One of the things I hate besides betrayal/lying is feeling being used by someone, for reasons very obvious. This is why whenever I get into any kind of relationship, I assess and ask what is it that I really want or the other person wants from the relationship. And I make it sure and clear. I am very bad at trusting people, but once I do trust, anything lesser than that is disappointing and betrayal, still. This time, it makes me feel worse. Not that I was just betrayed, but I was even used. And when I say used, yes, physically used. And fuck that shit. Seriously, I don't think I can ever forget that. Up until I type this, there is a bit of hope that it isn't the case, but time and time again, I see it is just that.
So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hanging out, having dinner and seeing each other twice that week, to a drinking session that changed the innocent hanging out to a very odd set up. I honestly, honestly thought it will just be a one time thing. But now that I think about it, from the beginning it was very sketchy. I met him almost a year ago, introduced as acquaintances, and months after, we had one bonding session over family mart (fuck that family mart, I seriously love this place and now he ruins a lot of good family mart memories). After that, we started texting every now and then, with me helping him out winning my friend, but then that started. The innocent hanging out. And then after, a drinking session that led into something more, and more than that a day after, and happened a couple of times during that week. Basically, a very odd set up for that two weeks. Mind you, despite the busy schedule, I managed to fucking find time for this shenanigan. Yes, I should go fuck myself, I know, thank you very much.
But here comes the odd part. After leading into something more, there was Christmas shopping involved. There was Christmas involved. And when I say Christmas, I meant visiting Christmas day, past 3am to smoke and talk for roughly 20 mins before work. There was him visiting me and having lunch together involved. And yes, fuck that, it was really very odd.
Time passed and communication lost, and it was okay, but then again, we both found ourselves texting and me hanging out with him again. And then the odd set up happens again, now with even fake commitment involved. Yes, fuck that, I don't know what I was thinking. And I realize how fucked up my life and my choices are the past month or so. We started hanging out more and seeing each other more but I did ask myself, and him what we really wanted out of this. And this is the odd part, I let things be. I knew I was never going to be with someone like him and I knew I was just playing around. For a lot of reasons. But yeah, he was something different. Because it was something I needed, or so I thought. I have always enjoyed the rush and thrill that life gives me, because as a bipolar, that side of the spectrum was something I've been with for years more than the other side of the spectrum. That side of the spectrum wants me to be high, all over the place, active in everything, dangerous or not. So I enjoyed the thrill of actually being with him, spending time, even though I knew there was something different, odd and wrong about everything. There were days when we talk about feelings, and yes, you guessed that right, but I never believed it fully, I always had doubts, because that is how I am, who I am.
But.. a pregnancy scare came. Or stress came in. I was delayed and even if it was just a day or two, and then after spotting, I was freakingly scared for my life. I was just diagnosed with a mixed state and I was being very very careless about almost everything and now this. Imagine how scared I am with the thought that I can't even put my shit together, and then I might have to take care of an innocent kid that I might ruin his life again, just cause I decided to fucking ruin mine. I was very stressed and was very worried when I told this guy about it, and he came all aggressive and shit saying I will never be, because he was sure he won't get me pregnant and was not even the slightest worried or comforting towards me. I was very upset and mad at him and he got really pissed at me. He even suggested I do drink a lot of softdrinks (which in turn implies that if I can get rid of it, I should). To be honest, even if I was pregnant, I would never allow anyone to touch my kid, even their father. For reasons also obvious. But that time, I needed to feel everything was gonna be fine. But he wasn't helping. Yeah sure, he wasn't the only one. But that, was a one time thing and second, I know the other would never ever dare get me pregnant. And that's when the real him came out.
After this, everything changed. Days after I had my time, I messaged him and apologized about being very upset and that he has to realize why. But he also came back saying I had to understand why he was upset with me. I was very surprised because he wasn't the one who's gonna carry that kid for months and live with it for the rest of his life. One of my friends and I also trolled him into thinking we did go out for valentine's when he initially wanted to go out on Valentines with me. I have always asked him if it was just sex, or whatnot. He got upset one time I sent him a text saying I feel like everything was just sex and no friendship and he was very worried and even called me a couple of times that day and texted that he is very surprised I even thought of it that way only. And I honestly believed him the most part that it was never just about sex but we are also at least friends. But he ran away after that scare. He barely talk to me when it was about the usual stuff we talked about. When it was flirting, he did reply. Apart from that, nothing. And then that made me reassess, and think about everything that happened, and realized I was just used. Even though I don't trust people, I also try to see the good in people, especially if the person was a friend of a friend's. But this time, he really fell short. And I am so upset because I never thought I would have a fail at judgement of character. I am mad at myself for that.
But I am more mad at him lying and using me. I have always been straightforward about all these things. This is the reason I survived heartbreak and the torture or romantic relationships. But you, you never really cared. You never had the balls to admit it was just sex. You never could admit it was to your advantage. I became your friend all these months and tried to help you win the "girl of your dreams". At the same time, I did tell you when it was never gonna happen because of reasons. I was there for you when you were "heartbrokened", when you needed a friend, but when things got tough, you went running out the door. I don't care if you liked me or whatever, you should have at least become honest and not use me for whatever. Like I said, you are like everyone else. And you do remind me of someone, and that someone, at some point used me, but I never felt this way, because we were always clear of intentions. But you, you talked your way into everything, you tried your way out of everything, and now I understand you and your reasons more, and even my friend's reasons. You cannot hold on to your word. You can never be the person you want to be because you cannot keep your word. I tried to be your friend despite the odd set up, and then one day, just one day, it changed, everything did. You are a lying asshole, you are a douchebag for even trying to talk me into whatever "feelings" you had. Nothing was real. If you did ever tell me it was just sex, nothing would ever be like this, and I would always be fine with it. But dude, you are a friend of a friend. I trusted you because you were her friend. And you knew that. But you used me to whatever advantage you can get. And yes, fuck you. Such an asshole. You were upset with that guy whom you think used your friend, but you are just like him, or even worse because you make people believe otherwise.
Screw you, seriously.
So a couple of months ago, I was surprisingly in a very odd set up with a guy I barely know (yes, again, I know). And the difference with this is that the guy is a good friend, or so I thought, of a really good friend. It started out as innocent, with us just hanging out, having dinner and seeing each other twice that week, to a drinking session that changed the innocent hanging out to a very odd set up. I honestly, honestly thought it will just be a one time thing. But now that I think about it, from the beginning it was very sketchy. I met him almost a year ago, introduced as acquaintances, and months after, we had one bonding session over family mart (fuck that family mart, I seriously love this place and now he ruins a lot of good family mart memories). After that, we started texting every now and then, with me helping him out winning my friend, but then that started. The innocent hanging out. And then after, a drinking session that led into something more, and more than that a day after, and happened a couple of times during that week. Basically, a very odd set up for that two weeks. Mind you, despite the busy schedule, I managed to fucking find time for this shenanigan. Yes, I should go fuck myself, I know, thank you very much.
But here comes the odd part. After leading into something more, there was Christmas shopping involved. There was Christmas involved. And when I say Christmas, I meant visiting Christmas day, past 3am to smoke and talk for roughly 20 mins before work. There was him visiting me and having lunch together involved. And yes, fuck that, it was really very odd.
Time passed and communication lost, and it was okay, but then again, we both found ourselves texting and me hanging out with him again. And then the odd set up happens again, now with even fake commitment involved. Yes, fuck that, I don't know what I was thinking. And I realize how fucked up my life and my choices are the past month or so. We started hanging out more and seeing each other more but I did ask myself, and him what we really wanted out of this. And this is the odd part, I let things be. I knew I was never going to be with someone like him and I knew I was just playing around. For a lot of reasons. But yeah, he was something different. Because it was something I needed, or so I thought. I have always enjoyed the rush and thrill that life gives me, because as a bipolar, that side of the spectrum was something I've been with for years more than the other side of the spectrum. That side of the spectrum wants me to be high, all over the place, active in everything, dangerous or not. So I enjoyed the thrill of actually being with him, spending time, even though I knew there was something different, odd and wrong about everything. There were days when we talk about feelings, and yes, you guessed that right, but I never believed it fully, I always had doubts, because that is how I am, who I am.
But.. a pregnancy scare came. Or stress came in. I was delayed and even if it was just a day or two, and then after spotting, I was freakingly scared for my life. I was just diagnosed with a mixed state and I was being very very careless about almost everything and now this. Imagine how scared I am with the thought that I can't even put my shit together, and then I might have to take care of an innocent kid that I might ruin his life again, just cause I decided to fucking ruin mine. I was very stressed and was very worried when I told this guy about it, and he came all aggressive and shit saying I will never be, because he was sure he won't get me pregnant and was not even the slightest worried or comforting towards me. I was very upset and mad at him and he got really pissed at me. He even suggested I do drink a lot of softdrinks (which in turn implies that if I can get rid of it, I should). To be honest, even if I was pregnant, I would never allow anyone to touch my kid, even their father. For reasons also obvious. But that time, I needed to feel everything was gonna be fine. But he wasn't helping. Yeah sure, he wasn't the only one. But that, was a one time thing and second, I know the other would never ever dare get me pregnant. And that's when the real him came out.
After this, everything changed. Days after I had my time, I messaged him and apologized about being very upset and that he has to realize why. But he also came back saying I had to understand why he was upset with me. I was very surprised because he wasn't the one who's gonna carry that kid for months and live with it for the rest of his life. One of my friends and I also trolled him into thinking we did go out for valentine's when he initially wanted to go out on Valentines with me. I have always asked him if it was just sex, or whatnot. He got upset one time I sent him a text saying I feel like everything was just sex and no friendship and he was very worried and even called me a couple of times that day and texted that he is very surprised I even thought of it that way only. And I honestly believed him the most part that it was never just about sex but we are also at least friends. But he ran away after that scare. He barely talk to me when it was about the usual stuff we talked about. When it was flirting, he did reply. Apart from that, nothing. And then that made me reassess, and think about everything that happened, and realized I was just used. Even though I don't trust people, I also try to see the good in people, especially if the person was a friend of a friend's. But this time, he really fell short. And I am so upset because I never thought I would have a fail at judgement of character. I am mad at myself for that.
But I am more mad at him lying and using me. I have always been straightforward about all these things. This is the reason I survived heartbreak and the torture or romantic relationships. But you, you never really cared. You never had the balls to admit it was just sex. You never could admit it was to your advantage. I became your friend all these months and tried to help you win the "girl of your dreams". At the same time, I did tell you when it was never gonna happen because of reasons. I was there for you when you were "heartbrokened", when you needed a friend, but when things got tough, you went running out the door. I don't care if you liked me or whatever, you should have at least become honest and not use me for whatever. Like I said, you are like everyone else. And you do remind me of someone, and that someone, at some point used me, but I never felt this way, because we were always clear of intentions. But you, you talked your way into everything, you tried your way out of everything, and now I understand you and your reasons more, and even my friend's reasons. You cannot hold on to your word. You can never be the person you want to be because you cannot keep your word. I tried to be your friend despite the odd set up, and then one day, just one day, it changed, everything did. You are a lying asshole, you are a douchebag for even trying to talk me into whatever "feelings" you had. Nothing was real. If you did ever tell me it was just sex, nothing would ever be like this, and I would always be fine with it. But dude, you are a friend of a friend. I trusted you because you were her friend. And you knew that. But you used me to whatever advantage you can get. And yes, fuck you. Such an asshole. You were upset with that guy whom you think used your friend, but you are just like him, or even worse because you make people believe otherwise.
Screw you, seriously.
Comments
Okay, I know. And I did. The thing is, he kept on doing all these things and saying all these stuff, when all I wanted was that and us to be okay, civil and friends. But eventually, it became just no friends kinda thing (and OMG this is like deja vu bahaha). Anyway, I agree with you definitely. And I guess one more lesson: Not to do this with friends. Not that I plan on doing it again, at least. Hahaha. :)