I can't hold it in anymore. I can't keep it together. I want to runaway. I want an escape. I want to get away from everything surrounding me. I need to breathe. I'm suffocated. I'm lost. I want to wander somewhere unknown, be with people I am familiar with. Familiarity is something I need right now, along with a getaway.
I had a quite long weekend, unexpectedly, and things started to change. Or I thought it would. I thought it would be for the better, but here I am typing like a cynic and is about to lose myself from the delusions of my life and the pains of every event that had happened. I really want to let go everything already, bit by bit and slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I feel that as much as I want to let go everything already, it's hard. Loneliness and pain have been my friends ever since I can remember.
Let me tell you first about my weekend since I actually thought it was my break through already.
So Last Thursday, let's start with that. I did go out and watch a movie with a friend. I just realized that friend is fucking overused in my posts. I think. Especially when it pertains to the opposite sex. Anyway. Back to whatever. I'm starting with Thursday since Thursday was the start of my weekend. I went to UP early, and of course stayed at my forever love, Chocolate Kiss, which by the way, is one my favorite places in UP for a lot of reasons. I did eat late lunch, and had iced tea and my favorite cake. Spent probably more or less 3 hours in the cafe. I did work a bit too, and I must say, that time was good. I was kinda annoyed that I wasn't with anyone, which I usually feel when I'm alone, but whenever I am with someone, I kinda feel I don't want to be with anyone. Very ironic right? Truth is, I wanted to ditch my friend that day. For some reason, I just feel we're getting really close and I am worried I might treat him more than a friend. Not that I have never thought about it, but I know that I am not in my right sane mind to think that way or feel that way. Plus there is no way he would actually think about it, knowing him.
Anyway. I did watch Barber's Tales which by the way really reminded me of Bwakaw but with much more depth into it. It was slow, as any other small town tale or story, but I really liked watching it, especially it's a coming of age movie about a woman in a time where killings are very eminent, and women aren't recognized the way they are now. It was also fun listening to my friend's side comments which by the way, he has lots of it. It was fun hanging out with someone while watching a movie, though I don't know if he enjoyed it as much as I did. If you ask me, I did enjoy both. The movie and the company. It's not everyday I ask people to go with me watching Independent movies, since I usually watch them alone so I can appreciate them more. Plus my friend said he doesn't really watch tagalog movies so I appreciate him tagging along. After the movie, my friend Cla went with us, since she didn't really want to go straight home, so told her to hang out, the three of us, we had street food in UP, which is something I haven't done in a while, and walked our way out to UP. My friend had to go home, so Cla and I decided to hang out a bit before going home. Had dinner and talked a bit about her and mostly about me. Also met my friend and hung out with her for a bit at her hotel in Ortigas. It was fun seeing her and her friends, just chilling at their hotel.
Friday was slow but nonetheless very hectic. Work was called of because of the typhoon/monsoon, and my dirty kitchen flooded like shit. Good thing it wasn't as bad as what happened weeks before my sister left 2 years ago so I managed to clean on my own. But that day, I was so close in breaking down, because I kinda felt helpless, but I realized I was never sheltered as much as my sister was so I just had to suck it up.
Saturday, oh Saturday. September 20. It was one day I never expected to happen, even Sunday. I was very happy that my day started that way. Decided to talk to my half brother and tell him everything I could say. About dad, about mom, about joan, about the rape, about how I have been. I know it was also an emotional talk for him, because not in a million years he ever thought I would say something like that to him. I was happy to know he kinda feels the same way about mommy. I never asked him before how his relationship with mom was, but it was funny to know and remember I was kinda doing what he did back then, but I think much worse. Thank God I am still the better kid between the two of us. I think the reason I feel very comfortable with Kuya Jas to tell him all these things, even breaking up with Val and talk to him about it is because I think he knows how it feels to be left out, growing up in a family which wasn't really yours, gwoing up with a step mom and half siblings. He also saw how mom treated me and probably waited for this time to actually say something to me. He comforted me and told me how sorry he was for everything, and especially for not being there. I know now he will try to catch up with me more, and talk to me more.. I just wish I can spend more time with him, us, with Ate and the kids. I think spending time with them can be therapeutical.
I am thankful to my friend that he promised me time alone, since I needed it badly last Saturday, and nowadays to be honest. I think he also needs his own time, us not talking and all that. Though I know it may not mean much to him as much as it does to me. Anyway, I did watch Norte, Hangganan ng Kasaysayan which by the way was so sick It was seriously twisted but effin good there is actually no concrete and exact words to describe it. Honestly, I wish he could have watched it. Alone, he'll probably get so bored with it, but if he watches well, I think he'll also see the genius in that movie. I actually want to see it again, this time, trying to dwell in almost all the scenes and understand it in another go and another perspective.
After that movie, I did rush and went to Greenhills to see one other movie I have been wanting to see for years! Finally. Saw Ang Nawawala. It's about twin brothers, one who died, and the other, which felt he should have been the one who died, and their journey together in discovering things about themselves and their family, and life in general. It was such a heartwarming movie and actually is a good way to end my 6 hour movie marathon, along with just a small paper bag of popcorn and healthy sandwich. It was a good run of movies.
After the movies, I decided to stop by my YFC UST college barkada's get together, Ruby's birthday celeb. It was nice seeing them again and just hanging out. Went to a KTV and sang (which by the way, was just effin nice because they're the only people I'm comfortable singing with/to). And after, decided to be more random and texted issa to meet up. This is where the odd/random/cray cray weekend begun.
Texted issa, asked her where she was and she was at home waiting for friends. Went straight to her place, invited myself in and overnight, and actually hung out and met new friends. It was also nice because after her other friend left, we were surprised that the other new friend ended up hanging out with us til probably 330AM that weekend. We had wine and muffins and a lot of talk and promised to hang out more often and have a Marikina food trip together. Because our other new friend lives in Marikina. I tell Issa I'm happy to have more Marikina friends who can show us around and she definitely agrees with me. That night, Issa also decided she wanted to go to Republic to wakeboard and I was happy to accompany her. We met up with our friend Rai, and spent time hanging out chilling. We also met a few people from Rai's crew who offered us beer. It was nice and was also weird but since we were kinda on a come what may weekend, it just worked. It was eve of Issa's birthday too, so after Nuvali, we ended up having late dinner at Mister Kabab. Issa and I had lots of time to catch up and talk over the weekend and made us have a lot of realization about life family friends lovelife and what we want to happen in the near future. So there.
I do think my weekend was euphoric, I also think that my weekend was different, a breakthrough, a defiancy from my norm, but I also think that my weekend was a getaway, was running away, was a period of depression and mania both at the same time. There were a lot of times in those four days I end up crying with unknown reasons, there were also moments I can laugh without feeling sad after, or without being fake.
I don't know why I wrote my weekend here. Maybe I did so I can remember the ups and downs of it, and also I can remember the days that really mattered in case I actually forget them, or memory suppressed again, as always.
I had a quite long weekend, unexpectedly, and things started to change. Or I thought it would. I thought it would be for the better, but here I am typing like a cynic and is about to lose myself from the delusions of my life and the pains of every event that had happened. I really want to let go everything already, bit by bit and slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I feel that as much as I want to let go everything already, it's hard. Loneliness and pain have been my friends ever since I can remember.
Let me tell you first about my weekend since I actually thought it was my break through already.
So Last Thursday, let's start with that. I did go out and watch a movie with a friend. I just realized that friend is fucking overused in my posts. I think. Especially when it pertains to the opposite sex. Anyway. Back to whatever. I'm starting with Thursday since Thursday was the start of my weekend. I went to UP early, and of course stayed at my forever love, Chocolate Kiss, which by the way, is one my favorite places in UP for a lot of reasons. I did eat late lunch, and had iced tea and my favorite cake. Spent probably more or less 3 hours in the cafe. I did work a bit too, and I must say, that time was good. I was kinda annoyed that I wasn't with anyone, which I usually feel when I'm alone, but whenever I am with someone, I kinda feel I don't want to be with anyone. Very ironic right? Truth is, I wanted to ditch my friend that day. For some reason, I just feel we're getting really close and I am worried I might treat him more than a friend. Not that I have never thought about it, but I know that I am not in my right sane mind to think that way or feel that way. Plus there is no way he would actually think about it, knowing him.
Anyway. I did watch Barber's Tales which by the way really reminded me of Bwakaw but with much more depth into it. It was slow, as any other small town tale or story, but I really liked watching it, especially it's a coming of age movie about a woman in a time where killings are very eminent, and women aren't recognized the way they are now. It was also fun listening to my friend's side comments which by the way, he has lots of it. It was fun hanging out with someone while watching a movie, though I don't know if he enjoyed it as much as I did. If you ask me, I did enjoy both. The movie and the company. It's not everyday I ask people to go with me watching Independent movies, since I usually watch them alone so I can appreciate them more. Plus my friend said he doesn't really watch tagalog movies so I appreciate him tagging along. After the movie, my friend Cla went with us, since she didn't really want to go straight home, so told her to hang out, the three of us, we had street food in UP, which is something I haven't done in a while, and walked our way out to UP. My friend had to go home, so Cla and I decided to hang out a bit before going home. Had dinner and talked a bit about her and mostly about me. Also met my friend and hung out with her for a bit at her hotel in Ortigas. It was fun seeing her and her friends, just chilling at their hotel.
Friday was slow but nonetheless very hectic. Work was called of because of the typhoon/monsoon, and my dirty kitchen flooded like shit. Good thing it wasn't as bad as what happened weeks before my sister left 2 years ago so I managed to clean on my own. But that day, I was so close in breaking down, because I kinda felt helpless, but I realized I was never sheltered as much as my sister was so I just had to suck it up.
Saturday, oh Saturday. September 20. It was one day I never expected to happen, even Sunday. I was very happy that my day started that way. Decided to talk to my half brother and tell him everything I could say. About dad, about mom, about joan, about the rape, about how I have been. I know it was also an emotional talk for him, because not in a million years he ever thought I would say something like that to him. I was happy to know he kinda feels the same way about mommy. I never asked him before how his relationship with mom was, but it was funny to know and remember I was kinda doing what he did back then, but I think much worse. Thank God I am still the better kid between the two of us. I think the reason I feel very comfortable with Kuya Jas to tell him all these things, even breaking up with Val and talk to him about it is because I think he knows how it feels to be left out, growing up in a family which wasn't really yours, gwoing up with a step mom and half siblings. He also saw how mom treated me and probably waited for this time to actually say something to me. He comforted me and told me how sorry he was for everything, and especially for not being there. I know now he will try to catch up with me more, and talk to me more.. I just wish I can spend more time with him, us, with Ate and the kids. I think spending time with them can be therapeutical.
I am thankful to my friend that he promised me time alone, since I needed it badly last Saturday, and nowadays to be honest. I think he also needs his own time, us not talking and all that. Though I know it may not mean much to him as much as it does to me. Anyway, I did watch Norte, Hangganan ng Kasaysayan which by the way was so sick It was seriously twisted but effin good there is actually no concrete and exact words to describe it. Honestly, I wish he could have watched it. Alone, he'll probably get so bored with it, but if he watches well, I think he'll also see the genius in that movie. I actually want to see it again, this time, trying to dwell in almost all the scenes and understand it in another go and another perspective.
After that movie, I did rush and went to Greenhills to see one other movie I have been wanting to see for years! Finally. Saw Ang Nawawala. It's about twin brothers, one who died, and the other, which felt he should have been the one who died, and their journey together in discovering things about themselves and their family, and life in general. It was such a heartwarming movie and actually is a good way to end my 6 hour movie marathon, along with just a small paper bag of popcorn and healthy sandwich. It was a good run of movies.
After the movies, I decided to stop by my YFC UST college barkada's get together, Ruby's birthday celeb. It was nice seeing them again and just hanging out. Went to a KTV and sang (which by the way, was just effin nice because they're the only people I'm comfortable singing with/to). And after, decided to be more random and texted issa to meet up. This is where the odd/random/cray cray weekend begun.
Texted issa, asked her where she was and she was at home waiting for friends. Went straight to her place, invited myself in and overnight, and actually hung out and met new friends. It was also nice because after her other friend left, we were surprised that the other new friend ended up hanging out with us til probably 330AM that weekend. We had wine and muffins and a lot of talk and promised to hang out more often and have a Marikina food trip together. Because our other new friend lives in Marikina. I tell Issa I'm happy to have more Marikina friends who can show us around and she definitely agrees with me. That night, Issa also decided she wanted to go to Republic to wakeboard and I was happy to accompany her. We met up with our friend Rai, and spent time hanging out chilling. We also met a few people from Rai's crew who offered us beer. It was nice and was also weird but since we were kinda on a come what may weekend, it just worked. It was eve of Issa's birthday too, so after Nuvali, we ended up having late dinner at Mister Kabab. Issa and I had lots of time to catch up and talk over the weekend and made us have a lot of realization about life family friends lovelife and what we want to happen in the near future. So there.
I do think my weekend was euphoric, I also think that my weekend was different, a breakthrough, a defiancy from my norm, but I also think that my weekend was a getaway, was running away, was a period of depression and mania both at the same time. There were a lot of times in those four days I end up crying with unknown reasons, there were also moments I can laugh without feeling sad after, or without being fake.
I don't know why I wrote my weekend here. Maybe I did so I can remember the ups and downs of it, and also I can remember the days that really mattered in case I actually forget them, or memory suppressed again, as always.
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