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Indak - Up Dharma Down

Tatakbo at gagalaw
Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw
Kulang na lang, atakihin
Ang pag-hinga'y nabibitin

Ang dahilang alam mo na
Kahit ano pang sabihin nila
Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam
Ngunit ako ngayo'y naguguluhan

Makikinig ba ako
Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo?
O iindak na lamang
Sa tibok ng puso mo

At aasahan ko na lamang na
Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw
Habang nanonood siya... 

Paalis at pabalik
May baong yakap at suklian ng halik
Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi
Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam
Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko
Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto

Ngunit pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo

Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo
At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya
Habang nalulungkot ka
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya
Habang nalulungkot ka

Ako'y Litong-lito
Tulungan niyo ako
Di ko na alam
Kung sino pang aking pagbibigyan o

Ayoko na ng ganito
Ako ay litong-lito ohwooh


This song has been stuck in my head since I watched Sana Dati. I don't know why. But this song, and the movie, I could relate so much for so many reasons. About life, family, love. Little does everyone know, this blog is the only place I get to rant stuff. I get to post here whenever my feelings are about to burst, so apologies for this. I try to post other stuff here.

Anyway. So far. Unless I talk about it. I don't really cry or sob or whatever. Though at the moment, my mind is very pre occupied of a lot of things in my life at the moment. I wish I earn like at least 1000USD here in the Philippines so I don't have to worry of flying my ever dearest partner anytime. But sadly, I earn half than that. I don't know, but she doesn't realize how hard life is in the Philippines and how it isn't easy when you have a family whom you may not be close with, but still they are family, so yeah. 


She has been my constant companion. She has been the bestest person ever, if there is even such a word. And I am so damn proud of her. I may not be very open with my family. But as they can see, and everyone knows, that my schedule revolves around her. I moved to a different shift so I can be home with her, but unluckily, she moved her shift also, so I have no choice. She moves shifts every two months so, we have to bear with whatever life hands us with. 


I am not the best partner. Even my bestfriend can attest to that. But my bestfriend can also attest that I have said this, not just to her, but to a few people I am very close with. That I am not worried not to get married or have kids as long as I have HER in my life. And until this very moment I keep my promise. I may not believe in marriage or labels or commitment, but I believe that there is one person you can spend the rest of your life with. I actually believed that's her. With all the flowery words, with all the efforts she has put through, with all the love I have received, and with me having trust issues, I trusted her. Yet she broke my heart. 


I may not understand her reasons now, but I am sure, definitely, that she has her reasons. I am not ready to let her go, and I need at most a year for me to see her, I would like to think that that is what I need before letting her go. I would like to spend time with her. I would like to hug her and kiss her good night. I would like her to know that she means the world to me. I'd like her to know that life sucks hard with out her. She is my partner in crime, my best friend, by future, my present and most of all, she is God's gift to me. I am sure she will never come across this blog. She barely remembers it. Oh well.


Right now, as I type this blog, my heart is full of love and pain for her. But subconsciously, I do understand her. As cliche as it may sounds, I do understand all her pains, worries and hesitations. What I do not understand is where it was coming from. Because all these time, despite my fault for losing touch, is the fact that we have been talking. I even message her when I eat and all that. I lost that because nowadays, all I do is work. 


She says that she feels I did not do enough for our relationship. And maybe, in her definition, yes, but I have done everything I can, in my own way. The mere thought of trusting someone and falling in love with her is the biggest thing I have done ever since what happened to me. I let her in completely, and yet she feels that I was never in touch with her. I had to get a US number for us, I had to change phones, I get her all the things she likes and she may like, I tell her I love her at least once a day. We may not see each other often, but hell yeah, I think of her everyday. I message her everyday. I am sorry that it isn't enough, but I do hope she sees it in a different point of view as well. We may lack a lot of things, but one thing I can see, is how bad we wish we can be together everyday. 


As I end this part 1 of I don't know rant/thought/whatever, I think of this line a lot nowadays.. 


Makikinig ba ako

Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo?
O iindak na lamang
Sa tibok ng puso mo

I do hope you see that you are my better half. 

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