I made this blog/journal a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of just random life stories, and eventually became my sole sanctuary for no holds barred thoughts and feelings. I do know that there are a few people who actually know about this blog, but those people are the people whom I know would just read quietly and would just check on me every now and then and just that. Those people care from me from afar and that this is their way of keeping in touch with me. I like that. I like how this blog worked for me for so many years, and that up until now, this blog has been saving my life.
Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it.
I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble remembering things, so this is a good way of keeping my memory in check, and making sure there is something that can make me remember not just moments, but feelings as well.
Anyway, I do not know where to start. I've actually talked to my closest friends about my recent shenanigans already, so most of them know everything. But I only mentioned how I actually feel to one so far about one thing, and to another the other thing. These recent events made me have panic/anxiety attacks. I have sincerely been trying to write down everything that has happened over the past month, but I have been having trouble to, probably because it would also have proof of my mistakes, and also secrets I would want very few people to know. But anyway, here it goes.
The past month has been all about relationships. Mind you, this doesn't just involve the romantic one. I wish it's just that. But this involves everything. Work, friends, family, God, romantic. I still have a non existent lovelife, thank God. But, I am trying to consider if I can actually be able to take on a serious relationship with someone. I am not sure if this would work, but I will have to work on it this year if I want to have one. But this year, I would like to see if I can have one. My year ended with spending it with family, my mom knowing a couple of my secrets, and her not pressuring me into talking about things, which is I guess a good sign. We haven't talked much, but I have been spending a little more time at home than I usually do, maybe because I am trying not to be as scared of her as I usually am. Also, because home is where I want to be at the moment. Ever since I started staying in during the holidays, I tend to just stay in my room the whole day, which is what I actually do when I am home. I feel it's the extremes for me as always.. either I stay in until I get sick of it, or I stay out until I get so sick of it as well. But I hope that it gets better. I mean not giving it high hopes, but at least a little bit better from what I am used to having/experiencing.
I spent a day with my bestfriend Marian last year. I have been looking forward to it for months and I am really glad that I got that chance to see her. I knew I really needed to spend the day with her to keep my self at place, to keep my self in check, and to make sure that I am still in a place where things aren't hazy. We really did talk about a lot of things, and also made sure to cry and let everything out. It has been a really tough 2014 for me in terms of a lot of things in my life, but I am thankful that therapy has been a part of the grueling year. She also got the chance to meet that friend I wanted her to meet, and of course I was right that she'll like him. I knew that they would also click. I did really appreciate that he came to see us even though he drank a bit, so he says and didn't actually want to come.. He wanted to keep his promise to me though like he said, and he did. And for that, I am really really grateful. I gave both of them gifts, which I hope they really liked and they put it to good use. I like having Marian around as she gives me a whole different perspective on things, similar to mine. I think, me, Marian and my friend are actually similar in terms of how we think, and I rarely find people like that so yeah. Of course the thoughts does not include my life decisions, of course. But you know, in terms of actually how we see things. Anyway, it was a Saturday well spent. I wouldn't have done it any other way. Good food, beer, and good company. Never fails.
Prior to the holidays, I have been spending time with a friend. Eventually things sorta turned when we became friends with benefits, or just benefits? That I am not sure of. But I have to keep this a secret to a friend because I don't know how that friend will react. I'm not sure what's up with this, but I agree with the very few people who know me well that the reason I get into all these sorts of things is because of the rush and the thrill and the excitement it gives me. I feel that boring is stagnant and consistency is overrated but I remember my CEFAM friend telling me that this is what we need in our life - contant, consistency, and something for real and for keeps. We tend to always find adrenaline in everything that we do, and being low key and down is something we are not used to, especially for someone who has been in mania for years before actually going to therapy. We haven't seen each other for weeks but I can say that we talked a lot over the holidays. Not so much now, but that's fine.
My mom has been all hot and cold with me. To be honest, as time passes by, I have this strong gut feel she is the reason why I have what I have. My disorder has something to do with the genes as well, and I think she is the one who is actually carrying that gene. Observing her over the past months she has been here, I think she's actually bipolar too. I will have to make her see my doctor and all that. Hopefully before she leaves. I know I do have a lot of faults to her and my sister, but I don't think it means she has the right to just boss me around all the time, ever since I don't know when. I want things to be at least bearable at home, but I am always scared and always worried at home, so I don't know. It takes two to tango, and I know it's not just her, it's me as well. Hopefully this year, things will improve, at the very least.
My year started with a bang.
I got to see my dad at the start of the year. This I think deserves a separate post. But for now, all I can say is that this day would probably be the most unforgettable day this year so far, and may top most of my unforgettable days in years.
Been spending days with my other bestfriend too since the week started. I really liked it since it's rare to spend times with them, my two bestfriends. I know it is really hard to do so, but I try my best to squeeze everything in. I like having both of them around, my bestfriends..
Been sleeping over for days here at Kara's, and it is something I like doing because I sleep better here than my own house ever since I had company at home. I also had the chance to spend time with the fiance last night which was really nice too, as I haven't been able to do so in years. she was talking about how my circle of trust is this small and I really have trouble opening up and showing myself to others. She feels I should go out and be more open, especially to my dad who's trying to patch things up, and to guys whom I want to actually date forreal and not just for play. We've been talking about life plans, relationships, ourselves and the people around us in general. I really like having her around though there are times I feel it becomes too much for me. I try to stay because it's hard to find someone I can trust like that. I have had her for years and I don't think I can afford to lose her. Though I know things are gonna be different once she gets married. I am thinking about solutions to these, but hopefully this year, things change since a lot are changing, even with the start of the year pa lang.
I also realized, that it'll be a year since Nanay died. I don't talk about this a lot, not sure why, but I know for a fact that the past year has not been easy for the family. Soon, I will be living alone again, and I am sure I will try to go as often as I can to see her, even though alone, so I can have that quality time with her I used to have when I was younger. My heart still ache and feel pain when I think about her, probably because I miss her even though she nags a lot. But I know she is in a happier place now. I know she is smiling and feeling better with no pain in the world and she's living in paradise. With that, I feel a little lighter and safer.
2014 has been a literally and figuratively a roller coaster ride. I don't know if I am still in the down phase at the moment, but I hope I am somewhere better even just a tad bit. A lot of things came and some gone, but I am really thankful to God for being able to keep me where I am. I know I have a really long road to take, but hopefully, soon, I can get there. Really keeping my fingers crossed.
Why am I talking about the life of this blog? I am not sure either. But I guess it's the new year feelings, and that a lot has happened since the last time I have written something here. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are actually no words to describe it.
I also keep this blog for memory purposes. I try not to name drop here as much as I can. I have been having trouble remembering things, so this is a good way of keeping my memory in check, and making sure there is something that can make me remember not just moments, but feelings as well.
Anyway, I do not know where to start. I've actually talked to my closest friends about my recent shenanigans already, so most of them know everything. But I only mentioned how I actually feel to one so far about one thing, and to another the other thing. These recent events made me have panic/anxiety attacks. I have sincerely been trying to write down everything that has happened over the past month, but I have been having trouble to, probably because it would also have proof of my mistakes, and also secrets I would want very few people to know. But anyway, here it goes.
The past month has been all about relationships. Mind you, this doesn't just involve the romantic one. I wish it's just that. But this involves everything. Work, friends, family, God, romantic. I still have a non existent lovelife, thank God. But, I am trying to consider if I can actually be able to take on a serious relationship with someone. I am not sure if this would work, but I will have to work on it this year if I want to have one. But this year, I would like to see if I can have one. My year ended with spending it with family, my mom knowing a couple of my secrets, and her not pressuring me into talking about things, which is I guess a good sign. We haven't talked much, but I have been spending a little more time at home than I usually do, maybe because I am trying not to be as scared of her as I usually am. Also, because home is where I want to be at the moment. Ever since I started staying in during the holidays, I tend to just stay in my room the whole day, which is what I actually do when I am home. I feel it's the extremes for me as always.. either I stay in until I get sick of it, or I stay out until I get so sick of it as well. But I hope that it gets better. I mean not giving it high hopes, but at least a little bit better from what I am used to having/experiencing.
I spent a day with my bestfriend Marian last year. I have been looking forward to it for months and I am really glad that I got that chance to see her. I knew I really needed to spend the day with her to keep my self at place, to keep my self in check, and to make sure that I am still in a place where things aren't hazy. We really did talk about a lot of things, and also made sure to cry and let everything out. It has been a really tough 2014 for me in terms of a lot of things in my life, but I am thankful that therapy has been a part of the grueling year. She also got the chance to meet that friend I wanted her to meet, and of course I was right that she'll like him. I knew that they would also click. I did really appreciate that he came to see us even though he drank a bit, so he says and didn't actually want to come.. He wanted to keep his promise to me though like he said, and he did. And for that, I am really really grateful. I gave both of them gifts, which I hope they really liked and they put it to good use. I like having Marian around as she gives me a whole different perspective on things, similar to mine. I think, me, Marian and my friend are actually similar in terms of how we think, and I rarely find people like that so yeah. Of course the thoughts does not include my life decisions, of course. But you know, in terms of actually how we see things. Anyway, it was a Saturday well spent. I wouldn't have done it any other way. Good food, beer, and good company. Never fails.
Prior to the holidays, I have been spending time with a friend. Eventually things sorta turned when we became friends with benefits, or just benefits? That I am not sure of. But I have to keep this a secret to a friend because I don't know how that friend will react. I'm not sure what's up with this, but I agree with the very few people who know me well that the reason I get into all these sorts of things is because of the rush and the thrill and the excitement it gives me. I feel that boring is stagnant and consistency is overrated but I remember my CEFAM friend telling me that this is what we need in our life - contant, consistency, and something for real and for keeps. We tend to always find adrenaline in everything that we do, and being low key and down is something we are not used to, especially for someone who has been in mania for years before actually going to therapy. We haven't seen each other for weeks but I can say that we talked a lot over the holidays. Not so much now, but that's fine.
My mom has been all hot and cold with me. To be honest, as time passes by, I have this strong gut feel she is the reason why I have what I have. My disorder has something to do with the genes as well, and I think she is the one who is actually carrying that gene. Observing her over the past months she has been here, I think she's actually bipolar too. I will have to make her see my doctor and all that. Hopefully before she leaves. I know I do have a lot of faults to her and my sister, but I don't think it means she has the right to just boss me around all the time, ever since I don't know when. I want things to be at least bearable at home, but I am always scared and always worried at home, so I don't know. It takes two to tango, and I know it's not just her, it's me as well. Hopefully this year, things will improve, at the very least.
My year started with a bang.
I got to see my dad at the start of the year. This I think deserves a separate post. But for now, all I can say is that this day would probably be the most unforgettable day this year so far, and may top most of my unforgettable days in years.
Been spending days with my other bestfriend too since the week started. I really liked it since it's rare to spend times with them, my two bestfriends. I know it is really hard to do so, but I try my best to squeeze everything in. I like having both of them around, my bestfriends..
Been sleeping over for days here at Kara's, and it is something I like doing because I sleep better here than my own house ever since I had company at home. I also had the chance to spend time with the fiance last night which was really nice too, as I haven't been able to do so in years. she was talking about how my circle of trust is this small and I really have trouble opening up and showing myself to others. She feels I should go out and be more open, especially to my dad who's trying to patch things up, and to guys whom I want to actually date forreal and not just for play. We've been talking about life plans, relationships, ourselves and the people around us in general. I really like having her around though there are times I feel it becomes too much for me. I try to stay because it's hard to find someone I can trust like that. I have had her for years and I don't think I can afford to lose her. Though I know things are gonna be different once she gets married. I am thinking about solutions to these, but hopefully this year, things change since a lot are changing, even with the start of the year pa lang.
I also realized, that it'll be a year since Nanay died. I don't talk about this a lot, not sure why, but I know for a fact that the past year has not been easy for the family. Soon, I will be living alone again, and I am sure I will try to go as often as I can to see her, even though alone, so I can have that quality time with her I used to have when I was younger. My heart still ache and feel pain when I think about her, probably because I miss her even though she nags a lot. But I know she is in a happier place now. I know she is smiling and feeling better with no pain in the world and she's living in paradise. With that, I feel a little lighter and safer.
2014 has been a literally and figuratively a roller coaster ride. I don't know if I am still in the down phase at the moment, but I hope I am somewhere better even just a tad bit. A lot of things came and some gone, but I am really thankful to God for being able to keep me where I am. I know I have a really long road to take, but hopefully, soon, I can get there. Really keeping my fingers crossed.
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