So they say.

I haven't had the chance to write anything in a really long time.  I guess I'm putting it out here, so that I can let things out of my head.  I'm very good at play pretend and showing that things are okay even though I am hanging on to dear life and things are just bad.  I don't have the patience with anything nowadays and I'm really mad. Like dead mad all the time. I can always scream and shout if I can. But I choose not to talk to people and in the end I tend to be very annoyed and angry and sometimes or most of the time I just sound cranky and a bit to people.  I also don't have the patience nowadays. I don't like waiting, and I am irritated all the time.  I have a lot of things to be angry and annoyed about but I will try not to say anything because after all this is an open blog.  Anyway. How have I been? My therapist asked me this last Saturday. To be honest. I haven't been okay. I am not okay. I just want to burst out crying. I want t...

Everything just went downhill. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday. I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt. I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place. All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me. I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daugh...

❤

Find me here at Your feet again Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender Come sweep me up in your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever

Yesterday, everything was just annoying me. Everything was just wrong on so many levels and I was irritated and dead angry. I am not sure why, but ever since that call with my mom the night before, everything just ticked me off. My mom, once again, making me feel stupid and dumb, or hurting me in ways she could not imagine. Recently, everything just hurts. After that April 9 incident, everything is just painful to do, painful to talk about. April 9, 2015. Probably around 11ish, I looked back on what my life has been since March of last year. Last year, I decided to do what I thought I will never do in my lifetime – to make sex as just sex, and just sleep around. Over the past year, all I did was mask everything away, show everyone how I could carry on with my life the way I have been doing, without even stopping or without even wondering about anything. I kept everything on my own. I slept with a number of guys, more than I have slept with ever since 2006. Means, for the past 8 ye...

I've been meaning to post something here, but instead of writing it down and whatnot, everything is staying in my head. Literally and figuratively. Hello from the City of Smiles. I just got back from dinner and coffee and dessert with a high school friend I haven't seen in forever and her husband. It's nice to see people from my old life every now and then, and reminds me of good times and how life used to be back then. I really appreciated the effort she and her husband did to accommodate me even in such a short notice. And they're a really lovely couple. We did eat at Bob's, had dinner with their friends here in Bacolod, as there is an event here so some of their friends are actually performers for that event, had one of the best desserts there too, and good lechon, and then had good coffee and talk after that in a hotel nearby. It's amazing how my out of the office work goes. I don't get a lot of down time since I have a schedule to meet, but, it is...

I have been sulking since I don't know when. I stay in a lot more than I usually do, and I don't enjoy going out as much as I would normally do. I avoid being with people, and I don't enjoy company much anymore.  I really need to talk about what I should be talking about. It is starting to mess everything.  I am not functional anymore.  I miss lunch guy, a lot. I want him to be the first person I start opening up to. I am scared of everything and everyone at the moment. I wish it is just panic attacks or anxiety attacks, but yeah. Much more than that.  I miss my old self. I miss the life I used to live. I may have not lived comfortably before. But hell, I don't live right now anyway. Like what was mentioned during the Grand Feast yesterday, there are dead people, half dead people. I think I am one of them.  Grand Feast yesterday made me think about a lot of things in my life. I am worried about a friend. I know he has been going through a lot of things ...