So they say.

I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.  Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.  I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the...

My face above the water My feet can't touch the ground Touch the ground, and it feels like I can see the sands on the horizon everytime (everytime) You are not around I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away) Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream I wish I could make it easy Easy to love me Love me But still I reach, to find a way I'm stuck here in between I'm looking for the right words to say (to say) I'm slowly drifting, drifting away Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream Okay, this is nothing about any dramatic love story. It's just that the song is now my current LSS and is the story of my life at the moment in general. I am currently drifting away, losing touch of reality, and ...

Homily today was something I never expected to hear today. Gospel talks about loving your neighbor the way you love yourself. But that’s the thing, I don’t even know if I love myself enough. I have been blaming myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, and feeling that I deserved all of it. I thought, after all these years of protecting myself, of walking away from a lot of things, from not getting myself get hurt, I thought I was loving myself more. I realized today that it was how I loved myself, but it wasn’t enough. I have lived all these years in fear. Fear that all those bad things happening again. Getting hurt by the one you love, feeling my heart breaking every time, feeling the pain by every hit someone I care about says to me, or getting shattered by every blow a threat or a punch or anything physical was shown to me by the people I love and care for. I play the victim, because by definition, I am. But I also realized that going to therapy, I am trying ...

One summer, there is a girl who joined a widely known organization. She was 13 then, and was just dragged by her cousin and mom to attend this event. The girl was known to be quite outspoken, but has been sheltered by her family. She has been used to her own little world and doesn’t know what outside entails. After joining this org, she met a lot of people, good and bad. Just barely a month or two after joining, she finds herself in love situations. She thought she fell in love with a boy whom she was good friends with, but turns out, the boy was just all talk. She thought her heart was broken. She felt her heart was broken. She thought she was in love. It turns out, she was misled. It wasn’t really love. Then, someone came. He was one year older than her, someone who was friends with her since she joined. They were both new to the organization. They were in a group together with other newbies and some veterans in the organization. While she was trying to nurse her “broken” he...

I hate the feelings you keep on leaving me. PS I need to put something here to remind me of who am I talking about here. Yes, you. posted from Bloggeroid

So I was planning a very simple post about how elated and over the moon I am at the moment. But I realized it's just my bipolar self. So I will just talk about last Friday night (like yeah the song lol), and until this morning (Sunday morning, October 12).  So I am trying not to drink alcohol anymore, or coffee, but this past few days, I broke my pact my with myself. I'm so sorry Lord, I just needed that. I am trying to come to terms with myself. Not easy.  Anyway, last Friday, I was invited for happy hour by my Nielsen friends. Was hesitant at first because I am so broke and all that, but decided to yeah, actually just go and just break my Friday norm for the past months. It was suce a nice night, actually just going and just having fun and drinking. It was karen, pia, lexi, vit, and me. Then we saw menard, and he was game as well. I was supposed to go at around 9 or 10, but they ended up still tagging me along to Cable Car where crazier things happened. We had happy h...

A few weeks ago, my bestfriend Kara and I were talking about the past and I mentioned that I think this guy I dated was "the one that got away". She said she doesn't think it was that guy. I wasn't sure. But tonight, I know now who was/is my "one that got away".  Back in 2005. I had a guy bestfriend. He was one of the nicest and kindest guys I have ever met. I don't have bad things to say about him because he has always been caring and kind and lastly, a gentleman. A year after, I started dating him. It was short. Roughly 2 months. It was chaotic that time, and I was impatient. I wasn't understanding, and I couldn't understand why things had to be that way. Will spare you the details since I might have forgotten some of it, or that person might encounter this post.  Three years after, we suddenly saw each other and started hanging out again. After a couple of hang outs, he wanted something more. I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell him my ...

I can't hold it in anymore. I can't keep it together. I want to runaway. I want an escape. I want to get away from everything surrounding me. I need to breathe. I'm suffocated. I'm lost. I want to wander somewhere unknown, be with people I am familiar with. Familiarity is something I need right now, along with a getaway. I had a quite long weekend, unexpectedly, and things started to change. Or I thought it would. I thought it would be for the better, but here I am typing like a cynic and is about to lose myself from the delusions of my life and the pains of every event that had happened. I really want to let go everything already, bit by bit and slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I feel that as much as I want to let go everything already, it's hard. Loneliness and pain have been my friends ever since I can remember. Let me tell you first about my weekend since I actually thought it was my break through already. So Last Thursday, let's start with...

Dear Habit, hate the fact that you always force me to break you. Too many times this year. I just wish we can have this sense of connection and consistency with each other, that I don't have to just drop you whenever you feel and whenever you want me to. I don't want to be led on anymore though. I just wish you and I can have signs when we have to distance away from each other, or when we have to break away. I wonder now what came about the sudden break again. I wonder how come when I was prepared to embrace you and accept you in my life, you suddenly left, and suddenly lost touch with me. The last time I had to break up with you, I knew it was solid. I didn't want to feel used and wasted and abused again. The time before that, I had to because that habit was so hard to break already and it was breaking me even if I was with you already. That time, I was so into you that I still can't be away from you til now. But this time, I am trying to do it gently, and tryi...

This is the first time I am talking about you anywhere in a very long time. I have been thinking about this post since this morning, but ended up writing 3 or 4 sentences in my journal and nothing about you. Think of this post as long overdue, and something maybe timely, or something that maybe can be just called a brain fart. How have you been ever since 1996? That was the last time I saw you up close, with a little kid too. I remember that little kid was probably between 1-3 years old of age back then, and found out he was another sibling I had. I'm sure my sister had never remembered that incident, because she barely remembers you too. The last time I actually saw you, was 2007. I was with Tita Sylvia, she was visiting Manila, and we met her  because she and I have a special bonding since we used to write letters and send cards to each other back then. She was the only relative on your side of the family I really had connection with. We we're on our way out, when we saw ...

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes. Today started out okay. Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore. Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things. ...

Well, hello there world. Nice to be here again.  I catch myself crying in tears since probably 10 minutes ago.  I don't know why. But I feel so much pain again. I wish therapy wasn't cancelled today, and that I can actually talk to someone. My heart is being pierced, my mind is spinning. I think about a lot of things that has happened to me and where I am. I am lost, I do not know where I am, how am I and how am I going to pick myself up from the mess that I am in.  I want to just say everything. I want to be mad with the world. I want to scream and shout and tell the world how painful it is to live my life for the past couple of years. I want to come home and sleep soundly, I want to be able to be myself and not watch my back all the time. I want to be able to feel something, anything. Not just to be mediocre, or numb or nonchalant. 

Will I look for you and tell you, "You mean a lot to me, so please stay with me."? These are the two things I usually ask myself nowadays. People come and go. And sometimes, I am very uncertain, or all the time I am very uncertain of what I feel towards someone. May it be a friend, family, or someone that can be potentially special to me. I have a hard time figuring out and realizing if this person is someone I want to keep in my life or not. So it always ends up, me leaving, or the other person leaving because of my doing.  Will I still be able to have those two questions answered by a yes?  That may be answered in time.. maybe not. 

If there is one thing I learned over the past few months is that, I know that I may never be normal, but I would like something normal in my life. Walking away from a lot of things, pushing everything away that makes my life miserable and stressful, is not just defense mechanism but it is a way of life I choose to be in. Everything I made was a choice I knew I needed to make. I know this is against what my therapists say, but I do know in my heart that it is something I would like to still keep after everything, meds and therapy end. It has protected me from so many things, especially the pains and the cruelness of the world. This world has given me at least two point of views I know I can never erase anymore, as the world has been very cruel to me. I keep everything inside my heart, and one day it would just burst and people would realize how life has treated me, how they have treated me, and how fragile I am that I just kept it all in, cry all by myself, and be sensitive and get hu...

Trying to have faith I people, and then consistently be disappointed. Seriously. People, if you want to lie and cheat and not be truthful, be very good at it. Because once someone finds out, it can be very annoying and agitating. As for me, I may forgive but I barely forget, sometimes never. Besides, karma's a fucking bitch.

Over the past few days, I have been on a Kylie Minogue mood. For some reason, I appreciate her songs more as I grow old than I was in my early years. Maybe because my music genre changes as well, plus, her songs speak to me for some reason.  So, I found this song.. Video isn't really quite click to the real meaning of the song, but it'll do to the lyrics itself. :) I know I needed change, and I guess everything just fell into place at the right time and place. At a time all I needed were answers, at a time all I needed was a leap of faith to do what I haven't done in years, at the moment, I felt I needed to accept everything and do something to change what I have been. I know I still have a long road to walk to, even run to. But, at least, taking small steps will take me somewhere I never expected. Also, talking to more people helps, hanging out with the crowd I used to be with a lot, reminding me of who I was back then, and comparing it to who I am now.  I know I can...

Soooo. I was very emotional yesterday while watching Maybe This Time, a local movie with Sarah and Coco as stars. Today, I am trying not to think and just have good vibes. A friend introduced me to this song, and I didn't listen too carefully until this morning. I think it's actually a perfect wedding song. Not just because of the music, but the lyrics as well. "I Choose You" Let the bough break, let it come down crashing Let the sun fade out to a dark sky I can't say I'd even notice it was absent Cause I could live by the light in your eyes I'll unfold before you What I've strung together The very first words Of a lifelong love letter Tell the world that we finally got it all right I choose you I will become yours and you will become mine I choose you I choose you (Yeah) There was a time when I would have believed them If they told me you could not come true Just love's illusion But then you found me and everything chan...

I usually use this blog to post about bad things I feel, so that I can release them as much as I could. But today, as bad as I can remember the lying/scheming/dishonesty that I discovered last week, the start of my Monday was really great. It is just a good feeling to talk to someone who gave you a compliment or two when you have just woken up from your sleep. It may be true or not, but the feeling it gives you is something that can keep you in a good mood all day. No expectations, just good vibes for today. Keeping my fingers crossed.

The past month has been nothing but smooth sailing. I have been drugged for a month (yeah, like really. lol), and I think it works somehow. Over the past week and a half, I do have so many feelings, and maybe, possibly sinking into a different episode. Anyway, I am trying to deal with everything as much as possible, but I am very close to falling into a trap I cannot probably get out of at the moment.  So over the past few days, a few things happened I am not open to divulge in this post, but probably has seen by very few people that follow me on twitter. One other thing happened today which I haven't told anyone. But I did share a bit to someone over whatsapp. Been in a state of gloominess, except for last night, when I saw a friend happy and in love. Do not get me wrong. I still am very firm about my stand on happily ever afters, but, if people find it, I am very open to it and happy for them too. Seeing that coworker last night, I forgot my b...

If there is one thing I want to be invented at the moment, I wish there is an existing medicine for managing expectations. Once you take it, you will not have to expect anything or it will  lessen your expectations about anything or anyone so you won't get too affected or get hurt by it. Expectations can make or break people. It comes with a certain amount of faith and trust and hope all rolled into one. It can make you believe in all sorts of things, and it can distort the way you look into things. It can give you a glimpse of heaven, with the right amount of reality, but it can drag you to hell with a dozen hollow blocks on your head. Expectations are realities deformed maybe for the better, or maybe for the worse. Expecting things will be okay or things are normal sometimes mean that we expect something more, something tangible, something better or something instant.. well in fact, reality doesn't put things that way. Reality reminds us of the facts and the truth, may...

After 10 days (including the day I met my shrink), I finally decided to send her a note. A very long one. It included details of my normal rants, and my stories and my thoughts which are actually saved in my phone now. It also includes things I haven't told anyone, and I think she has to know.  Everything is slowing my mind down, but at the same time, riling up too. See the contradiction right there? Yeah. I know. A living contradiction.  This is currently my main issue. But a lot of other concerns has been piling up.  People say I am over reacting on everything, but I guess it's just hard to explain what you are going through when you can't understand it yourself.  2:56PM Broke down an hour ago, and still figuring out why. Now I know what's making my mind slow down, but I am riling up too. Same reason why I have been trying to make a journal of my life. Because I am in denial of what is happening to me. It hasn't sank in completely that I am sick and that...

I realized over the past few days that I get glimpses and flashbacks and nightmares of my exes every now and then. That is why I thought of actually making this post. Maybe by posting this. I can somehow release a lot of things I never actually said or did. Or maybe I did but forgot I did.  This post may be cheesy or offending. I am apologizing in advance, because I just think this might be helpful for me. In one way or another.  To my grade school crush/bestfriend , you have always been my crush since grade 4. You were the popular girl in the batch, and everyone's dream ka-on (OMG SO GRADE SCHOOL HAHA). But I sincerely thank you for being my friend in grade 6, because I was never bullied then, unlike in Grade 4, that my locker was placed with that mail bomb that used to be popular during the day. I never thought we would be friends, and it was such a good experience. It was fun hanging out and teachers trying to see if we were actually dating, because they wouldn't let us...