Skip to main content

Why can't I even say things.

I used to be talkative to everyone. I used to speak my mind to anyone, everyone. I never hesitate, I never chicken out. But at this moment, I am about to breakdown, I have been praying, and discerning all day. I spent the whole day telling myself and God every pain, sadness, and struggle I have been having, but all I can hear is the silence of God just wanting to hear me out. He didn't give me answers. But, he gave me the chance to hear myself out. This has been the saddest, since i don't know when. My heart and mind has been heavy. And if I was to be given a chance, all I want to do right now is to go somewhere quiet and alone. I don't really share much, but maybe this blog can help me pour my thoughts out of my head, and see things outside the picture.

A lot of people don't know, but Val and I have been struggling for sometime. Ever since she came back home in the US, we spent very minimal time talking about things. We usually just say hi and hello's, a bit of how are you's and then I go straight to bed. It's probably the effect of stress, and the busy quarter end last year. But after year end, things didn't change. We barely talk. I realized how depressed I was when she left. It will be at least a year before I can spend time with her again. I have been ignoring the fact that if I keep things up, I might just end up hurting myself, because I don't want to accept things. But other than this, things just became worse.. awful. I have noticed her less interest in talking, and just cuddling, sweet talk. We basically end up not talking about things and how we used to be amazed by anything. We stopped talking about how things were, are, how's things around us, and all that. We share less and less, until it came to a point, that I feel she leaves me out of her problems, her personal drama, until I felt left out, and once again alone. For the past 10 months, she has been a very constant person in my life, and not once has she let me felt this way, and I know she didn't want this to happen. But she did. For months, we've been trying our hardest to tell everyone things are fine. We've been shrugging things off, and just wishing things will get better day by day. But it doesn't. I'm at that point that I am scared again. That I miss her so much I can't just say it out loud. I am at the point that it hurts so much to be like this, feeling all sad and left alone, but can't do anything about it. I have even been thinking of just moving somewhere close to hers. I even thought of just shutting out everything in my life so as the pain would stop. But it won't. I miss how things were just simple and less complicated.

I am at the brink of giving up my 10 month relationship. I am this close of saying I'm done with everything. I love her too much to just give up. But I have been crying the past few weeks, and the pain has been unbearable. I can't be like this until I don't know how long. It will be busy season very soon. I want to be as productive and as an efficient employee as possible. I hope God gives me the right answers, the good choices too.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here we go.

So I am trying to just write it out here. Whether I cry or smile or whatnot. Just for today, I would like to just keep writing what I think and feel. This won't be the last, but I am hopeful that this will help. Today, I found out that I got an A rating for my performance last year. I felt really proud for myself and for a moment I forgot I was lonely. And then I was about to pick up my phone and call. I realized, I don't have anyone anymore to share those with. I lost my bestfriend. So yeah. Felt really sad again. But I can't do anything about it. I finished two reports this week, very breezy. Not that I did not encounter any problems or issues. One I had to return to the field group team for validations, the other is still for review. I also made a questionnaire and a research design, and to be honest I should feel relieved and should feel good about myself. But not having to turn to or talk to, your person, it really makes a difference. A lot of good things or okay...
1 comment
Read more

To whom it may concern

Hello,  I'm just writing down to put my thoughts and feelings into words, and like I say sometimes, when things come out, it becomes real. I guess, this time, this become real. I'm very very sad. It has been months since I have gone to therapy, and I have been in my saddest for quite some time. There are days I felt like giving up, days wherein day and night, all I think about is how I should die, or how to end my life, everything that is hard and hurting, and there are days I feel like I can do anything in this world, fearless and unstoppable.  Yesterday was once again a deal breaker. I felt stuffed and hurt, I felt I was not someone to be proud of, and I felt abandoned. Like I said, maybe it is for the best. I don't intend to win you over again, but I do intend to watch you from afar and just be there for you in case you need someone. I really want to be your friend, I really want to be in your life, whatever way or form. I feel like you're one of the few peopl...
Post a Comment
Read more

Time Flew By.

I realized that I have not written anything here in forever, and it has been three years since my last note.  I couldn't believe that time flew by fast and that I have drank a cumulative amount of a whole bottle of wine today starting from lunch. I used to dislike wine, but here I am. I have officially drank 4 bottles of wine since May 23, 2020, a bottle of which I think I consumed that same night. Right now, I only have one and a half bottles left of wine, which means I either conserve wine or get myself two more bottles. Go figure what my choice would be.  So how am I? I think I'm better than where I was three years ago, but in some aspects, probably far worse. I have experienced so much the last three years, an emotional and verbal abusive relationship with the last relationship I posted here, started a good relationship with wine also, slowed down in terms of drinking habits, moved jobs, hated my dad more, missed him sometimes as well, lost both grandparents in my dad's...
Post a Comment
Read more