I have so many things running in my head ever since I went to see a shrink a few days ago. I feel I am so close to going crazy and about to lose myself. There are moments I feel like crying, like now. And maybe a little later on I will laugh my heart out. Earlier today, I was actually laughing with my boss because of something quite work related/non-work related. I need a breather. I need a place where I can talk and no one will judge, no one can bite my thoughts. Because currently, I really feel I need a caring hug. I need a sanctuary. I need a moment of silence and I need someone to just make me feel secured and safe.
I finally went to counselling a few weeks ago and it was okay. I didn't feel like this, going twisted and crazy, after the session, though I was referred to a shrink. Yes, you read that right. A psychiatrist in some layman's terms. I was very hesitant, but I feel I could not control myself anymore, so I am trying as much as possible to psych myself that I need this and I should go. Last Tuesday, the inevitable day came. Good thing I went to work last Saturday, so I got my Tuesday off.
To be honest, it was every single thing I expected it to be. For years, I have been struggling with going to a shrink because I never wanted to go back to all my past experiences, good and bad, and also, I actually forgot some or maybe a lot of those things as well. And now, I have to openly talk about it to a stranger, a professional listener of all this drama. Surprisingly, I was very comfortable to talk about things during the session. There were things I feel I shouldn't have said, there were some I think I should have. But I tried my best to tell everything I feel she needed to find out, so that she can assess what I have, if I am ill, or if all I need is someone to talk to.
I talked about that night when someone did something bad to me. Those days I was dragged outside the house held by the collar. Those days I was spanked with anything. Those days I got my heart broken. The nightmares. The thoughts. Everything that I remembered I felt the need to tell someone. I was crying after 15-20 minutes into the session, and sobbing up until we almost finished. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop talking, telling her everything that was in my head. She asked me about a lot of things. Eating, sleeping, drinking, smoking, drug habits. She asked me about my impulses and my spending habits. She asked me about my irritability and my energy. Then. She did tell me what I expected. Everything I have been doing were signs of bipolar disorder. I even have post traumatic stress disorder. I was crying while she was explaining everything to me, and for that time, I really felt so much pain, pain I have never felt in forever. Now I understand why I work so hard, why I binge eat and drink, then go on extensive diet plans, why I spend a lot, why I ask friends to eat with me, or I treat them with food, why I am always very irritable, why I think a lot, why I talk endlessly, why I have always energy even I have 2-4 hours of sleep, why I have desire to sleep around, why I have walls, why I have disengaged with relationships, in short, everything my life is right now is because of it. I did tell her that I managed to have one odd relationship, and she was quite surprised I have it, and explained it to her. But I told her as well I slept with a different person. And told her I felt nothing. Told her I liked the rush of doing it but when we talked about emotions, feelings, I felt blah. After all the talk and explaining, I sobbed so hard and she asked me why. I said I feel pain. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, and she says it was okay.
She prescribed me meds and I told her my current dilemma. She says she has the same issue with me, and that she'll meet me in two weeks. Luckily, I got another off, so I am able to meet her on a weekday. She gave instructions about slowing down, resting, relaxing, sleeping, less thinking, less caffeine, or even no caffeine at all. No drinking too! No smoking, nothing. She gave me mood stabilizer and a sleeping pill/anti anxiety pill, so that I can sleep. I need to take them 8PM everyday for 20 days. She says, I might not accept the meds right away, I would feel very different, but she asked me not to stop taking the meds as it might increase the symptoms. She also mentioned to continue therapy because I need to talk. She says I also have to continue talking to people about what happened to me, I am not sure which, but I guess the worst one. She says that I should not sleep around, because it dictates the instability of my brain and to maintain what I have, what ever it is. She also says that whatever triggered my decision to seek help is something worth noting. I guess I will have to discuss this with her when she gets back. She also says that if I have sex, I should stay safe and asked me about safety. Told her nothing, and she says it makes me very unstable so I should consider using something. She also tells me to open up and just relax.
I have been drinking the meds since Tuesday, April 29. And I feel very very weird. I have a lot of mood swings, I get dizzy, I have a gigantic headache every now and then, I feel fuzzy, I feel floating. I think it's because the body is reacting to strong meds, and now, it's hard to control everything. I have a lot of random thoughts, but couldn't pull through because I feel I should stop and relax and not think. 1st day after the meds was hard, because I was just in a daze, staring at my office computer and unsure where to pick up where I left off. I have a lot of thoughts, and questions. Control. Why I decided on things, why I want to get back together with someone and pick up where we left off. Why I still have those urges, sleeping around, control, working, everything. I want her to explain to me when this started, how long do I have to be scrutinized by myself and by her, and will I be able to go back to my old self. I have thoughts of messaging someone so I can sleep with him, or I have thoughts of just dating random people for the hang of it. I want to stop taking the meds because it gives me so much emotions and thoughts again, because I am resisting. To be honest that was my number one rule, no resisting. I have thoughts of how I should tell my mom of how serious my situation is, and that it needs to be addressed in a detailed and sensitive manner. I did tell my sister about my therapy, and about how the meds are taking toll on me, and she was just there listening. I sure wish she'll tell mom when she is there in Canada.
I have so many things I am scared to open up to. To be honest, I think one of the people I should open up to is my bestfriend. I guess she knows part of what I am about to say, but now, I am starting to slip away and that I can't say anything to her. Also, about that other person. I am not sure on how to talk to him. I sincerely pray he does not see this. But if he does. I guess that is the thing I have to face. Him reading this blog, and the posts is getting very close to the core of everything.
But I feel I have to write something already because my mind is going in circles and I am about to go crazy. I sincerely mean it. I am too shy to email my therapist now, since we only had one session, but I hope I still continue to talk during the rest of my sessions. I feel I am more subtle now, but I also feel I have moments that I change drastically, it is insane how I can keep up with myself. I have been shuffling spotify to find my perfect song for my mood, but it agrees with my brain. It's going nuts.
If you came across this post, I am sorry for the long post. But I just need to vent out at least once. I tried reading all the posts and I could not even recall why I post some of them, who of the people I met with were some of the ones I talk about in my blog. WTH. I will try to maximize the use of this. Not just for rants, but for everything there is to blog. And I will try my best to follow the doctor's recommendations and requests, up until she comes back.
I finally went to counselling a few weeks ago and it was okay. I didn't feel like this, going twisted and crazy, after the session, though I was referred to a shrink. Yes, you read that right. A psychiatrist in some layman's terms. I was very hesitant, but I feel I could not control myself anymore, so I am trying as much as possible to psych myself that I need this and I should go. Last Tuesday, the inevitable day came. Good thing I went to work last Saturday, so I got my Tuesday off.
To be honest, it was every single thing I expected it to be. For years, I have been struggling with going to a shrink because I never wanted to go back to all my past experiences, good and bad, and also, I actually forgot some or maybe a lot of those things as well. And now, I have to openly talk about it to a stranger, a professional listener of all this drama. Surprisingly, I was very comfortable to talk about things during the session. There were things I feel I shouldn't have said, there were some I think I should have. But I tried my best to tell everything I feel she needed to find out, so that she can assess what I have, if I am ill, or if all I need is someone to talk to.
I talked about that night when someone did something bad to me. Those days I was dragged outside the house held by the collar. Those days I was spanked with anything. Those days I got my heart broken. The nightmares. The thoughts. Everything that I remembered I felt the need to tell someone. I was crying after 15-20 minutes into the session, and sobbing up until we almost finished. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop talking, telling her everything that was in my head. She asked me about a lot of things. Eating, sleeping, drinking, smoking, drug habits. She asked me about my impulses and my spending habits. She asked me about my irritability and my energy. Then. She did tell me what I expected. Everything I have been doing were signs of bipolar disorder. I even have post traumatic stress disorder. I was crying while she was explaining everything to me, and for that time, I really felt so much pain, pain I have never felt in forever. Now I understand why I work so hard, why I binge eat and drink, then go on extensive diet plans, why I spend a lot, why I ask friends to eat with me, or I treat them with food, why I am always very irritable, why I think a lot, why I talk endlessly, why I have always energy even I have 2-4 hours of sleep, why I have desire to sleep around, why I have walls, why I have disengaged with relationships, in short, everything my life is right now is because of it. I did tell her that I managed to have one odd relationship, and she was quite surprised I have it, and explained it to her. But I told her as well I slept with a different person. And told her I felt nothing. Told her I liked the rush of doing it but when we talked about emotions, feelings, I felt blah. After all the talk and explaining, I sobbed so hard and she asked me why. I said I feel pain. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, and she says it was okay.
She prescribed me meds and I told her my current dilemma. She says she has the same issue with me, and that she'll meet me in two weeks. Luckily, I got another off, so I am able to meet her on a weekday. She gave instructions about slowing down, resting, relaxing, sleeping, less thinking, less caffeine, or even no caffeine at all. No drinking too! No smoking, nothing. She gave me mood stabilizer and a sleeping pill/anti anxiety pill, so that I can sleep. I need to take them 8PM everyday for 20 days. She says, I might not accept the meds right away, I would feel very different, but she asked me not to stop taking the meds as it might increase the symptoms. She also mentioned to continue therapy because I need to talk. She says I also have to continue talking to people about what happened to me, I am not sure which, but I guess the worst one. She says that I should not sleep around, because it dictates the instability of my brain and to maintain what I have, what ever it is. She also says that whatever triggered my decision to seek help is something worth noting. I guess I will have to discuss this with her when she gets back. She also says that if I have sex, I should stay safe and asked me about safety. Told her nothing, and she says it makes me very unstable so I should consider using something. She also tells me to open up and just relax.
I have been drinking the meds since Tuesday, April 29. And I feel very very weird. I have a lot of mood swings, I get dizzy, I have a gigantic headache every now and then, I feel fuzzy, I feel floating. I think it's because the body is reacting to strong meds, and now, it's hard to control everything. I have a lot of random thoughts, but couldn't pull through because I feel I should stop and relax and not think. 1st day after the meds was hard, because I was just in a daze, staring at my office computer and unsure where to pick up where I left off. I have a lot of thoughts, and questions. Control. Why I decided on things, why I want to get back together with someone and pick up where we left off. Why I still have those urges, sleeping around, control, working, everything. I want her to explain to me when this started, how long do I have to be scrutinized by myself and by her, and will I be able to go back to my old self. I have thoughts of messaging someone so I can sleep with him, or I have thoughts of just dating random people for the hang of it. I want to stop taking the meds because it gives me so much emotions and thoughts again, because I am resisting. To be honest that was my number one rule, no resisting. I have thoughts of how I should tell my mom of how serious my situation is, and that it needs to be addressed in a detailed and sensitive manner. I did tell my sister about my therapy, and about how the meds are taking toll on me, and she was just there listening. I sure wish she'll tell mom when she is there in Canada.
I have so many things I am scared to open up to. To be honest, I think one of the people I should open up to is my bestfriend. I guess she knows part of what I am about to say, but now, I am starting to slip away and that I can't say anything to her. Also, about that other person. I am not sure on how to talk to him. I sincerely pray he does not see this. But if he does. I guess that is the thing I have to face. Him reading this blog, and the posts is getting very close to the core of everything.
But I feel I have to write something already because my mind is going in circles and I am about to go crazy. I sincerely mean it. I am too shy to email my therapist now, since we only had one session, but I hope I still continue to talk during the rest of my sessions. I feel I am more subtle now, but I also feel I have moments that I change drastically, it is insane how I can keep up with myself. I have been shuffling spotify to find my perfect song for my mood, but it agrees with my brain. It's going nuts.
If you came across this post, I am sorry for the long post. But I just need to vent out at least once. I tried reading all the posts and I could not even recall why I post some of them, who of the people I met with were some of the ones I talk about in my blog. WTH. I will try to maximize the use of this. Not just for rants, but for everything there is to blog. And I will try my best to follow the doctor's recommendations and requests, up until she comes back.
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