So they say.

I haven't written anything in my journal for the longest time, and I have been putting off typing something here. So yeah. Here it goes. Today started out okay. Having a longer time to sleep, which means, longer than 3-4 hours, is something I barely get in these years of limbo. Before this long time sleep, I have been sleeping 2-4 hours on average for a week or two. Not sure if it's because I have a lot on my plate about work, or because my life is such a mess, but sometimes I wake up sweaty, agitated, scared, worried, anxious. I guess I get nightmares, but luckily, I don't remember them. But someone gave me a perspective about this, that I am choosing not to disclose first at the moment. I'm still holding on, trying to keep myself together, keeping every thing in as much as I can, and trying to make sure everyone feels I'm okay even though there are days I can't hold on anymore. Over the past couple of days to weeks, been nostalgic about a lot of things. ...

Well, hello there world. Nice to be here again.  I catch myself crying in tears since probably 10 minutes ago.  I don't know why. But I feel so much pain again. I wish therapy wasn't cancelled today, and that I can actually talk to someone. My heart is being pierced, my mind is spinning. I think about a lot of things that has happened to me and where I am. I am lost, I do not know where I am, how am I and how am I going to pick myself up from the mess that I am in.  I want to just say everything. I want to be mad with the world. I want to scream and shout and tell the world how painful it is to live my life for the past couple of years. I want to come home and sleep soundly, I want to be able to be myself and not watch my back all the time. I want to be able to feel something, anything. Not just to be mediocre, or numb or nonchalant. 

Will I look for you and tell you, "You mean a lot to me, so please stay with me."? These are the two things I usually ask myself nowadays. People come and go. And sometimes, I am very uncertain, or all the time I am very uncertain of what I feel towards someone. May it be a friend, family, or someone that can be potentially special to me. I have a hard time figuring out and realizing if this person is someone I want to keep in my life or not. So it always ends up, me leaving, or the other person leaving because of my doing.  Will I still be able to have those two questions answered by a yes?  That may be answered in time.. maybe not. 

If there is one thing I learned over the past few months is that, I know that I may never be normal, but I would like something normal in my life. Walking away from a lot of things, pushing everything away that makes my life miserable and stressful, is not just defense mechanism but it is a way of life I choose to be in. Everything I made was a choice I knew I needed to make. I know this is against what my therapists say, but I do know in my heart that it is something I would like to still keep after everything, meds and therapy end. It has protected me from so many things, especially the pains and the cruelness of the world. This world has given me at least two point of views I know I can never erase anymore, as the world has been very cruel to me. I keep everything inside my heart, and one day it would just burst and people would realize how life has treated me, how they have treated me, and how fragile I am that I just kept it all in, cry all by myself, and be sensitive and get hu...

Trying to have faith I people, and then consistently be disappointed. Seriously. People, if you want to lie and cheat and not be truthful, be very good at it. Because once someone finds out, it can be very annoying and agitating. As for me, I may forgive but I barely forget, sometimes never. Besides, karma's a fucking bitch.

Over the past few days, I have been on a Kylie Minogue mood. For some reason, I appreciate her songs more as I grow old than I was in my early years. Maybe because my music genre changes as well, plus, her songs speak to me for some reason.  So, I found this song.. Video isn't really quite click to the real meaning of the song, but it'll do to the lyrics itself. :) I know I needed change, and I guess everything just fell into place at the right time and place. At a time all I needed were answers, at a time all I needed was a leap of faith to do what I haven't done in years, at the moment, I felt I needed to accept everything and do something to change what I have been. I know I still have a long road to walk to, even run to. But, at least, taking small steps will take me somewhere I never expected. Also, talking to more people helps, hanging out with the crowd I used to be with a lot, reminding me of who I was back then, and comparing it to who I am now.  I know I can...

Soooo. I was very emotional yesterday while watching Maybe This Time, a local movie with Sarah and Coco as stars. Today, I am trying not to think and just have good vibes. A friend introduced me to this song, and I didn't listen too carefully until this morning. I think it's actually a perfect wedding song. Not just because of the music, but the lyrics as well. "I Choose You" Let the bough break, let it come down crashing Let the sun fade out to a dark sky I can't say I'd even notice it was absent Cause I could live by the light in your eyes I'll unfold before you What I've strung together The very first words Of a lifelong love letter Tell the world that we finally got it all right I choose you I will become yours and you will become mine I choose you I choose you (Yeah) There was a time when I would have believed them If they told me you could not come true Just love's illusion But then you found me and everything chan...