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Choices.

If there is one thing I learned over the past few months is that, I know that I may never be normal, but I would like something normal in my life. Walking away from a lot of things, pushing everything away that makes my life miserable and stressful, is not just defense mechanism but it is a way of life I choose to be in. Everything I made was a choice I knew I needed to make.

I know this is against what my therapists say, but I do know in my heart that it is something I would like to still keep after everything, meds and therapy end. It has protected me from so many things, especially the pains and the cruelness of the world. This world has given me at least two point of views I know I can never erase anymore, as the world has been very cruel to me. I keep everything inside my heart, and one day it would just burst and people would realize how life has treated me, how they have treated me, and how fragile I am that I just kept it all in, cry all by myself, and be sensitive and get hurt all by myself without anyone noticing.

Over the past couple of months, I have struggling with all the thoughts I have, my actions, my urges, which I even dream about in my sleeps, past experiences which became nightmares that haunt me when I sleep. I haven't really shared these to people, but it's been a very tough 2 month therapy, and counting. I try to only discuss ny superficial relationships, but I try to steer away from the pain and everything that actually hurt me. I'm not very good at handling pain, I handle it much worse than relationships, friendships so imagine how bad I am at it.

For the whole day yesterday, all I did was work from the moment I sat on my desk. Yeah, I did so many breaks like twitter, okc, and whatnot, but my whole day was so productive I am surprised. But, I still have so many things to do. I also have to find a way regarding that money issue of mine. Gah. Why do I have to be bipolar. I never thought it would be because of it. Sucks. Anyway. The work is diverting my attention from all the stress my past has been giving and haunting me. I know eventually I will have to face them.. but right now I am still too scared to face each and every thing that is happening in my life.

I really want to start talking about all my past relationships and about my mom. I just don't know where to start. I am sure my therapists are just waiting but they have given me a lot of things to think aboyt during our last session, one with my counselor, and one with the good doctor. I have been skipping meds every now and then, trying to see the effect, sometimes wanting to do what I want, drink, smoke and stuff like that. I still have my sex urges, and to be honest I am very tempted to give in to everythonh already. It gets tiring fighting, it gets tiring sometimes when I think what's the purpose of stopping myself. But I know it is the right thing to do. That's why I walked away from lunch guy, because he should be a part of my past that I should just bear in my head and a reminded of so much bad choices I have done. I know, he might have been someone for me, but I decided not to. Sometimes, you have to make the right choices. I should stop thinking about things and move on.

Right now, I am kind of sad about a lot of things, I guess it's mostly because I really feel I am alone, not just the usual figuratively, but literally too. I can't seem to wrap around my finger that I should do something with my life, that I should try doing something to make my life better. I am still scared of the consequences, but eventually, I know I will have to face it all. If you ask me when? I don't know yet..

posted from Bloggeroid

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