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Why can't I even say things.

I used to be talkative to everyone. I used to speak my mind to anyone, everyone. I never hesitate, I never chicken out. But at this moment, I am about to breakdown, I have been praying, and discerning all day. I spent the whole day telling myself and God every pain, sadness, and struggle I have been having, but all I can hear is the silence of God just wanting to hear me out. He didn't give me answers. But, he gave me the chance to hear myself out. This has been the saddest, since i don't know when. My heart and mind has been heavy. And if I was to be given a chance, all I want to do right now is to go somewhere quiet and alone. I don't really share much, but maybe this blog can help me pour my thoughts out of my head, and see things outside the picture.

A lot of people don't know, but Val and I have been struggling for sometime. Ever since she came back home in the US, we spent very minimal time talking about things. We usually just say hi and hello's, a bit of how are you's and then I go straight to bed. It's probably the effect of stress, and the busy quarter end last year. But after year end, things didn't change. We barely talk. I realized how depressed I was when she left. It will be at least a year before I can spend time with her again. I have been ignoring the fact that if I keep things up, I might just end up hurting myself, because I don't want to accept things. But other than this, things just became worse.. awful. I have noticed her less interest in talking, and just cuddling, sweet talk. We basically end up not talking about things and how we used to be amazed by anything. We stopped talking about how things were, are, how's things around us, and all that. We share less and less, until it came to a point, that I feel she leaves me out of her problems, her personal drama, until I felt left out, and once again alone. For the past 10 months, she has been a very constant person in my life, and not once has she let me felt this way, and I know she didn't want this to happen. But she did. For months, we've been trying our hardest to tell everyone things are fine. We've been shrugging things off, and just wishing things will get better day by day. But it doesn't. I'm at that point that I am scared again. That I miss her so much I can't just say it out loud. I am at the point that it hurts so much to be like this, feeling all sad and left alone, but can't do anything about it. I have even been thinking of just moving somewhere close to hers. I even thought of just shutting out everything in my life so as the pain would stop. But it won't. I miss how things were just simple and less complicated.

I am at the brink of giving up my 10 month relationship. I am this close of saying I'm done with everything. I love her too much to just give up. But I have been crying the past few weeks, and the pain has been unbearable. I can't be like this until I don't know how long. It will be busy season very soon. I want to be as productive and as an efficient employee as possible. I hope God gives me the right answers, the good choices too.
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