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Stupid in Love - 소유(SoYou) X 매드클라운(Mad Clown)


니 입술이 나를
욕해도 난 아니 아니야
니 마음이 나를
접어도 난 아니 아니야
내 눈물의 의미를
왜 몰라 끝내
자는 게 아니야
안아 달란 말이야

평소완 다른 말투, 심장이
시큰해 난 니가 낯설었고 비가
내릴 듯 하늘은 시커메 반복된
실망과 다툼 속 서로는 지쳤고,
넌 아마도 오늘 여기서 내게 꼭
이별을 말할 것 같아 순간 가슴에
불지른 듯 나도 모르게 소리쳤지
밀치고 부딪히고 널 보며 진저리
쳤지 너 왜 그렇게 슬픈 눈을
하고서 날 쳐다보고만 있어 항상
그랬지. 난 모질고 넌 지겹게
착해 빠졌어

니 입술이 나를
욕해도 난 아니 아니야
니 마음이 나를
접어도 난 아니 아니야
내 눈물의 의미를
왜 몰라 끝내
자는 게 아니야
안아 달란 말이야

혼자 아닌 둘이라 넌 더 외롭다 했어
슬픈 표정으로 넌 물었지 내 말
이해 할 수 있어? 난 귀찮고 바쁘단
핑계로 널 짐처럼 취급했지
믿음은 플라스틱처럼 부러져
니 의심 지긋지긋했지 그리고 너희 집 앞
바래다준 마지막에 어김없이 폭탄
터졌지 참 더럽게도 징하게
서로를 밀쳤고 욕을 뱉고 우린
미쳤고 now we can’t go back 누군가
그랬지 계절은 이별을 데리고 오네

계속 그렇게 거친 말을 해 다신
안볼 듯 상처를 내봐 어차피
끝낼 맘이면 좀 더 제대로
나쁜 척해봐 너 짜증나게
굴지마 누굴 만나든 잘 살테니까 뒤
늦게 다시 날 찾을 때 난 절대로
거기 없으니까

그냥 꺼지라 했지 울먹이는 니
모습 지겨워서 바보같이 아파하는
그 꼴 봐주기 힘겨워서 미안해
할 것 없어 주저하지 말고 말해
어서 이별의 순간 난 여전히 못났고
넌 끝까지 착해빠졌어

헤어지잔 말이 아니야 난 아니 아니야
싫어졌다는 말이 아니야
난 아니 아니야
내 눈물의 의미를 왜 몰라
잡아달란 말이야 안아달란 말이야

가지마 내 눈에 써놨잖아
내 눈물이 말하잖아

멀어져가는 우리 바라보기만
할 뿐 잡지 않아
길었던 연애의 끝 서로의
마음은 닿지 않아/

제발 예전의 너로 돌아와 가지마 가지마
이제 끝낼 시간
somebody got to say goodbye 미안해 난
널 더는 사랑 하지 않아 진심?
와 닿지 않아 만질 수 없고 볼 수 없어
아무것도 느낄 수 없어 괜찮아
날 욕해 넌 왜 끝까지 멍청
하게 그리 착해 빠졌어 서로의 맘
헤프게 떠들며 그저 시간만
끌었지 너는 언제나 최선을 다했고
난 언제나 너의 최악이었지 알아 너가 더
참고 더 울고 더 외로웠어 이별의
순간 난 여전히 못났고 끝내
널 잡지 못했어

평소완 다른 말투, 심장이
시큰해 난 니가 낯설었고 비가
내릴 듯 하늘은 시커메 반복된
실망과 다툼 속 서로는 지쳤고,
넌 아마도 오늘 여기서 내게 꼭
이별을 말할 것 같아



Been trying to find that perfect song that probably best describe my feeling at the moment. I think the lyrics fit so perfectly. 

 Also, I am fighting the urge to blog everything nowadays, in case someone that should not discover this might discover this blog. I want to try to keep it everything in as much as I can. I know it isn't healthy. I know I need to let it out. But unless the other party doesn't want to hear it, I can't. Really. 

 I do hope that time will come, that I wake up and I will never be bothered by what I feel towards the person. That I can be indifferent. 

 My trust issues once again, will have to be taken a notch higher. My walls, again, have to be put up higher and stronger. I don't want to let anyone else in anytime soon. It's too much for my sanity. I am also fighting the urge to hurt myself, as my family will be in for at least two months. I don't want to scare them when they see how broken and ripped their daughter/granddaughter is. 

 I will have to keep on talking to someone. Or else, I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I keep on blaming myself for everything. For all the bad fate that has happened, I never blamed anyone but myself. Up until now, that I think I didn't do anything bad intentionally that I know of, I still end up blaming myself. My real friends always remind me that I may have done wrong things in life, but I never ever deserved being treated like how I have been treated over the past years until now. They say that despite the bad attitude towards some people, I become too nice to the people I care about at times. And earlier today, my bestfriend was seriously upset even though she has fever. I feel how much she cared for me and she wanted me to snap out of my state. I actually never thought I will be in this state again. I am honestly scared of myself right now, because I don't know if I can control myself. I don't know if I can keep everything to a minimum without regretting anything that I did, do and may be doing. To be honest, I would like to go see her and cry my heart out. I wish that everything would just go away. The pain, the blame game. 

 I am torn. I care about the person too much. But at the same time. I know I do not deserve being treated this way. The song above describes my dilemma perfectly. The person doesn't even have a single bit of kindness/concern/heart for me and feel sorry for what the person did, yet here I am still praying that the person still has some kind of goodness in that person's heart, that the person be reminded of how good of a person that person is and come to its senses. 

 I now know what I want to pray for during my novena: resilience. restoration. wisdom. Right now, without this blog and my bestfriends, I do not know where I will be. If not for those few friends, I would have stopped living. 

 PS. THE SONG IS JUST AWESOME. Other than how it fits perfectly to my state, Mad Clown is an artist. So is Soyou. They deserve that all kill. 


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