So they say.

I can't hold it in anymore. I can't keep it together. I want to runaway. I want an escape. I want to get away from everything surrounding me. I need to breathe. I'm suffocated. I'm lost. I want to wander somewhere unknown, be with people I am familiar with. Familiarity is something I need right now, along with a getaway. I had a quite long weekend, unexpectedly, and things started to change. Or I thought it would. I thought it would be for the better, but here I am typing like a cynic and is about to lose myself from the delusions of my life and the pains of every event that had happened. I really want to let go everything already, bit by bit and slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I feel that as much as I want to let go everything already, it's hard. Loneliness and pain have been my friends ever since I can remember. Let me tell you first about my weekend since I actually thought it was my break through already. So Last Thursday, let's start with...

Dear Habit, hate the fact that you always force me to break you. Too many times this year. I just wish we can have this sense of connection and consistency with each other, that I don't have to just drop you whenever you feel and whenever you want me to. I don't want to be led on anymore though. I just wish you and I can have signs when we have to distance away from each other, or when we have to break away. I wonder now what came about the sudden break again. I wonder how come when I was prepared to embrace you and accept you in my life, you suddenly left, and suddenly lost touch with me. The last time I had to break up with you, I knew it was solid. I didn't want to feel used and wasted and abused again. The time before that, I had to because that habit was so hard to break already and it was breaking me even if I was with you already. That time, I was so into you that I still can't be away from you til now. But this time, I am trying to do it gently, and tryi...

This is the first time I am talking about you anywhere in a very long time. I have been thinking about this post since this morning, but ended up writing 3 or 4 sentences in my journal and nothing about you. Think of this post as long overdue, and something maybe timely, or something that maybe can be just called a brain fart. How have you been ever since 1996? That was the last time I saw you up close, with a little kid too. I remember that little kid was probably between 1-3 years old of age back then, and found out he was another sibling I had. I'm sure my sister had never remembered that incident, because she barely remembers you too. The last time I actually saw you, was 2007. I was with Tita Sylvia, she was visiting Manila, and we met her  because she and I have a special bonding since we used to write letters and send cards to each other back then. She was the only relative on your side of the family I really had connection with. We we're on our way out, when we saw ...