Everything just went downhill.
I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday.
I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt.
I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place.
All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me.
I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daughter, but she has treated me like crap all my life and yesterday, she made me feel that way again. While I type this, my hand is shaking. I binge eat yesterday, and I feel like vomiting since last night, and all I want is to just be mad at her for every single thing she did that made me where I am. I want to scream and cry and just tell the world how bad of a mother she was to me. She was the perfect mother to my sister, but not to me. Never to me.
I wasn't the perfect daughter either. I did a lot of things. Lied to her, stole from her, but not in the worst way, like how I used to get money from her as so I can go out because I was never allowed to go out, while she gives everything, the whole world to my sister, even if she didn't need it. Everything was handed to her on a silver platter. I had to earn everything, even her respect, her love and her concern. I remember that time I got hospitalized. My sister was on the bed, I was in the smaller kiddie bed when we were hospitalized together because my mom wanted her on the bed. I never asked for much. When I wanted a cellphone, she had to wait for my birthday to give it to me. My sister asked for a laptop because she needed it for thesis and she got it. I knew something was wrong when I begged her to let Lemar leave the house and she didn't. She picked a guy she barely knew over me, just to save face and show how generous and how kind she is. Look where I am now. Raped by that guy, and my mom not saying a word even though she knew it happened.
All my life, I had to beg for my mom's attention and love. She was so busy thinking about work and my sick sister when we were little, she forgot to be a mother to me. I learned to write with the help of the yaya. I became 9th in the batch because I studied hard. Since 5, I self studied to get good grades. I was never taught by my mother, and neither did my sister. But who took my mom's role to my sister: me. I was the one who taught her everything she knew at school. Her assignments and quizzes and some essays. I did everything for my mom. Because that's how much I cared for her. But all she did was throw me out of the bus and made me feel like crap about myself and had to do everything because to her, I owe her everything. Because when my dad left us, she did everything. But not really, because I did her job while we were in school. I was the daughter who taught her sister so she can excel as well. Everytime I asked for anything, she would say no, but she would to my sister. Every time I did something wrong, I was ridiculed, mocked, was spanked, put in the bathroom or the bedroom, locked. But until now, I know that if she still can, she will be. She was holding my arm yesterday and tried dragging me away so that people won't see the commotion. She even cared about everyone else around and not about the reason I threw "tantrums" like how she said it.
I don't know. These thoughts are just running in my head at the moment, and right now. I just want to be away from the world.
Why did I do tantrums? Because I snapped. Because for months, she has been just ridiculing all my life choices. Not that it doesn't deserve it. But as a mother, I hope she would be more understanding. It simply started because I suggested something she didn't like and she felt I always go against her. Sinabi niya na wala ako ginawa kundi kontrahin siya and wala ako pakisama. When this is what I have been doing all my life. Follow her as much as I can and stay with her for the past three years because I'm the only one she has here. She has never seen everything or anything that I have done for this family since my dad left us. All she has seen are the mistakes I did.
I never thought in my wildest dreams I would once again see and feel how I did yesterday.
I woke up now, decided to text someone and I don't know, I guess told her how shitty the day was, because after I told her to go away, she actually did the whole night. Little does she know that once again, I was testing her on how she would react. But also, I was deeply hurt, like how the good friend decided to think I was such a slut more than a year ago. That's how it felt.
I don't know what story I want to type or write out. The one about that girl, or the one that spoiled my day in the first place.
All I wanted after what happened yesterday was to see her. That despite everything, I know I have her. But somewhere along the way, she decided to be a dick like how my mom usually is to me.
I don't know what to say, or do. All day, I just want to be away from my mother. I just want her gone, out of my life. I know I may not be the best daughter, but she has treated me like crap all my life and yesterday, she made me feel that way again. While I type this, my hand is shaking. I binge eat yesterday, and I feel like vomiting since last night, and all I want is to just be mad at her for every single thing she did that made me where I am. I want to scream and cry and just tell the world how bad of a mother she was to me. She was the perfect mother to my sister, but not to me. Never to me.
I wasn't the perfect daughter either. I did a lot of things. Lied to her, stole from her, but not in the worst way, like how I used to get money from her as so I can go out because I was never allowed to go out, while she gives everything, the whole world to my sister, even if she didn't need it. Everything was handed to her on a silver platter. I had to earn everything, even her respect, her love and her concern. I remember that time I got hospitalized. My sister was on the bed, I was in the smaller kiddie bed when we were hospitalized together because my mom wanted her on the bed. I never asked for much. When I wanted a cellphone, she had to wait for my birthday to give it to me. My sister asked for a laptop because she needed it for thesis and she got it. I knew something was wrong when I begged her to let Lemar leave the house and she didn't. She picked a guy she barely knew over me, just to save face and show how generous and how kind she is. Look where I am now. Raped by that guy, and my mom not saying a word even though she knew it happened.
All my life, I had to beg for my mom's attention and love. She was so busy thinking about work and my sick sister when we were little, she forgot to be a mother to me. I learned to write with the help of the yaya. I became 9th in the batch because I studied hard. Since 5, I self studied to get good grades. I was never taught by my mother, and neither did my sister. But who took my mom's role to my sister: me. I was the one who taught her everything she knew at school. Her assignments and quizzes and some essays. I did everything for my mom. Because that's how much I cared for her. But all she did was throw me out of the bus and made me feel like crap about myself and had to do everything because to her, I owe her everything. Because when my dad left us, she did everything. But not really, because I did her job while we were in school. I was the daughter who taught her sister so she can excel as well. Everytime I asked for anything, she would say no, but she would to my sister. Every time I did something wrong, I was ridiculed, mocked, was spanked, put in the bathroom or the bedroom, locked. But until now, I know that if she still can, she will be. She was holding my arm yesterday and tried dragging me away so that people won't see the commotion. She even cared about everyone else around and not about the reason I threw "tantrums" like how she said it.
I don't know. These thoughts are just running in my head at the moment, and right now. I just want to be away from the world.
Why did I do tantrums? Because I snapped. Because for months, she has been just ridiculing all my life choices. Not that it doesn't deserve it. But as a mother, I hope she would be more understanding. It simply started because I suggested something she didn't like and she felt I always go against her. Sinabi niya na wala ako ginawa kundi kontrahin siya and wala ako pakisama. When this is what I have been doing all my life. Follow her as much as I can and stay with her for the past three years because I'm the only one she has here. She has never seen everything or anything that I have done for this family since my dad left us. All she has seen are the mistakes I did.
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