So they say.

What a title. LOL. But really. Today feels so bittersweet. I usually do look forward for birthdays for the sole reason that I kind of like to see who greets me first and remembers my birthday. I know there are only a few people who do, so I don't expect so much. For the past three years, I am guaranteed that at least one person would send me a very heartfelt message that could probably lift up my mood for the whole day. For the first time in four years, I am not guaranteed of having that. So this is how it feels like. A bit empty, sad, but still, thankful to God. But today, my wish isn't really for myself. My wish would be for the people I truly care about. I am sparing my personal wishes for today and giving personal wishes a break just for today. So many feels, especially for someone who turns a year older. Today, marks the start of my 26th year of existence on earth. To be honest, I never thought I would live this long. For someone who has tendencies, I always ...

니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 평소완 다른 말투, 심장이 시큰해 난 니가 낯설었고 비가 내릴 듯 하늘은 시커메 반복된 실망과 다툼 속 서로는 지쳤고, 넌 아마도 오늘 여기서 내게 꼭 이별을 말할 것 같아 순간 가슴에 불지른 듯 나도 모르게 소리쳤지 밀치고 부딪히고 널 보며 진저리 쳤지 너 왜 그렇게 슬픈 눈을 하고서 날 쳐다보고만 있어 항상 그랬지. 난 모질고 넌 지겹게 착해 빠졌어 니 입술이 나를 욕해도 난 아니 아니야 니 마음이 나를 접어도 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 끝내 자는 게 아니야 안아 달란 말이야 혼자 아닌 둘이라 넌 더 외롭다 했어 슬픈 표정으로 넌 물었지 내 말 이해 할 수 있어? 난 귀찮고 바쁘단 핑계로 널 짐처럼 취급했지 믿음은 플라스틱처럼 부러져 니 의심 지긋지긋했지 그리고 너희 집 앞 바래다준 마지막에 어김없이 폭탄 터졌지 참 더럽게도 징하게 서로를 밀쳤고 욕을 뱉고 우린 미쳤고 now we can’t go back 누군가 그랬지 계절은 이별을 데리고 오네 계속 그렇게 거친 말을 해 다신 안볼 듯 상처를 내봐 어차피 끝낼 맘이면 좀 더 제대로 나쁜 척해봐 너 짜증나게 굴지마 누굴 만나든 잘 살테니까 뒤 늦게 다시 날 찾을 때 난 절대로 거기 없으니까 그냥 꺼지라 했지 울먹이는 니 모습 지겨워서 바보같이 아파하는 그 꼴 봐주기 힘겨워서 미안해 할 것 없어 주저하지 말고 말해 어서 이별의 순간 난 여전히 못났고 넌 끝까지 착해빠졌어 헤어지잔 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 싫어졌다는 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야 내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라 잡아달란 말이야 안아달란 말이야 ...

I mean, it kinda sucks that there isn't anyone that could really read this, but it is also a consolation that no one does, because it kinda gives me the freedom to say what I want to say. I have all these notes on my phone of what I want to tell people. Like how much they have hurt me. Or how much I dislike what they do. But I don't have the courage to post still even though no one can read them. I have been trying to have the guts to post what I want to say to that person who recently broke my heart. But I guess, it'll have to wait.. I'll wait until it doesn't hurt as much so when I post, I won't regret it. Since I started my weekday mass habit, or novena, or whatever you call it, I find comfort in going to church whenever I don't feel good about anything. Probably because I can cry at church and no one would really judge, because no one would come to you and ask if you're okay. To be honest, I feel pathetic to feel bad recently because I know a l...

I just realized.. while back reading earlier today.. why I am so emotional. Apparently, three years ago, was the day when Val was on a plane going here. It was such a dream come true, for me to see her. To be honest.. when she was here. I wanted to tell her to not go home and stay here for good. I didn't have the guts because I am unsure how to support the both of us. So I had to let her go.. and never did I thought that that was the last time I will see her, while we are in a relationship. That 5 weeks was pretty awesome. I never thought I was that patient and was that caring. It was never a dull moment with her. I still vividly remember how we sleep, how we wake up at 3 in the morning.. not realizing it was probably jetlag. I also remember how our first few days were us settling here in the PH together. Walking wearing sleeping clothes, eating take outs and drinking whatever. I could remember clearly how I hugged her and how she cried when she saw me because I was an hour lat...