Skip to main content

Effect of having a half day to rest.

Do I really want this? Is this the life I want to have? I am not sure why this going on right now. But all I know is that I am so used to it I don't know how to deal with it when it's gone. A habit that I can't break. But. Not all habits are good. I'm really not sure what is happening. All happened too fast. I couldn't even imagine life without the habit now.

I never expected things to be like this between us. All I knew back then that it was something. The friendship we had meant something. It was worth keeping. Until day by day, I was feeling something different. The only difference with that person and now was, both of us right now are so open to each other, I think that we talk about everything. Little things could make us laugh. Those moments are so precious I didn't want it to last. But there's a catch. And I guess there will always be one. That I am not that person. I wasn't the one that this person wished to be with. I didn't mind it at all. Until now, I think I still don't. But. I knew for a fact that things should have not turned out this way. I didn't want to meddle. It was too complicated. And I am complicated myself. If I want to be in this person’s world. I have to remind myself of the situation every single day. I don't want that. I don't want to be another one. I want to be the one person to this person. I know I won't ever be. I'm trying to detach myself little by little. But, it's just too hard. This person does things that make me draw closer. I can't resist. I can't push away. It seems so real, but I know it's not. I want to believe that this is for keeps. But I am scared. And honestly i do not know what to believe in either. I miss this person more every day. I can skip my upcoming trip if this person tells me to. I think that's the effect this person has on me. I am scared. Very. I am scared that one day, I wake up realizing I have fallen completely. If you ask where do my feelings stand right now? That person's very special. I like this person a lot. It's like I only have a cookie left and I could give it to that person even though I know it's my favorite. And that's scary. It might lead into something I do not have any control of, or it could lead into something I can't get my hands on anymore. I want to tell you point blank how I feel. But I didn't, I couldn't, I shouldn't. I am scared to open up once again. I am scared that I make a wrong decision, that I make a wrong move, or that I may have misinterpreted things that are happening. I want to tell you point blank when both of us are sure. I want you to think about things too. I knew you've said somehow your piece last night, and we're both accustomed to this habit both of us have. But I want both of us to be sure about this. I want to be sure myself, coz I do not know what to expect anymore. I do not know what to think.

I want this to be real. I want this. But, I don't know. I really don't know.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here we go.

So I am trying to just write it out here. Whether I cry or smile or whatnot. Just for today, I would like to just keep writing what I think and feel. This won't be the last, but I am hopeful that this will help. Today, I found out that I got an A rating for my performance last year. I felt really proud for myself and for a moment I forgot I was lonely. And then I was about to pick up my phone and call. I realized, I don't have anyone anymore to share those with. I lost my bestfriend. So yeah. Felt really sad again. But I can't do anything about it. I finished two reports this week, very breezy. Not that I did not encounter any problems or issues. One I had to return to the field group team for validations, the other is still for review. I also made a questionnaire and a research design, and to be honest I should feel relieved and should feel good about myself. But not having to turn to or talk to, your person, it really makes a difference. A lot of good things or okay...
1 comment
Read more

To whom it may concern

Hello,  I'm just writing down to put my thoughts and feelings into words, and like I say sometimes, when things come out, it becomes real. I guess, this time, this become real. I'm very very sad. It has been months since I have gone to therapy, and I have been in my saddest for quite some time. There are days I felt like giving up, days wherein day and night, all I think about is how I should die, or how to end my life, everything that is hard and hurting, and there are days I feel like I can do anything in this world, fearless and unstoppable.  Yesterday was once again a deal breaker. I felt stuffed and hurt, I felt I was not someone to be proud of, and I felt abandoned. Like I said, maybe it is for the best. I don't intend to win you over again, but I do intend to watch you from afar and just be there for you in case you need someone. I really want to be your friend, I really want to be in your life, whatever way or form. I feel like you're one of the few peopl...
Post a Comment
Read more

Time Flew By.

I realized that I have not written anything here in forever, and it has been three years since my last note.  I couldn't believe that time flew by fast and that I have drank a cumulative amount of a whole bottle of wine today starting from lunch. I used to dislike wine, but here I am. I have officially drank 4 bottles of wine since May 23, 2020, a bottle of which I think I consumed that same night. Right now, I only have one and a half bottles left of wine, which means I either conserve wine or get myself two more bottles. Go figure what my choice would be.  So how am I? I think I'm better than where I was three years ago, but in some aspects, probably far worse. I have experienced so much the last three years, an emotional and verbal abusive relationship with the last relationship I posted here, started a good relationship with wine also, slowed down in terms of drinking habits, moved jobs, hated my dad more, missed him sometimes as well, lost both grandparents in my dad's...
Post a Comment
Read more