Heavy.

I don't know why. Is it the paranoia? Is it the stress? I would like to know, I would like to understand.

I have been jumpy the past few weeks. I act weirdly. I have a lot of odd thoughts. I am scared about so many things. I panic a lot. I get mad a lot. I get lost in my thoughts a lot. I feel I am getting better at handling my situation, but my emotions have been getting out of hand more than ever. It feels like I am going back where I started, and probably, much worse.

2 nights ago, I was literally shouting at my voicemail to Val, and was telling her that she has to get up because she'll be late for her flight back to Cali. Then, she got so pissed at me, because I got the times mixed up, and that I wasn't supposed to be panicking because it was an hour delayed in Alaska, which most of the time I remember. I couldn't admit how stupid I was, and then I became very upset with myself and her, because I felt she wasn't very understanding of my situation. My bipolar tendencies. Which by the way, I haven't addressed nor confirmed yet. She tried to sound understanding through whatsapp, but I felt how disappointed and pissed she was until now. I was trying to ignore the signs, and think she was just tired and all that. Her whole week was so fun and happy, that my only wish right now is not to see her happy, but for her to stay in Alaska for good. For the first time in years, I felt sad, because it is the first time in a while I have seen her this happy, comfortable, and at peace. I wish I can give her that. But I know I have been giving her hell the past year or two. Kinda sucks to be me at the moment.

Here I am, blogging on a work hour, and trying to compose myself by typing this post so that I won't have another weird/odd/crazy episode.

A few weeks ago, my best friend and I were discussing how I have improved, and how I managed to search that person's name on facebook and literally checked. But little did I know, a few weeks after, now, I am starting to have excessive mood swings, I get dizzy a lot, and I feel like vomiting a lot. I guess, I am not okay. And I am still not at that stage that I can say I feel better and I am better. Although, honestly, I thought I was.

Today, I was expecting a little warmer replies from Valerie, but I got cold messages from her in whatsapp and in instagram. Maybe, just maybe, I am paranoid and I am over reacting.

I am at the brink of crying and sulking freakingly bad. I don't know why I am about to cry.

I lift everything to God. I know that He will give me answers in His time. I know He will be able to help me understand. I am just scared that everything I have worked hard for. Family, friends, and Val would just slip through my hands because I can't tell anyone, yet again, that I have been going through a lot of things again. Well, I didn't notice anything, until I asked Val one question I usually ask myself..

"Are you having cold feet?"
"About?"
"Us."


What is happening? I have a heavy heart at the moment, trying to breathe in and out, trying to survive.


PS if you get to read this, I just want to say how sorry I am of everything b. More than anything, I am sorry I have been fighting with myself again, alone.