How do you say goodbye?

To my bestfriend, my partner, my confidant, my love,

Today marks the last day of us being together. I have to say good bye to you because I believe this will be the best for the both of us. I am leaving without regrets, but just tears in my eyes and sadness. It breaks my heart that I am not just losing a loved one, but a best friend too.

The past year and three months, you made me feel less alone. You made me feel I always have someone to call my own, and I have someone who had my back, even if you weren’t so sure how to take care of me and be there for me in my difficult days. The past month has been the happiest and most content I felt since five months ago, but I cant stay because we both know I wish there was something more. I don’t know if it was just me or I was expecting too much, but I felt that the time I gave you was more than enough to rethink our current situation.

I have to admit, Im used to no labels. But I guess sometimes, age tends to tell you that certainty in life is something we need for us to stay on out feet, and for us to feel safe and secure. I want that. The security and the safe place. I want to come home to someone at the end of the night and I can say I am home. I used to think of you as my home. And I still am. But that uncertainty that you made me live with, made my home less and less safe. You still are that home I wish for, but I’m leaving home to be independent and learn to find home in a different place. I still pray that I still find home in you someday, but for now. I will learn to be independent. I will learn to travel to places again and be on my own.

Right now, more than anything I fear to be alone again. I fear to be left alone again and not have a person. But I guess I just have to suck it up and try. I’m sad I lost someone dear to me, but I am more sad I don’t have my bestfriend with me anymore. We used to do the most boring things and the craziest things together. To laugh with the silliest stuff and to just be together and eat spicy tuna salad when things are bad. We ate simple to a little bit expensive dinners from time to time, and you hugged me on bad days and vice versa. You tried to ride with my mood swings and hold my ears when you wanted to show your affection. And I saw everything. I saw what life we could have. And to be honest. I realized it wasn’t so bad. It was boring and simple. Yet it was quiet and calm and soothing like a massage or a hug.

I want to say thank you for everything. I want to say my utmost gratitude for being my friend for the past year or so. Thank you for trying to not let me down and for not leaving me alone. I am thankful you stood by me on trying times and even you always wanted to give up, you stayed with me in the most crucial moments of my life for a couple of times, even if you never knew about them. Thank you for trying to save me each time I get suicidal or I get distant. Thank you for being there for me everyday. For reminding me that I have you in the least way and that I will never lose you. I thank you for saving my life all the time. You never knew what those simple good morning texts has done for me, those calls at night when Im on my way home, and those making sure I got home safe. I will miss those because those were the moments you showed you care and loved me.

Im sorry that I wasn’t enough. That my love and me being there wasn’t enough for you to stay and try. Im sorry that I wasn’t perfect or that I wasn’t well most of the time when you were with me. Im sorry I have a condition which I could never get away with. And Im sorry that you had to stay longer than you should have.

I wish you well. Ireally wish I could still be around. But we must do this. We must part ways. You and I, we have to stick to our decisions and just move forward in our lives separately. I still wish for someday. Until then that I get over us, I will still wish for someday. But for now, I am sorry. I am sorry for everything and I always wish you well. 

I love you and I miss you. Always. You always have a part of me.