I promise to vent it out first before getting ready to leave. Sorry. If ever you come across this post, this would sound ranting, or depressed, or simply rant. Apologies for the post in advance. This is a mixture of sadness, relief, stress, confusion, happiness and everything else in between all rolled into one.
My life has always been an open secret to everyone, well, for the past 20 years that is. But ever since I started working, I felt my life completely changing into something I wasn't and I never imagined I would be. I had been secluded to other people, scared to take risks, being within my comfort zones, and just simply living day by day as it is. My life could get more boring than ever. But sometimes, I still have that spontaneity within me. I get to hang out with friends once in a while, I tend to text few friends for out of nowhere drinking sessions, 5 minute breaks, lunch-outs and the like. I feel that I was getting my life back, or I thought so.
Everyone knows that my last relationship was with the same sex. Not that I keep it, nor broadcast it. but thank God only a number of people know about this blog, so all of the things on this page are like known for people who know me well. And we broke up officially last year February, on our anniversary. Since then, I tried dating one guy. But after that, I never felt much interest. Until one guy I met came, and totally thought he was worth waiting for. In the end, it was still a failure.
Recently, I bumped across someone who was somewhat interesting. I wasn't really sure on how to react, since I was really not in that mode anymore, but then that person came. It was all fun at first, then I felt I was getting too close. Now, things are complicated, and the friendship that was built? It is in the brink of failing as well. That person, somehow changed my aura everyday, never thought it would have an effect on me, but it did. It has always been light and casual, so it was never a burden, nor a necessity. I knew that it was just there, something constant I wish I could keep. But as they say, the only permanent thing in this world is change. I think, this would be the most gasgas line I have used ever. Things changed when I came across another, that made me think about a lot of things in life. It has been there, but I have never noticed it. I never noticed because it was always wrong timing. Until now, it is wrong timing. But this time, I had to do something about it. So I tried my best to weigh things, I tried my best to get along with it well, with both of these, but ended up getting all mixed up, juggled and confused.
Now, I thought I knew my answer to this dilemma or to the confusion that occured. I didn't realize, that, I had no choice after all. That it wasn't really a choice, but a mere dillusion of the mind, a mere challenge to surpass. I got my answer, slapped in front of me. It wasn't the answer I expected, but I knew it was for the best. I knew it was something that I expected, but tried to ignore it. Now, I am left with almost nothing, but the thought that at one point, it made me smile.
I always pray to God, and only wish two things for myself: Happiness and peace of mind. I have always believed in His will and power, and I knew He tried his best to make things happen for me. But fate, does tell otherwise. God has planned something for each and everyone of us, but maybe it wasn't included.
You ask me how I am feeling? I am sad, not to the point I couldn't sleep, since I am so tired, and just went home 6:30AM from work, but I am sad to the point that I want to stay at home, pray and do something that would make me release the pinch of pain, and the box of sadness. As I am about to end, I feel water in my eyes, on the verge of flowing. I have never felt this way for quite sometime, maybe because it was a simple joy I knew I couldn't keep. But nonetheless, I thank God for giving me simple things in life to keep me sane, and to keep His promise that he will make me smile and happy everyday. I have other things in mind, but will have to share it in a different time, since I could manage to keep it still to myself.
What was the triggering point of this blog? I heard one song play here. I totally didn't expect, since it was never played here at home. and in the restaurant for that matter. What song would that be? You would have to find out.
It is sad, but at least I know what to do now. This may not be the best thing to do, but I think it will be worth a shot. Thank you for giving me an answer. It will linger everyday, until I wake up and I feel nothing about it. Once again, I knew how God is good. Despite getting hurt and sad, I knew that this would be one phase that had to pass. I just hope this end the dilemma, I hope this way, everything just becomes back to normal. I have always wanted to live a normal life, away from all the drama and aback.
Apologies if this didn't make sense. For me, it certainly did.
My life has always been an open secret to everyone, well, for the past 20 years that is. But ever since I started working, I felt my life completely changing into something I wasn't and I never imagined I would be. I had been secluded to other people, scared to take risks, being within my comfort zones, and just simply living day by day as it is. My life could get more boring than ever. But sometimes, I still have that spontaneity within me. I get to hang out with friends once in a while, I tend to text few friends for out of nowhere drinking sessions, 5 minute breaks, lunch-outs and the like. I feel that I was getting my life back, or I thought so.
Everyone knows that my last relationship was with the same sex. Not that I keep it, nor broadcast it. but thank God only a number of people know about this blog, so all of the things on this page are like known for people who know me well. And we broke up officially last year February, on our anniversary. Since then, I tried dating one guy. But after that, I never felt much interest. Until one guy I met came, and totally thought he was worth waiting for. In the end, it was still a failure.
Recently, I bumped across someone who was somewhat interesting. I wasn't really sure on how to react, since I was really not in that mode anymore, but then that person came. It was all fun at first, then I felt I was getting too close. Now, things are complicated, and the friendship that was built? It is in the brink of failing as well. That person, somehow changed my aura everyday, never thought it would have an effect on me, but it did. It has always been light and casual, so it was never a burden, nor a necessity. I knew that it was just there, something constant I wish I could keep. But as they say, the only permanent thing in this world is change. I think, this would be the most gasgas line I have used ever. Things changed when I came across another, that made me think about a lot of things in life. It has been there, but I have never noticed it. I never noticed because it was always wrong timing. Until now, it is wrong timing. But this time, I had to do something about it. So I tried my best to weigh things, I tried my best to get along with it well, with both of these, but ended up getting all mixed up, juggled and confused.
Now, I thought I knew my answer to this dilemma or to the confusion that occured. I didn't realize, that, I had no choice after all. That it wasn't really a choice, but a mere dillusion of the mind, a mere challenge to surpass. I got my answer, slapped in front of me. It wasn't the answer I expected, but I knew it was for the best. I knew it was something that I expected, but tried to ignore it. Now, I am left with almost nothing, but the thought that at one point, it made me smile.
I always pray to God, and only wish two things for myself: Happiness and peace of mind. I have always believed in His will and power, and I knew He tried his best to make things happen for me. But fate, does tell otherwise. God has planned something for each and everyone of us, but maybe it wasn't included.
You ask me how I am feeling? I am sad, not to the point I couldn't sleep, since I am so tired, and just went home 6:30AM from work, but I am sad to the point that I want to stay at home, pray and do something that would make me release the pinch of pain, and the box of sadness. As I am about to end, I feel water in my eyes, on the verge of flowing. I have never felt this way for quite sometime, maybe because it was a simple joy I knew I couldn't keep. But nonetheless, I thank God for giving me simple things in life to keep me sane, and to keep His promise that he will make me smile and happy everyday. I have other things in mind, but will have to share it in a different time, since I could manage to keep it still to myself.
What was the triggering point of this blog? I heard one song play here. I totally didn't expect, since it was never played here at home. and in the restaurant for that matter. What song would that be? You would have to find out.
It is sad, but at least I know what to do now. This may not be the best thing to do, but I think it will be worth a shot. Thank you for giving me an answer. It will linger everyday, until I wake up and I feel nothing about it. Once again, I knew how God is good. Despite getting hurt and sad, I knew that this would be one phase that had to pass. I just hope this end the dilemma, I hope this way, everything just becomes back to normal. I have always wanted to live a normal life, away from all the drama and aback.
Apologies if this didn't make sense. For me, it certainly did.
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