So they say.

No, not the Backstreet Boys song. And yes, it's the Justin Bieber song. I have a hard time thinking of titles for blogs since this is my to go to blog when I have thoughts, mostly bothering and depressing. So apologies for this. Random. I was watching The Voice when I heard this song in the Battles round. And Efff. Their rendition is just too good to ignore. Anyway, moving on. Words that I would really like to try doing and practice. I am trying. It is so hard to break away from a three and a half year habit. And I swear, each day passing is like a knife cutting my wrist. Sometimes, it could be a scratch. Sometime, it could be long enough to bleed a bit, or sometimes, too deep that I might lose myself in the process. Every day isn't the same. But every day, there is pain. Went to church again earlier. Apparently, it is becoming a habit that when I feel uneasy, I try going to church.. better if there will be someone with me in case I lose myself and cry or collapse.

-Popoy to Basha, One More Chance

I have been thinking a lot about what to do to make my life less complicated. Right now, my mind is in a state of gaze. God has been very good to me for the past 2 weeks and I feel very unsure and scared. Don't get me wrong. I am very thankful that despite my flaws and despite me turning away, He still decided to remain with me and remind me once in a while that He is still there. I just feel that I should let go already. That I should stop searching or waiting or talking. I do not know if I can, or if I should.  I am pretty sure I can. But it will take buckets of tears and a ton of strength and heart to do so. I am at that crossroad wherein my mind and my heart agree, but unsure if both can take it. I go crazy at times not hearing or talking.. I go crazy when I miss, or when there is a fight. But. Most of the time. I am uneasy because I am always conscious of how to act or what to do.  it is very unnatural of me. I know. I want things to be okay. Not in a we are together k

..that I do have random thoughts in my head.  I kind of like having this blog all to myself without no one judging me or saying mean or bad things about me. Though I know I have given the link to a few people, I would be very surprise if someone even checks this regularly.  This blog is also a reminder of all my hardships and struggles, my thoughts, my wishes, my dreams, and everything else in between. Since I have a lot of time to spare, and I don't plan on going home early as to not take a cab home, I decided to post something, even though it may be senseless.  I have been thinking about a lot of things right now. Not just about my recent heartaches, but about what I would like to do in a short term kind of plan. I am not sure if this is the right time.. but I remember one person saying that there isn't really a right time, it's just going for it and following your heart's desire. I guess I can say that that is where I plan to head, or heading right now. I

I haven't gone to church for a while already. Probably at least 6 months. And earlier today, I was sort of prepared to go as I know that my bestfriend's family will go. And of course I agreed to go with them.  It was a happy way to end/start my week. Going to church was one step to what I call my own way of therapy. I was there, with her family, and felt really happy and light. I had a sister and 2 brothers with me, and a dad and a mom who were there too. I have always been the adopted daughter whenever I am with them. I always love hanging out with them as I have never had a complete family as far and long as I could remember. It felt like a part of me was recharged, being with them, going to church with them, saying peace be with you and besos. Afterwards, we all ate dinner together at this Korean restaurant one of her brothers suggested. It was fun eating and laughing with them. All my worries were put on hold for that moment and I just had to enjoy and laugh with them. It