So they say.

Unfortunately, this maybe hormones, my irritability with everything and feeling very uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like I should really put this out here. For months, I wonder what could have been, might have been. I wonder whether my choices with regards to you, us, has been right. But now.. all I can say is fuck you.  I know that we started out wrong on so many levels, and you woke my inner sense, telling me that I was going downward spiral. You were the one who told me to try to put down my walls even a bit, to try to trust, to believe in you when you said all those things to me. You were getting close, while I wasn't. You were really really close. I think you went in, eventually. I do not know when, how or why, but eventually you did. I mourned for you, cried for you. I did tell a couple of people that I think I actually fell in love with you at some point. I knew you were never completely in, but you went in at some point. I don't know why, but hearing what I...

I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life. Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it. I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble rememberin...

I think this song best describes what is my prayer every day. I have been going through a lot nowadays, and most of my thoughts are kept to myself. I don't talk about it because I feel I would burden people with it, and maybe, I am also protecting myself from the hurt it would cause in case they walk away.  Earlier was therapy day again. Today was a different thing again, probably because this is the first time I have openly talked about the things that are on my mind at the moment. Financial issues, my mom, my past relationships, my needs, my wants, my choices and how it affects others, my pains, my hardships, and where I am at the moment.  I didn't say anything to anyone, but recently, I have been haunted once again by my past. From meeting an ex boyfriend in Singapore, to my nightmares about that bad guy and feeling of being watched all the time. Been very shaky and very uneasy over the past few weeks. Been living in fear and living watching my back all the...

My face above the water My feet can't touch the ground Touch the ground, and it feels like I can see the sands on the horizon everytime (everytime) You are not around I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away) Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream I wish I could make it easy Easy to love me Love me But still I reach, to find a way I'm stuck here in between I'm looking for the right words to say (to say) I'm slowly drifting, drifting away Wave after wave Wave after wave I'm slowly drifting (drifting away) And it feels like I'm drowning Pulling against the stream Pulling against the stream Okay, this is nothing about any dramatic love story. It's just that the song is now my current LSS and is the story of my life at the moment in general. I am currently drifting away, losing touch of reality, and ...

Homily today was something I never expected to hear today. Gospel talks about loving your neighbor the way you love yourself. But that’s the thing, I don’t even know if I love myself enough. I have been blaming myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, and feeling that I deserved all of it. I thought, after all these years of protecting myself, of walking away from a lot of things, from not getting myself get hurt, I thought I was loving myself more. I realized today that it was how I loved myself, but it wasn’t enough. I have lived all these years in fear. Fear that all those bad things happening again. Getting hurt by the one you love, feeling my heart breaking every time, feeling the pain by every hit someone I care about says to me, or getting shattered by every blow a threat or a punch or anything physical was shown to me by the people I love and care for. I play the victim, because by definition, I am. But I also realized that going to therapy, I am trying ...

One summer, there is a girl who joined a widely known organization. She was 13 then, and was just dragged by her cousin and mom to attend this event. The girl was known to be quite outspoken, but has been sheltered by her family. She has been used to her own little world and doesn’t know what outside entails. After joining this org, she met a lot of people, good and bad. Just barely a month or two after joining, she finds herself in love situations. She thought she fell in love with a boy whom she was good friends with, but turns out, the boy was just all talk. She thought her heart was broken. She felt her heart was broken. She thought she was in love. It turns out, she was misled. It wasn’t really love. Then, someone came. He was one year older than her, someone who was friends with her since she joined. They were both new to the organization. They were in a group together with other newbies and some veterans in the organization. While she was trying to nurse her “broken” he...

I hate the feelings you keep on leaving me. PS I need to put something here to remind me of who am I talking about here. Yes, you. posted from Bloggeroid