I am not sure if someone still reads this blog of mine, but it's kind of odd posting about this thing I wanted to write about, looking at my last post. (ha!) But, as odd as it sounds, I might as well shed a light to myself by writing what I wanted to write.
If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.
I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day, laugh about all these and tell myself that I still did well with my life despite everything I did.
Let us not go down the details, because this is still after all a blog post, but more or less people will get that idea. To be honest, I kind of expected things to happen, but hoped not to, though I am not sure if it was intentional or not, so he claims. He was actually a nice guy from what I saw, he's also kind of the crowd I used to hang out with, well, still do, like my closest college friends. He's not really different from douchebags I know as well. To be honest, I feel he's not the type to commit, and somehow I do agree with a friend that he is someone not to be trusted at all. I do like him though, probably because I felt comfortable with him and finally met someone that I barely know and could talk to about anything under the sun. The sad part is, he is very temporary. I will have to find someone better than him if I want companionship and whatnot.
I am not a player, though I know a thing or two about it. I have to admit. I am not even the best example of loyalty in relationships as I have cheated a couple of times. (yes, not just once) But right now, I am not in a stage where I want to go around and just fuck off every single type of relationship or man I am with, but more so, I want a slow steady one with a trick or two under both of our sleeves.
I am also the type to scare of anyone coming my way effectively and intentionally. I really don't like losing control, getting out of my comfort zone, out of context and let someone take lead. I am scared to take risks, and what I fear the most is getting hurt and losing. I lost myself to someone so unwillingly and painfully a few years ago, and I do not intend to do so again, especially with this type of guy. So right now, I think he has already decided to cut off everything, after 5 days of me trying to sabotage this lunch guy. (Yes, I call him lunch guy). Even with his nice aura, I don't think I am in his league. Also, I don't actually think I have to try shooing him away because I have been quite annoying to him, even told him I told my friends about what happened, and I think it's kinda irking for a guy to know a girl who kiss and tell (intentional or not, I think this is for the best). Well technically it isn't kiss and tell. It was panicking and freaking out and I wanted concrete explanation whatsoever that is why I decided to say something to my friends.
In all fairness to him, he was very gentlemanly (which I guess is his way to trick girls). He was very considerate and even asked me out to hang out again. But mind you, I get this idea I haven't been very satisfactory to him and I may still be seen as a challenge so he might not really be completely done with me yet. But I'd rather not hear from him than I do, just to believe that I won the game.
If he is my type? YES. If he is in the things that I prayed for: 3 OUT OF 4 YES, confirmed. 1 not confirmed. So it may possibly be a total yes.
BUT I do not want to play victim again. EVER. I would never ever want to be a victim of a guy who has no balls and feelings whatsoever to be PLAYED AND TOYED AND LIED TO AGAIN. I am sparing myself from that scenario.
On a heavier note, I found out today that I may lose my grandma anytime. Literally any day. I woke up hearing my grandpa and my mom crying, listened to them and can't help but bawl my heart out. My grandma has always been one of the best people in my life. She has always been a woman of strength and character, a woman that loves her family and dedicated her life for family. She may be feisty and strong willed and I may not see eye to eye with her, but I have always felt special because she loved me and my mom and my sister deeply.
I will probably make a separate post about this when the time comes, as currently I still cannot find right words to say. I still cry every time she crosses my mind. One of the reasons why I wanted to get in touch with lunch guy because I feel he can comfort me in a way no one else can, but I don't think I should. So yeah.
Anyway, I need to stop babbling because I have bazillions to do.
So, I knew I posted something about this guy last year, but decided to remove it after some thought. I realized I did have a few posts about him, or partly with something about him.. But now, I am putting it up out there, because I realized, wala naman na mawawala sa akin. I lost him a long time ago. And maybe, just maybe, I felt something more for him, more than I wanted to, and I wasn't able to control it.
Anyway, even though I know I am in a bad place at the moment, with so many fears and worries, I am still very very thankful that looking back, I have learned a thing or two from meeting him. He may have broken my heart, and he does not know this, but I know, that God has a reason that He brought him to me.
He was a friend, a shoulder to lean on, my I don't know if conscience or devil's advocate, but he came at a right time, when I needed someone to be there for me physically, when my Nanay was in the hospital. I remember him wanting to go to the wake, but we both realized it will be very weird, since we just met a couple of weeks ago, and going to a wake means meeting the family, and our situation wasn't the best relationship a family can actually accept. But every chance he got, he asked how I was, he calls and answers my calls, he tried. At some point, somewhere along the way, the direction of the wind changed and things became too serious and too strong that I wasn't ready for it, so I decided to walk away. Little did I realize, that, I wanted him for myself, but it was too late. But I knew, I still did the right decision, because I never wanted to lock anyone and keep anyone for myself when I am unsure, when I wasn't ready.
I tried moving on, and I think I'm successful with this, but every once in a while I think of him and my last memory of him. That day he went to fairview to hang out with me, tell me a story about his fight with his girlfriend, slept over at my place with nothing involved, took me to work, had brunch with me, and then went back. If you ask if I miss him, I still do. He's someone who knew me while I was at one of my lowest points, and yet he chose to get to know me at the very least. I knew I felt something for him, maybe it was love, or infatuation, I am not sure, but what I know is that I never wanted to lock him and keep him for myself and know he was unhappy and I could not give what he wants. Even if he hurt me, intentionally or not, I knew he had his reasons, and I had mine, and that, we did understand eventually.
I'm playing the playlist I made about him, or songs he sent me or something. Might fall asleep with this playlist.
I'll run away with your foot steps
I'll build a city that dreams for two
And if you lose yourself
I will find you
If I were to be asked the craziest thing I have done so far, it would probably be last Sunday. Mind you. Not just because it isn't my personality, but because I know that I would probably not do it again unless I am just as desperate as hell.
I went out last Sunday. Yep, last Sunday. With a guy I barely know. I even went to his place. I met him online dating app (oh yeah, di pa ako nadadala with all this online crap). I have probably told this story to friends, but now I blog this, because I would like to document this moment, and embarrass myself (lol the sarcasm). Kidding aside, I would like to write it down and look back one day and see what I did with my life, and maybe judge my crazy self, and hopefully, one day, laugh about all these and tell myself that I still did well with my life despite everything I did.
Let us not go down the details, because this is still after all a blog post, but more or less people will get that idea. To be honest, I kind of expected things to happen, but hoped not to, though I am not sure if it was intentional or not, so he claims. He was actually a nice guy from what I saw, he's also kind of the crowd I used to hang out with, well, still do, like my closest college friends. He's not really different from douchebags I know as well. To be honest, I feel he's not the type to commit, and somehow I do agree with a friend that he is someone not to be trusted at all. I do like him though, probably because I felt comfortable with him and finally met someone that I barely know and could talk to about anything under the sun. The sad part is, he is very temporary. I will have to find someone better than him if I want companionship and whatnot.
I am not a player, though I know a thing or two about it. I have to admit. I am not even the best example of loyalty in relationships as I have cheated a couple of times. (yes, not just once) But right now, I am not in a stage where I want to go around and just fuck off every single type of relationship or man I am with, but more so, I want a slow steady one with a trick or two under both of our sleeves.
I am also the type to scare of anyone coming my way effectively and intentionally. I really don't like losing control, getting out of my comfort zone, out of context and let someone take lead. I am scared to take risks, and what I fear the most is getting hurt and losing. I lost myself to someone so unwillingly and painfully a few years ago, and I do not intend to do so again, especially with this type of guy. So right now, I think he has already decided to cut off everything, after 5 days of me trying to sabotage this lunch guy. (Yes, I call him lunch guy). Even with his nice aura, I don't think I am in his league. Also, I don't actually think I have to try shooing him away because I have been quite annoying to him, even told him I told my friends about what happened, and I think it's kinda irking for a guy to know a girl who kiss and tell (intentional or not, I think this is for the best). Well technically it isn't kiss and tell. It was panicking and freaking out and I wanted concrete explanation whatsoever that is why I decided to say something to my friends.
In all fairness to him, he was very gentlemanly (which I guess is his way to trick girls). He was very considerate and even asked me out to hang out again. But mind you, I get this idea I haven't been very satisfactory to him and I may still be seen as a challenge so he might not really be completely done with me yet. But I'd rather not hear from him than I do, just to believe that I won the game.
If he is my type? YES. If he is in the things that I prayed for: 3 OUT OF 4 YES, confirmed. 1 not confirmed. So it may possibly be a total yes.
BUT I do not want to play victim again. EVER. I would never ever want to be a victim of a guy who has no balls and feelings whatsoever to be PLAYED AND TOYED AND LIED TO AGAIN. I am sparing myself from that scenario.
On a heavier note, I found out today that I may lose my grandma anytime. Literally any day. I woke up hearing my grandpa and my mom crying, listened to them and can't help but bawl my heart out. My grandma has always been one of the best people in my life. She has always been a woman of strength and character, a woman that loves her family and dedicated her life for family. She may be feisty and strong willed and I may not see eye to eye with her, but I have always felt special because she loved me and my mom and my sister deeply.
I will probably make a separate post about this when the time comes, as currently I still cannot find right words to say. I still cry every time she crosses my mind. One of the reasons why I wanted to get in touch with lunch guy because I feel he can comfort me in a way no one else can, but I don't think I should. So yeah.
Anyway, I need to stop babbling because I have bazillions to do.
So, I knew I posted something about this guy last year, but decided to remove it after some thought. I realized I did have a few posts about him, or partly with something about him.. But now, I am putting it up out there, because I realized, wala naman na mawawala sa akin. I lost him a long time ago. And maybe, just maybe, I felt something more for him, more than I wanted to, and I wasn't able to control it.
Anyway, even though I know I am in a bad place at the moment, with so many fears and worries, I am still very very thankful that looking back, I have learned a thing or two from meeting him. He may have broken my heart, and he does not know this, but I know, that God has a reason that He brought him to me.
He was a friend, a shoulder to lean on, my I don't know if conscience or devil's advocate, but he came at a right time, when I needed someone to be there for me physically, when my Nanay was in the hospital. I remember him wanting to go to the wake, but we both realized it will be very weird, since we just met a couple of weeks ago, and going to a wake means meeting the family, and our situation wasn't the best relationship a family can actually accept. But every chance he got, he asked how I was, he calls and answers my calls, he tried. At some point, somewhere along the way, the direction of the wind changed and things became too serious and too strong that I wasn't ready for it, so I decided to walk away. Little did I realize, that, I wanted him for myself, but it was too late. But I knew, I still did the right decision, because I never wanted to lock anyone and keep anyone for myself when I am unsure, when I wasn't ready.
I tried moving on, and I think I'm successful with this, but every once in a while I think of him and my last memory of him. That day he went to fairview to hang out with me, tell me a story about his fight with his girlfriend, slept over at my place with nothing involved, took me to work, had brunch with me, and then went back. If you ask if I miss him, I still do. He's someone who knew me while I was at one of my lowest points, and yet he chose to get to know me at the very least. I knew I felt something for him, maybe it was love, or infatuation, I am not sure, but what I know is that I never wanted to lock him and keep him for myself and know he was unhappy and I could not give what he wants. Even if he hurt me, intentionally or not, I knew he had his reasons, and I had mine, and that, we did understand eventually.
I'm playing the playlist I made about him, or songs he sent me or something. Might fall asleep with this playlist.
I'll run away with your foot steps
I'll build a city that dreams for two
And if you lose yourself
I will find you
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