me and remind me once in a while that He is still there. I just feel that I should let go already. That I should stop searching or waiting or talking. I do not know if I can, or if I should.  I am pretty sure I can. But it will take buckets of tears and a ton of strength and heart to do so. I am at that crossroad wherein my mind and my heart agree, but unsure if both can take it. I go crazy at times not hearing or talking.. I go crazy when I miss, or when there is a fight. But. Most of the time. I am uneasy because I am always conscious of how to act or what to do.  it is very unnatural of me. I know. I want things to be okay. Not in a we are toget...

..that I do have random thoughts in my head.  I kind of like having this blog all to myself without no one judging me or saying mean or bad things about me. Though I know I have given the link to a few people, I would be very surprise if someone even checks this regularly.  This blog is also a reminder of all my hardships and struggles, my thoughts, my wishes, my dreams, and everything else in between. Since I have a lot of time to spare, and I don't plan on going home early as to not take a cab home, I decided to post something, even though it may be senseless.  I have been thinking about a lot of things right now. Not just about my recent heartaches, but about what I would like to do in a short term kind of plan. I am not sure if this is the right time.. but I remember one person saying that there isn't really a right time, it's just going for it and following your heart's desire. I guess I can say that that is where I plan to head, or heading right now. I ...

I haven't gone to church for a while already. Probably at least 6 months. And earlier today, I was sort of prepared to go as I know that my bestfriend's family will go. And of course I agreed to go with them.  It was a happy way to end/start my week. Going to church was one step to what I call my own way of therapy. I was there, with her family, and felt really happy and light. I had a sister and 2 brothers with me, and a dad and a mom who were there too. I have always been the adopted daughter whenever I am with them. I always love hanging out with them as I have never had a complete family as far and long as I could remember. It felt like a part of me was recharged, being with them, going to church with them, saying peace be with you and besos. Afterwards, we all ate dinner together at this Korean restaurant one of her brothers suggested. It was fun eating and laughing with them. All my worries were put on hold for that moment and I just had to enjoy and laugh with them. It...

:( I need to make things better, even for myself. I can't be stuck sad or crying all day.  It's just that.. this fanfic I am reading.. is like my dream which was taken out in my head.  I can't help but cry. Because I never mentioned anything about it, yet, it just slapped me. HARD. It reminded me of that dream I used to have almost everyday..  And that personal dream I have in my head since probably 2 or 3 years ago. Sucks because it may never come true. All I have is that fanfic that will remind me of my dream.  

So as you have noticed. I have been very emotional these past couple of weeks. And I can't really react to every single thing because I am busy. I still have gazillion of things to do.. but.. I can't because I need rest. Been sick the whole week already and I haven't been better. I hope to see a silver lining soon. Been working my ass off and I feel it isn't going anywhere. I have to suck it up until I am able to find a job I really like. I am trying not to settle for less.. but I am also having the desire to do what I really love.  Nowadays, therapy has been crossing my mind. How I wish I have a shrink friend so it won't be so costly. I think I need to have therapy in order for me to live and survive. Life has been really rough on me and sometimes I already think of giving it up. That's why I have been thinking that therapy may be necessary for me.  I am not saying I am not okay. But I can't say I am. I am somewhere. Lost, I guess. But I have to keep ...

Tatakbo at gagalaw Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw Kulang na lang, atakihin Ang pag-hinga'y nabibitin Ang dahilang alam mo na Kahit ano pang sabihin nila Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam Ngunit ako ngayo'y naguguluhan Makikinig ba ako Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo? O iindak na lamang Sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko na lamang na Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw Habang nanonood siya...  Paalis at pabalik May baong yakap at suklian ng halik Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto Ngunit pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya Habang nalulungkot ka Ako...

Had a very short conversation with Pau earlier.  I don't really share much about what's going on in my life at the moment, not even to a single soul. But today, I suddenly told her how I felt about the current status of my lovelife.  "Hindi ko alam. Malapit na ata ako maging single." This was my exact words.  It was nice that she mentioned about work and about effort. Because I feel I totally lost it. She told me how both parties should put in effort, and I told her how I felt that we are already two completely different people. This was the first time I fought the urge to cry. And I successfully did. I felt a bit better. Because I felt that in case my partner decides to leave, I know that I will understand. How I wish I have one more chance to at least spend a day with her, just being together in the flesh. Because maybe, just maybe, it is the only thing that could save the relationship. But I am doubtful that it will still happen. Last week, I was e...

I don't know why. Is it the paranoia? Is it the stress? I would like to know, I would like to understand. I have been jumpy the past few weeks. I act weirdly. I have a lot of odd thoughts. I am scared about so many things. I panic a lot. I get mad a lot. I get lost in my thoughts a lot. I feel I am getting better at handling my situation, but my emotions have been getting out of hand more than ever. It feels like I am going back where I started, and probably, much worse. 2 nights ago, I was literally shouting at my voicemail to Val, and was telling her that she has to get up because she'll be late for her flight back to Cali. Then, she got so pissed at me, because I got the times mixed up, and that I wasn't supposed to be panicking because it was an hour delayed in Alaska, which most of the time I remember. I couldn't admit how stupid I was, and then I became very upset with myself and her, because I felt she wasn't very understanding of my situation. My bipolar...